WARNING: SOME CONTENT MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME

Since I was 11 I've had nightmares about being forcefully assaulted. (trying to follow the ToS)

It was of sexual nature. At first I was having the same nightmare with the same two guys in it every night. But this year it's changed to all different scenarios, mostly with the same guy, occasionally it was my boyfriend which really disgusted me because he is so kind and sweet, he would never be that way.

The nightmares are disgusting, nasty and grotesque. I wake up in the morning wanting to vomit. All day it stays with me, and I'm terrified of going back to sleep to meet whatever new nightmare I will perceive. I have never been really assaulted but I've had a terrible relationship with my father which could attribute to some unrecognized hatred for men or something, I do love my boyfriend though. I've always gotten along better with guys too (I am a girl if you can't tell.) So I don't feel like man-hating is the problem.

Sometimes during the day I will "see" the two guys, almost like an illusion. I will have flashbacks to my dreams.

This is all very strange and disheartening to me. I was never raped, my mother was when she was 6 though. In my original dreams I was a little 8 year old girl. The two men are always the same and I'm terrified of them. I'm also freaked out by old red pickup trucks because that is their mode of transportation and I'm abused in the back of it.

I just want it to go away, and I feel guilty for feeling so scared of this when other people are suffering "real" problems and real attacks. Mine are just a figment of my imagination...but I wish that it wasn't a reality for me at all.