What do you do when the love you once felt for someone turns into absolute rage? Not rage toward him necessarily, but rage toward yourself. This is a rage that is all-consuming, a rage unlike any other. It is a false rage. In reality, you want feel apathetic toward him, but full of rage at yourself for allowing—no—fooling yourself into thinking there was even the slightest possibility that your feelings would ever be returned.

See, you want to be mad at him for leading you to believe he was interested, because others have told you they saw it too. No matter how many times you replay the scenarios in your mind, you are unable to distinguish what actually happened and what didn’t. How can you be mad at someone who wasn’t even aware that what he did was hurting you so badly?

The only person to direct this unquenchable rage toward is yourself for letting your guard down; that is not you. You are supposed to be the strong, stable one… the one who doesn’t let people get under his skin. Somehow though, someway, this seemingly unassuming, not-particularly-attractive, faggot of a man snuck past all of your security measures and not only got under your skin—he stayed there.

What is there left to do when this happens? You can’t act differently toward him, seeing as he has no idea what has even happened. You have to keep a smile on your face when all you want to do is claw at your own skin to have something else to do but sit there and feel these things you are feeling. But you want him to be happy. You still care for him, so naturally you want him to be happy.

When people tell you how badly he is treating you, but you don’t seem to notice, what do you do? They say that he is using you. They say that he should be nicer to you. They say that it looks like he is using you as a practice boyfriend. They say that you should stand up for yourself. But you can’t seem to listen to them. What do you do when this happens?

What do you do? You stand by him. You are his friend. You tell him things will be okay. You tell him that this guy he likes has to like him as well. You even go so far as to proofread his love letters to this other guy. That is all you can do. If you were to do anything differently, you wouldn’t be you.

After time passes and this emotion eats away at you, there is only one logical way out. You have to talk to him about it. You have to say these things that you wouldn’t have in your wildest dreams imagined yourself saying. You can’t bring yourself to verbalize it though, despite the fact he told you that he gave even you a time limit to talk to him. You write him a letter. You write these things that even as you type them they cut you so deeply you want to scream out. Even though your heart is beating in your chest so hard you can hear it in your ears, and even though you realize it may backfire and the all-consuming emoness of these things you are writing will only make you look foolish.

Then, while writing, you try to think of all of the things about him that you should hate. All the things that should make you feel differently about him. But you can’t think of anything so bad that you wouldn’t want to see him again. You can’t think of anything so bad that it will change your feelings, despite the fact that they have so clearly pointed out why you shouldn’t.

So you stand by him and hope for his happiness, forgetting about your own. All the while hoping he stumbles so you can be there to catch him, and hating yourself for feeling this way because you know, once again, that he is under your skin.

So this time of year when I reflect on what I have done, I don't know how to answer the question that I ask myself "Have I been naughty or nice?" I honestly don't know. Is it naughty or nice to bare your heart to the one you love, even though you shouldn't love him? It seems naughty in that it is wrong to love him. Yet it seems nice that I have this weight lifted off of me.

So I really don't know how to answer this. I guess I have been both naughty and nice.

Sorry, Juru, couldn't make it happy ^^;

EDIT: I forgot to say what I wished for >>; Well, I would like the Midnight Dreams Gown, as I like playing dress-up on my mule, and always wanted it for her.