Menewsha Avatar Community - View Single Post

02-22-2015, 12:03 AM

Saturday, February 21st, 2015

...*sigh*

I really didn't want to post something that was negative or anything today, but I didn't want to completely abandon this thread because I was too depressed to post anything. So here goes...

So I got the idea for my calculus investigation paper, but I don't know how to start it, and then I was supposed to go to a knitting class today (which would've been some kind of fresh air) to just do something else for a change. But nope, my mom (again) had to ruin things for me by telling the person I was going with that I would not be able to go because I had to 'study'.

I hate the fact that I have to live with my mom's expectations and decisions. This is the reason that I am at this stage now. Because I always have to try (and fail) at satisfying what she wants for me, and then I always fall short, my mom makes me feel like crap and then I don't feel like doing anything. This is the same thing for piano, taekwondo, soccer, tennis, drawing, everything. She always makes me feel like I do something wrong, and I hate it.

It's a poisonous environment for me, but where else am I supposed to do? It's not like I can move out of my house, rent out an apartment and get a job within walking distance. I live in a suburban area, having a car is a necessity that I don't have. I can't go to my dad's, either. He has a new wife and family now, I don't want to just crash and interfere with anything. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care about me, either.

So there's that. Both of my parents think I'm a failure, I get no support from my siblings, and my friends aren't even around anymore because we don't see each other as often as we used to.

I fear my mom way more than I love her. My love for her is fear. I'm never comfortable around her. She's the type of person that is very charismatic, overwhelmingly charismatic. It's like whenever she is in the same room as me, my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach and I have difficulty breathing. Its like she sucks out all the air and energy from me and my throat squeezes because I'm just so scared of what she is going to criticize me more.

I remember one time I had a sleepover with a bunch of friends, and one of my best friends was telling me how 'immature' her mom was, and I was thinking to myself, I would LOVE a mom like that! I also met her and she seems like the sweetest lady. But that's how my friends see my mom, so I could be wrong

But regardless, I wished that we had something that we had in common, but we don't. So I always have to struggle with her constant nagging and decision making skills.

Anyways, I'm going to stop here now. My eyesight became a little blurry...

With love,
Nausheen <3