Menewsha Avatar Community - View Single Post

03:04 AM

(LONG WALL OF TEXT AHEAD, I don't know if I'm allowed to make it this long. If I'm not, Ill remove the thread. But seriously, I appreciate anybody who can read through the whole thing. Just skim it if you want to help but don't want to read the entire thing.)

Let's see... okay, I've never actually posted in a forum like this (you know, the life issues kind of forum) as I'm the type who enjoys bottling things up and keeping to myself. But for the last few years, this has been eating me alive. I need to get it off my chest, and maybe get some advice.

Before I begin, know that this isn't a super serious life or death issue, like some of the ones in this forum. Nobody has died, and I'm NOT trying to make a mockery of this forum just because my issue is centered around a game I played years ago. So please, I'd just like advice on my next step to solving this problem of mine, not criticism or jokes.

This all starts with WoW, a game I used to play every day and every minute I could spare. I know, nerd-city, but hear me out. There's a point to why I'm starting with this. I was young (like 15-16) and my sister is 4 years older than me, and she played with me. We made some friends. Simple sounding enough, I know. But let me skip to the point.

Anyway, my sister dated a guy on the game for a little bit, let's call him "D" for now. He was like a big brother to me, and when I was upset, he would always comfort me. He also taught me everything on the game, from how to play to making the most of my character, I jokingly called him my "master" and "rogue sensei" as we were both rogues and loved the class dearly. We were extremely close. But he was dating my sister, and despite my young age I ended up developing a slight crush on him. I didn't tell my sister, and obviously I was too young for him, but I really did like him. I was getting pretty depressed seeing them together, so I ended up trying to break them up. HUGE mistake on my part, just one of many. Before I knew it, I was calling them hurtful names. I was crying to my sister like a whiny little child. I was terrible, just typing this is painful. I was sincerely upset, but underneath it, I wanted her to leave him or him to leave her. That was my motive. And it worked.

She called it off with him, saying "I don't want to make my little sister upset with us being together." So, it ended. She CLAIMS he was being clingy and annoying after I asked her about it, but I don't buy that at all. I came to him and realized how incredibly sad he was. And I tried to console him as he did with me many times. But it didn't work at all. Before I knew it, he was distant, and frankly quite upset with me. But he was mature enough to not handle it like a child.

Eventually, my sister and I quit the game. We completely disappeared, cut off all ties with everyone. I tried to forget D and my other companions on the game, but I couldn't. I never really had many friends, I was bullied alot in real life, so that's why my friends on WoW were so important to me. Now I actually have real friends, but yeah. My sister spent many nights trying to calm me, but she could never quite figure out why I was so upset. It was guilt. I felt terrible. I had, single handedly, ruined a happy relationship that had a future and I crushed it in the dirt.

I'm 19 years old now, it's been about 4 years since I was on WoW, and I STILL feel terrible. I was diagnosed with depression at age 16-17 and to this day I still talk to my psychologist about what I did. And I just wish I could have that "big brother" back in my life again. I wish he and my sister would get back together, just so I could talk to him again. I just want him in my life SOMEHOW. Heck, he probably has a different girlfriend now, but I just NEED to know he's happy and his life is treating him well. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

Call me whatever you want, but yes, I was a twisted little teen back in the day. I ruined so many good things, not just my sisters relationship.

I need to know how to sooth my guilt and just... well... be happy again. I logged into my old messenger a year ago or so and tried to figure out how I could contact him again, but he hasn't been on the account in like forever. And I can't send him an offline message in case he logs back in.

So I googled the username, and he popped up on this one wierd site and facebook. I'm wayyy too nervous to message him on facebook, and I tried messaging him on the wierd site (which I wont name because it's kind of silly) and it says he hasn't logged on in 46 days. Which is better than his messenger account, but I just pray he gets my one message and replies. Even if he curses me out or yells at me and makes me feel terrible, I told him the truth in the message and I sincerely apologized and explained the situation. Sadly, though, my "sent messages" box is empty and when I asked why it wasn't showing up there my friends told me it means something got an error and it didn't send. Great. Just great. It was a LONG message, and I hope he gets it even though the system is pointing at the fact that he didn't.

ANYWAY, I want to know what you guys think I should do. Suffer in silence, forget everything, continue to hunt him on the internet and try to find ANOTHER way to contact him, get up the courage to message him on facebook, retype the message and send it to him on that wierd site, get the courage to ask my sister to see if she remembers how to contact him, or do you think this powerful inability to let things go is apart of my depression? Or whatever you think is going on...

Thanks for reading this wall of text. I can't go more days like this, with all this guilt and unpleasant feelings swirling in my chest. I break down crying whenever someone even mentions something that reminds me of him or my friends.