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fairywaif
Flitting free Girl
8022.58
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#3
Old 12-18-2008, 06:58 PM

It's a little choppy. You should also make speech it's own paragraph to ease reading. I also think you need to ease the transition to the boy running at the beginning of the story, perhaps by showing his thoughts. It's a very good beginning though. (I think you may have gone a bit fast though.)