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firefly0
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04-10-2015, 01:50 PM
 joke of the day... Friday!
Quote:
If your gut has ever told you thatzan online dating site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you werezmost likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behindzwhat theirzprofiles say.
“Occasional smoker”z– Ifzshe could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in herzmouth, light it on fire, and inhale untilzher lungs explode…zshe would. Andzshe would then proceed to spend the rest ofzher non-smokingztimezyammering onzabout howzshe needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!
“Occasional drinker”z- She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.
“I like to have fun”z– Means sheznever has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introducezher to all of your fun friends andztake her to all of your fun parties and events sozshe can finally have a life.
“I’m goal oriented”z-zShe will tell you every day aboutzher desperatezdesireszfor a better job, and complain thatzshezis above herzcurrent job, but will never actually get a better job becausezshe enjoys whining aboutzher current pathetic state of affairs too much.
“Looking for a committed relationship”z-zShe is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none.zShe would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!
“Body Size: Average”z– The rolls of fat hanging out the sides ofzher shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a newzpack of unbaked Pillsburyzbread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).
“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it wouldzbezlike fucking a giraffe.
“I am career minded”z-zEvery day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description ofzher monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closetszand drawers for something to hang yourself with.
“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve.zShe’ll thenzdrone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.
“He must be well off”z-zShe doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cashzher way so thatzshe can explore the deepest and darkest corners ofzher consumerism fantasies without restraint.
“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at theztip of your prick.
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