2013.

Night 3

I am still awake, but this time I am alone in being awake. Mostly Kevin is awake as well and will allow me to borrow his ball point pen. Yay, right? The nurse patched up my bite wounds. She also put some weird goo gel on them. I am still so anxious. Also very upset that my pdoc [short for psychiatrist] continues to refuse to prescribe me something non-addicting and PRN for anxiety. Really pisses me off, actually. I mean, it just makes me feel as though he is trying to keep me anxious, keep me scared so that I will continue to hurt myself. It all makes so much sense now, you know?

Again, I am alone in the lounge. All have gone to bed except me. I am much too afraid to go to sleep again. I shall probably be awake until 2am like last night. I wish I could take something to sleep. I mean, something to keep me from having nightmares. And keep me from wetting the bed. Kevin is so sweet. Je gave me his notebook and pen so that I may write. Isn't that sweet? I super appreciate it very much. Everyone is really friendly here. It makes the stay a little easier, but I still want to go home. I am going to call John tomorrow so that I may check up on the others in chat.

I also wrote a letter to Nate Ruess during the day. I miss him and Beans soooooo much! I wish I could hold Beans and listen to his voice while I pet her.

I am still worried about the food, though. It screams POISON to me and I am most afraid to eat it. I think I shall only eat packaged foods and I shall only eat those while in my room. I do not wish to socialize or go to groups, I am purely here to have my meds sorted out and once they work I will leave and go home to my family, finish my costumes and return to chat. I hate thinking about them on PC because I worry that they have forgotten about me. John probably doesn't care where I am and they probably all forgot about me. I know they were worried about Sami, so they probably care more for her than they care about me.

Sigh, I am beginning to feel incredibly lonely once again. I miss Anna and I miss laughing w/ her. :( I miss my other friends in chat.

:'(

Bot, I am craving fries! I just want some fries but I know I can't eat them unless they are fresh.

It is quiet once more, everyone is asleep except for me. They say they do rounds every 15 minutes, but I think that is bullshit. I've been awake for longer than 15 minutes and I haven't seen anyone get up to go check on the rooms.

Oh so now he's doing rounds. It would be nice if they could just stop doing rounds. I mean, come on, you just glance in the room and leave. You don't look to see if we are safe, you just look to spy on us. I think even some of the patients are spies. I don't know who to trust, so I trust no one.

It just feels like the staff doesn't care about me, you know? I am wide awake (almost) and too afraid to sleep because I'm scared of nightmares. Scared of being watched and having someone come in and check on me, scared of wetting the bed, scared of memories.

I am getting repetitive. Saying the same things over and over in different ways...

[My writing gets a little difficult to read here, so I'm going to copy it as best as I can and make it as close to the actual copy as I can.]


I guess I don'treally know what it's I'm trying to say. There is so much on my mind right now, yet at the same time there is nothing on my mind. I truly just want for things to change. I'd give anything to feel less scared and I'd do anything if I could only feel safe, even for a little bit I don't feel safe here they tell me that I am safe but I don't feel safe in the slightest. My writing is probably beginning to get really really sloppy now. Ugh. I wish there were freedom for me right now it's just me locked up in the hospital. I really want to go home I am fine and everyone else is crazy! They are crazy for not [believing?] me and [believing again?] that this man is out to [hurt???] me and my family