Originally Posted by Tommy Boy

Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
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Richard Hayden: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
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Richard Hayden: Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
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Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
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Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat!
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Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
[Imitates siren]
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
[Imitates retching]