First thing I notice, AerieFlew: is that there needs to be more commas and periods. Make sure your reader can read it without confusion. Also, I think you have a little too much description. Make sure the description isn't distraction you from the story, but adding to it. Of course, it might only seem like too much because of the lack of punctuation. Finally, I'm not sure I get the metaphor of a . Are you trying to say she has a battle within herself? Or is the tension surrounding her like smoke? Combining the two doesn't really make sense.

For instance, after you should put a comma.