I cant feel a lot of things. A lot of human emotions escape me and my ability to experience them. This sucks. I dont understand people. I can read them and understand how and why theyre thinking things, but I cant feel it, I cant experience it and be part of that.

Except once. Just once, I felt something that made the world light up. I got an insight into people I could never have understood without it, but more than that, I was part of it, of that moment, that feeling, that experience.

But that time is gone, faded, jaded, destroyed and being forgotten. I'm even watching it being taken advantage of after that moment passed, and my caring and empathy and interest is no more than passing curiosity when the subject is brought up. Mostly to see whether the things I tried to impart were retained, which it largely appears they werent from what I'm seeing, and which amuses me slightly. Like that feeling of the single breath laugh to express minor mirth, but it doesnt even amount to enough to elicit that response. Insufficient humour from past to elicit laugh. Laugh denied. And life carries on.

So, that said, if I'm interested in some one; theyre interesting, cute, fun and funny, and maybe, just maybe, they might be able to make that feeling shit happen again... is it worth pursuing that infinitely small spark of possibility to feel those feelings, or is selfish, and hurtful to get into something that I know probably will fail and I'll hurt this person to some degree?

The reasons why it wont work are already apparent to me. But what if this is an exception case? What if something could happen? What if something does happen?

What if, what if, what if?

Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, when that means hurting some one else in the losing?

And yet despite everything, I continue with my philandering ways, even as things should possibly be drawing to a close.

Actions speak louder than words. Every fucking time, without fail. Do I subconsciously know this wont work and so continue in my current behaviour regardless?

At the very least, I feel I should add this confusing notch to the already lengthy notched belt. Poor form not to I suppose. And if something develops from there, then maybe we'll see where it leads?


tl;dr
Should I date her or not, knowing it probably wont work?