RANDOM

Stop thinking about it. Stop remembering. Stop fantasizing. Stop imaging future conversations. Face the truth. You will never ever see him again.

Okay, so maybe you might. In fact, you probably will. That's besides the point.

I guess the idea is that I can't face him. I don't know why. I feel like I've changed. I feel like I'm not the same girl. But I don't fee like it's enough for him. It isn't the full one hundred eighty degree turn about that would amaze him.

I thought I decided I didn't need to amaze him. I don't. It's just. Gah. I don't know why I'm still thinking of this. I really shouldn't be. It really doesn't matter. I don't think I'll even really talk to him again.

And if I do... I don't know what I'd say. Nothing dazzling comes to mind. I can see myself saying things casually and they'll just come out dull. It won't be impressive and I'll just be seen as the same girl in that corner.

But I'm different. Really. I am.

It's just that you can't tell with one conversation. And that I won't ever be myself around you. I've told you too much. And you don't understand. You think I'm crawling to you for pity and sympathy. Maybe I was in the beginning, but that's not what I want. That's not what I need.

If there were some way possible for friendship, it would solve this. But of course, that is impossible. I can't ever be your friend. It's too embarrassing. I would like to put it behind us and laugh about it, but I can't help but be reminded of it every time I hear your name. It's silly how you're name can put me into such a state of emotional estrangement. Really. Every single time I think I forget about you, you come back to haunt me.

It feels like I am waiting to meet you at that grand staircase. Someday I'll be great and lovely in my social glory and then you'll creep up on me and I'll turn into that painfully shy girl hiding in the corner.

I would really like to explain myself to you--tell you that I was a stupid, little high schooler who really didn't know anything and was utterly foolish and that I now know better. But of course, that's probably self explanatory, and I'm not exactly eager to bridge the gap between us.

I find it funny that I actually did receive a christmas card with your signature on it. I looked at it and I wondered if you actually remembered or if you were just going through the motion of signing christmas cards for every single youth group member. I don't know.

I'm confused about a lot of things when it comes to you.