Thanks, all.

@Cherry
I am currently safe. I don't have much of a support system, as I don't really keep in contact with the few friends that I do have, as I have the same issues with them. I feel like we're not close enough for me to share the intimate things in my life with them. I'm just naturally distrustful towards people, it's really hard for me to explain how I'm feeling as I always worry they're going to think of me differently and not want to continue being my friend or something. You know? I get the feeling like, "If you only knew who I really was, you wouldn't like me anymore". I hate losing friends, that's why I prefer not to say anything.

It's easier for me to talk anonymously online to strangers than it is for me to talk to my "friends". This online friend that I had for fours years, she was one of the only people who actually got that close to me. I forgot to mention this in my OP, but she knew that I had a history of self harm and suicide attempts. That's why I felt she'd understand how I felt if I told her how I was feeling after the death of my grandfather. However, in the past, when I felt suicidal, I never told her. She wouldn't know anything about it until I told her that I was going to be gone for a while because I'd be in the hospital. Even then, I only told her basics like, "I'm going to kill myself, so my parents are taking me to the hospital, I won't be around for a couple of weeks." I feel bad about it now, but all of those times that that has happened, she's stuck with me and was there for me when I was discharged.

I currently see a therapist, but again, I have the same problem with talking about how I really feel. I've seen this same therapist for going on three years now and I've been in therapy since I was 14. It says a lot when I finally opened up to my friend in the middle of the situation, I think. I'm not blaming her for deciding to end the friendship. I mostly blame myself, I should have been more open with her while I could have. I've got too much emotional baggage, I can understand it if she didn't want to carry that anymore.