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sychobunny
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#7
Old 03-28-2007, 11:20 PM

It was if her flesh was already dead, but somehow it was there running after Serena. She was nothing like the vampires in the movies; she sent a chill down Serena’s spine with her consuming stare.
Quote:
She was dizzy because of the lack of blood flowing in her veins.
It can be assumed why she’s dizzy. Unless she’s so trained that she thinks about her blood condition constantly, there’s no reason to mention why she is dizzy. This phrase mostly pulls you away from the character.
Quote:
She put her hand to her cheek; she felt of death but was somehow alive without a pulse.
I understand she is a vampire with heightened senses, and vampire stories need to mention blood, unless she has a medical background that is always on her mind, she probably wouldn’t notice a lack of pulse- at least not from her cheek.
This is kind of a drop off ending. We don’t know what happens to her, her husband, though we can guess what happened to cat girl. We also don’t know anything about the lab. You successfully changed her, but you didn’t resolve any of the conflicts besides life or death, and with vampire stories that is generally one of the lesser conflicts and one of the last to be solved.
Try to stay in tuned with your character. Maybe figure her out better, don't force yourself on your characters. Readers need to know what's going on, but they get captured by the characters and how they reveal what is going on. You have a good start here, but you need to develope the story further.