Well, I haven't written in awhile. Been pretty busy with school and stuff, but...I kind of need this today. I should start off by saying a fight is never worth a friend. In the end though....you can't control everything. I love to write, I love to write with other people. It is my unwinder, my relaxation and I really enjoy it. So when I run into an argument with others, it ends up hindering that love a bit. I'm not the best at explaining myself, getting my feelings out there. I guess most the time it comes across as rude, overly sensitive or just not the way I want it to. The point is, I hate conflict, especially with someone that I care about a lot. Right now, that's kind of happening here. And the people I usually would go to to speak about it all....are the ones who it is with. It makes me feel kind of isolated...kind of like closing the computer and walking away. Coming back after awhile? Maybe...maybe not.

I hate telling people no on something, especially when I know they worked super hard on it. Though at times I have to make the tough calls. It makes me feel like a bad guy, and in the end can stir up problematic feelings on both ends. I never want to make anyone feel upset or bad, like their not good enough. I really do cherish my friends and really if I could, make everyone happy. That's not always the case though. Truth be told, I hate having to make tough calls, but that's what you got to do at times. In life, I keep having to make a lot of them. Not just here, in real life as well. Most of the time, I end up compromising myself and my wants or needs for someone else. I feel like I keep getting walked all over or like people just either expect it of me...or for me to be the bad guy in the end. I feel like at times people make me seem like an idiot. Constantly second guessing me, or making me feel like they can do everything better than me.

How am I supposed to grow and learn...If I'm not able to make my own choices and make my own mistakes. I might actually know what I am doing...and it might actually be great. I just wish people would have a little more faith in me at times. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Trust me, I know there are people far worse off than me out there in the world. That's a whole nother topic though. The point I am trying to make here is...I really don't know. There are a few. Patience is not really a virtue with me, especially in conflict. I hate leaving things in a bad place, especially with friends. I hate sitting by knowing someone is angry or hurting, especially because of me. I try to fix it right away, even though I know I can't always do that. It ends up making me more flustered and often makes a bigger mess. The more I try to explain myself...the more it just seems to come out wrong.

Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and make it better, or have a do over. Wouldn't that be nice? I know a lot of people would love to have that ability. Truth is we can't. It's a one time deal with our lives. We do what we do, then we have to deal with what happens as a result. An action causes a reaction. We may not always like it, can't always fix or control it...all we can do is learn from it and try to grow...Getting back on topic, I wish I could tell the person I really want to out of all of these, that I never meant for this to happen. I really did want things to work out and for them to be great. I think this person really is incredible, smart and very talented. I have told them this but...things sometimes get lost in translation. Why can't there be a translator for our hearts? Psh, supposed to be our minds right? Though those don't always do the best job either...at times they just make it worse.

Feelings are complicated. Their a mess, a pain, but their also wonderful at times. They let us make connections...friends...love. Yes they make us sad and angry..make us feel hurt and weak... but they can make us stronger to. I'm not really focusing on one person in this...it's many things that I really just needed to get off my chest. I do feel better writing about them, though going into specific details would be crossing a line. Why? Because in the end...I don't want to bash anyone or anything. I honestly don't think either party is at fault (in most of these cases) and a lot of things just end up getting lost in communication of those feelings. Stress lately as well as my connections with some people have been making life not so easy, feeling not so easy. Truthfully though...I am glad I feel. I want to learn, get stronger, better. So..as bad as some of this might be...I want to believe it's part of something bigger and better in the end.

In the end, I do want to fix things still. I want to make them better and I want the people close to me to know I care about them a lot. I would never want to upset or hurt them on purpose. I really hope all this stuff works out and in the end makes us stronger.

Kiyoto