01-07-2018, 12:10 AM
Night 2
This is a continuation of Day 2. I shall split each day into night & day so that I may continue to write.
I do not feel safe here. I feel more vulnerable and scared. I just want to die so that my loved ones can be safe. I want them to die so that they can escape the man. I hurt myself today because they do not believe they are in danger. The man tells me I have to, but I don't know what to do. I can't talk to staff, can't give them more information. I won't take any food or meds or drinks they offer me except water. That's all I really need anyway.
I am hungry and my stomach is hurting, but I will not eat because I don't want to be hurt again. And besides, I just want to die. I'm sick of being scared now. I am sick of being spied on. I am thinking of hanging myself somehow. I will use the scrubs to do it, that way they will not take away my regular clothes. I may take the elastic out and use it to hang myself or I will stab myself in the neck with a sharp pencil. I have stabbed myself with pencils before and I can do it again.
I worry some of the other patients are spying on my as well. I just overheard one patient say, "just following the original plan!" I know what that plan is, a plan to watch me and keep me monitored so the man can hurt me again. It's obvious now, why can't everyone see this too? Why doesn't anyone believe me? They don't even take the time to listen to me, they just brush me off and tell me I am safe when I am clearly NOT! I no longer trust the doctors or the staff or the other patients. None of them!
I have to go. I have to leave now.
I don't know what time it is but I feel a little better. Maybe because I hurt myself, I don't know. I'm still afraid to sleep. I had a nightmare last night and I wet the bed. It was really embarrassing and I don't want that happening again. I'm sick of the nightmares and the bed wetting. I'm too old for it, you know?
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