it's sort of a massive bummer that i nuked all my poetry from orbit apparently lol. i really had a lot i wanted to write and say and then it turned into a huge mess after a very long abusive stint in college. i lost my hope to write about anything. i shat together a few extra pieces when i needed to pass a class but i never really found my love for poetry again. i was never good enough to post or write he told me. i was never sick enough to really need help when i felt trapped. i was never happy enough to know what emotion was.



looking back i see that all of this is pretty... basic. it made me feel though. it was what i was feeling at the time and it helped me process it all. i wish i could still find that girl scout poem. i miss that girl so much that sometimes i catch the smell of her soap on the wind even all these years later (she got married and lives in denmark and her partner is a vegan i think which is very cool and noble of him).


i miss feeling like i could write openly. i've been working on the same fanfic for almost 3 years now. every time i get a little more creativity, i throw it all into creating things before it dawns on me that i'm lost. i used to have a way with words and being able to twist a metaphor so hard that it exploded into tiny pieces for me to paper mache together. i used to know how i felt and could slam it into a keyboard until it resembled something whole.


i miss that.