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Captain Howdy
L'Enfant Terrible
☆☆
Assistant Administrator
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03-16-2015, 11:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Queen_Andais
That he is! Howdy can definitely spin an outrageous yarn about anything! I heard once he had a story about a cotton ball. Or was it a cotton swab, either way, it was about the same animal
Captain Howdy: can you confirm or deny this allegation?
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Queen_Andais:
No, it was about an old drag queen named Cotton. She was, and is, in fact the world's oldest living drag queen. Miss Thing's been tucking since the days of the civil war.
I met her while I was working as a tap dancing waiter in Branson, Missouri. Y'see, I had bought some expired Activia yogurt at Jaime Lee Curtis' yard sale. I was wary of the stuff, but she promised it still worked fine. My digestive track hummed like a florescent light at night and was keeping me up. So I bought a case. Jamie Lee Curtis wouldn't lie to me.
I woke up the next day at a bus stop in Tallahassee. I was wearing a hazmat suit and oddly smelled of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. I had no wallet, no money and no way to get home. I tried to explain my situation to the people around me, but no one spoke English, only Floridian.
Finally, I was able to relay my predicament to a German backpacker, whom I communicated with by acting out old episodes of Small Wonder. He kindly bought me a bus ticket home, but not before systematically listing everything he thought was wrong with our country... which he conveyed to me by acting out old episodes of Small Wonder.
The bus ride promised to be a long one, and I was exhausted. I soon fell asleep and dreamt of taffy. Long ropes of taffy that I kept pulling and pulling. I was then rudely awoken by the bus driver. It seems in my slumber I had been fondling the chest of the old woman beside me. She wasn't too bothered, but the other passengers complained. And I was kicked off just outside Springfield, Missouri.
Using the sun as a compass, and employing an ancient Inuit navigational trick I had learned the year I thought I wan an Eskimo, I headed south... south to California. ... But California, I came to learn, isn't south. But Branson is. And the people there were friendly. In a boot-scootin', honky-tonk, line dancin' sort of way. Plus I was tired of walking.
So I got me a job at Merle Haggard's Family Feedbag as the aforementioned tap dancing waiter. This is where I met Cotton. She'd wait outside by the dumpster and i'd bring her all the fried cheese that was leftover from the night.
After my shift we'd sit on the hood of her Pontiac and talk about our dreams. My dream was to go home. "Oh guurl," she'd say, "then why don't you just take your ass home?"
"It's not that easy, Cotton." I'd reply. "I still haven't found the Ruby of Zalthrog. Without it, I stand no chance at defeating the evil wizard, Theros, and rescuing the beautiful princess, Fluffernutter."
This is when Cotton opened her clutch. "You mean this piece o' glass? I was gonna put that shit on my belly button ring?"
Just then the heavens cracked open, and the fierce dragon, Jaime Lee Curtis, fueled by the evil powers of Activia, came thundering down. "Foolish mortal, I had tried to divert you from your destiny. But now your tenacity will be your undoing!"
But Cotton leapt from the hood and stomped her six inch stiletto heel. "Bitch, you shall not pass!"
What ensued was a battle for the ages... or I assume. I got bored and wandered off. Bought a knish.
I sold the ruby and caught a hot air balloon back home.
The End.
P.S. I'll buy ten tickets, Elirona.
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