As the title would suggest, I'm interested in hearing your stories about international and interracial relationships and friendships.

As the world becomes more interconnected, cross-cultural friendships and international love becomes more and more commonplace. I'm betting that a lot of my fellow Menewshans are also in relationships with people who have different cultural backgrounds than their own.

Any unique challenges? Misunderstandings? Funny stories?

Share them please! <3

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A little about me:

I grew up in a very, very white community but my family has always been open-minded and welcoming (save for maybe my grandma). In high school and later college, I started making friends with people from all over the world. I became passionate about learning Japanese, so I moved to Japan after graduating. I've actually never dated another American. I've tried dating other foreigners in Japan, but I ended up in a serious relationship with a Japanese man. He doesn't speak a lot of English so we've had our share of miscommunication. But we work really well together and I'm hopeful for our future together.

So how about you?

Wellllll....I grew up in the deep south, Mississippi. So, I guess you all know where this is going....but please....don't flame me or anything, because it is WHERE and HOW I grew up in this type of environment and influential people. I am "okay" with other races, since I am 1/8 Middle Eastern, but when it comes to African Americans.....I just can't really understand them. Here in Mississippi, I see a lot of them abuse the welfare system and food stamps; don't get me wrong, a lot of white people abuse it too, but when African Americans don't get their way here, then all hell breaks lose....I don't think I'm racist and I hope I'm not, but honestly, I have not encountered a one, true genuine African American to call a "friend" or someone I could have good relations with... :/ It's just where I grew up, but that is a horrible excuse and it should be, "But you're your own person and you can choose differently!" That may be true, but when your family jumps down your throat about it and you don't want them to judge you or abandon you, then that is just how things turn out. Anyway....I don't really have anything against African American people, I just think they should've been raised in a better environment and not rely to heavily on welfare and the free rides they get since they are minority, but I HAVE no grudges against them or white people who choose to date them, yes it shocks me when I see a white woman and black man kiss or hold hands, but hey, I can't get in the way of their love and that is NOT my choice or right to destroy it! Just, the south is a very complicated and sore area when it comes to Interracial relations....I may sound like a douche from what I said above and I do apologize, but that is how I grew up and I'm trying to overcome it, it's still hard though to accept. For anyone in this situation, I wish you all the best of luck and that I do care and I'm sorry for my point of view, but I'm trying to overcome that obstacle....
Maybe I need to move away from here where no one is really judgemental. :/

wayxtoxdawn: Wow, your response really surprised me. Since I grew up in a place where interracial relationships don't seem strange at all, I had forgotten that they're still not very accepted some places in the US. I'm glad you realize that your negative feelings toward African Americans don't come from a place of logic, it's just how you were raised and how older people in your community behave. You say you don't have any black friends, but I suspect that if you were to get to know African American people better, it might change your feelings. We all feel uncomfortable around things that we don't understand. But the right response is to realize it's not their fault for making you feel uncomfortable.

If it helps, I can share a bit about how I overcame some ignorant beliefs that I was taught as a child. My parents, my mother especially, didn't understand homosexuality. My mother believed that gay people could not be good parents and she also believed that most gay people were swingers who didn't want to get married, so she didn't support gay marriage. My mom didn't hate gay people, but because she didn't have any friends or relatives who were openly gay, she didn't understand them. She based her opinions on feelings, rather than facts. And she taught those opinions to me as a child. And because I love her, I believed her and had no reason to doubt her.

I believed those things until high school, when I started making a lot of new friends. While only one of my friends was openly gay (at the time), everyone was very supportive of homosexuality. One of my best friends believed she was a boy in the wrong body. But despite their various sexual orientations, I realized they really were no different than me. I realized that gay people, and transgender people too, were also just ordinary, regular people with the same goals and aspirations as me, including marriage.

So I had to make a choice. I could either continue believing that all gay people engaged in crazy sex and didn't want loving relationships, like my mother taught me, or I could decide for myself that she was wrong. I decided she was wrong. And over time, my discomfort with homosexuality faded and now I see gay relationships as perfectly normal and something to support.

I realize it may be hard to go against your community and the beliefs and teachings of the people you love, but you can still love people and not agree with them. I hope you'll keep an open mind and an open heart the next time you have a chance to get to know an African American better. You might be surprised how much you have in common. If you really want to change, I know you can do it!

My dad's dad is really racist but I never realized how bad it was until I started dating a black woman. He kept saying things about her behind our backs so I basically told him that if he's not mature enough to handle me being with her then he should see his way out of my life. That was the last real conversation I had with him and I still do not speak to him much because of his ignorance and immaturity. I do not understand why some people have to be that way. To me people are just people, simple as that.

I was also married to someone who is Native American and his mom hated me for the longest time because I was white. She's make comments, even though I'm part Native but I'm really pale, more so than my husband is, and she didn't like him dating a "white girl". Luckily, after she got to know me she ended up liking me but things were rough for a while with her. She tells me she misses me now and that I should come visit her. She lives 2000 miles away now because I moved years ago when I divorced my husband.

I'm still friends with both exes and see/talk to them quite often. I see no reason why someone shouldn't be friends with someone else based on something that they have no control over whether it be gender, race, sexuality, etc. I just do not understand why some people feel the need to be so hateful for no reason.

@Mystic: I'm so glad both my parents and my boyfriend's parents have been welcoming and supportive from the start. I'm sorry you had relatives who were closedminded, but at least one of them eventually came around once she got to know you.

Most racism in Japan isn't overt or particularly malicious, it mostly stems from lack of experience and understanding since 99% of the population is the same race. Once people get to know me, they usually realize I'm just like everyone else and a lot of the stereotypes aren't true (in my case, at least). Getting over the stereotypes, for both sides, can take some time.

Well... at one point I was married to a 1/4 Japanese girl. Amazingly enough for someone who talked about Asian pride she had absolutely no honor or loyalty. Her family was fine with me though and I still talk to her brother a bit here and there.

Personally the only thing race changes for me is "How well can I interact with people of this culture?" because people of different cultures are raised differently. Of course there are exceptions to every rule but I've found... sadly enough... I don't do well with very many non-asian races. Asians as I have noticed tend to be much more reserved, and that's good for an introvert like me. However say a black or a white person I've noticed them to be more often outspoken and vocal about things.

As for myself... I'm white but I wanted to be a Japanese person since I was a child (Sad I know, but I've always been in love with their view of being honorable)

My current relationship, while not Interracial or International is still very far from the norm. My girlfriend is Autistic. I have not actually told my parents about her and I dating yet because, just like racism, people often don't like when you date a disabled person. Sure she's a bit odd but like the problem with interracial relationships, the inside of a person can surprise you, many people just don't try.

It's kind of sad really... I mean I have no problems with orientation or race or disability, but it's so sad how people will judge that. I think in Elementary school I disliked a black kid in school... but to be fair I just disliked him in general... along with about 95% of my school...

And just putting that out there if any of that offends anyone lemme know and I'll take it out.

I grew up in a little isolated town that was predominately white, but with a very strong native influence. I grew up "colour blind", as in I didn't even realize that there were different races. I didn't notice that Carrie so-and-so was Hispanic, or that Elvis what's-his-face was Chinese until quite a bit later than most kids. I was about 13 at the time hahaha

But right now I'm currently residing in Belgium, as an exchange student. I have a lot of "foreign" friends, but again, most European (on account of my residing in the center of Europe I'm sure). My best friend right now is a tall, blue-eyed blonde girl from Denmark. I've got a close guy friend who's Brazilian (and who has two dads, but that's another story). I know lot's of people from all over the world, and that's one of the best parts of my exchange. We discuss cultural differences all the time, all while trying to understand the somewhat unusual culture of the Belgians.

As for hilarious misunderstandings, I'm afraid I can't think of any off the top of my head. My Belgian friends get offended if I don't give them a "bisou" (cheek kiss) when I come over to say hello, even when I explain it's because I'm sick and I don't want to infect them! It took me a while to perfect the technique of the bisou though, and I have one friend who maintains that I do it wrong, and insists on fist-bumping me as a greeting.

There's also a problem with Belgian teenagers and their pronunciation of the word "beach". I once misheard a Belgian boy who was apparently excited to go to California because there are lot's of b*tches there;

I am of mixed Native American (Lakota, I just recently found out - ...my family was pretty assimilated until recently...the turning point was actually myself and my little cousin joining tumblr), Irish, and Japanese descent, and 100% American.

My primary partner is of mixed everything descent and grew up in a part of the world that is actually technically both the US and Mexico.

I'm sure that all of this was far more...exciting, for my parents and grandparents than it has been for me. All we've really thought at any point about all this is "Oh, awesome, let's share our cultures and make our own family and personal structure out of the best of all of it while respecting and understanding the origins of these aspects." Hardly anyone except a few hypocritical extreme cultural hipsters separatists on tumblr has even said a word and if they did I wouldn't care.

...I bet my parents and grandparents had a lot more trouble than that.

I'm pretty much fully African-American and I live in a VERY rural part of Southwest VA. I'm talking one high school for my entire county and rednecks everywhere (we even had a "Bring You Tractor to School" day at my old high school.. -__-). As far as interracial friendships and relationships go around here, they are actually kind of common and not that frowned upon my the mainstream community. That being said, many of the extremists on all fronts (hispanic, black, and white (we don't have many asians around)) always seem to gripe and complain about interracial relationships. It kind of surprises me that they would be okay with interracial friendships, but then turn their nose up to relationships..

Oh! I do have something that happened yesterday that was kind of funny.. One of my close-ish friends from high school revealed to me that his parents would kill him if he brought a black girl or boy home romantically. The funny thing is, he's not even gay. Additionally, I think it's crazy that parents in this day would be okay with their children being gay before allowing them to have a partner of a different race. Also, they claim to be god-fearing people. But this? Eh... Makes me think otherwise. Of course they should accept their children in any way possible, I just thought the whole race thing was handled a while ago..

I'm one of those girls in those Asian Female - White Male relationships you see all the time.
My mom is in denial, but my dad's been cool about it.

I think that if I ever raise a kid, I'm gonna try to instill all the good aspects of Chinese culture in the them, even though I am 99% white washed.

@ Foam: That's funny cause black people are usually more homophobic because a large portion of the population is very Christian.

@Risque~ It's pretty much the same religiously with the black and white community where I live.
But being more accepting of gays than interracial relationships just perplexes me...

Usually I'm decent at understanding people who speak English with an accent different from how I speak/understand it (I figure it's because my mom has one and so I've grown accustomed to different nuances and such of different people and how they pronounce things). My father's wife is Thai and sometimes I have trouble understanding her. One morning she was telling me how we were going to run a quick errand and then afterward go eat at what I thought she said, Taco Bell, for breakfast. I thought it was strange, eating Taco Bell in the morning, but heck, food, I didn't care. XD Later on I found out what she really said was Cracker Barrel. I had french toast.

@Poet: I feel like the West views Japanese people as much more honor bound than how they are in reality. What sort of "honor" are you referring to? I do agree that people tend to have a stronger sense of loyalty to whatever group they belong to compared to Americans who value individualism.

It's a shame that some people look down on relationships with people who are "different". But I think a lot of that comes from a lack of understanding. Has your girlfriend's Autism presented any unique challenges for you? How have you overcome them?

@DaniCalifornia: Interesting! I'm not sure when I noticed the difference between other ethnic/racial groups. My first good friend was black (I was 4 years old, I think) and I don't recall ever thinking she was different from me because of her skin. The first time I ever heard an ethnic slur was in middle school, and it really confused me.

Nice! It's great that you can experience so much international exchange. When I first moved to Japan, I was excited and amazed how many friends I made from all across the globe. I assumed I'd be learning about Japan, but particularly my first year I learned a lot about the UK, Australia, Ireland, South Africa, Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, etc.

@Stellar Delusion: I'm so grateful people have paved the way for more international/interracial relationships. Just a few generations ago, like you said, it probably was a lot harder. Now it's not so unusual. In fact, I think some places interracial marriages are more common than same-race marriages.

It's still not very normal in Japan, since the foreign population is quite small, but in the cities there are more and more "half" children, which makes me feel better about potentially raising "half" kids of my own. The more foreign/Japanese couples you see, the more normal it becomes, and the easier it is for the next generations.

@`F o a m: Huh, that really is interesting. Usually people are more accepting of interracial marriages compared to gay marriage. But as much as people complain about their kids potentially marrying someone of a different race, it seems like most of them change their minds once kids are involved. The need to see your grandkids can soften some people's opinions. It's a shame that they push their own fears on their kids though.

@Risque: Glad at least one of your parents has been supportive. I think it's a great idea to pass on cultural heritage and traditions. I really wish that my family kept a lot of traditions from Europe, since most of them immigrated just a generation or two ago. I plan to teach my children English and expose them to American culture as they grow up.

@Iku: I really have no idea how Cracker Barrel ended up sounding like Taco Bell.

I like to think I'm pretty good about understanding people with accents, but sometimes I'll get thrown for a loop. One old guy kept asking me if I'd show him my "ja hanko". My what??? It took several tries until I finally understood "John Hancock". Apparently that is a round about way for asking for a signature, but given the context (casual first time conversation) it made no sense to me. He then told me I must not be a real American for not understanding.

@ Ferra - Well not all of them will of course but a sense of honor and loyalty is more prominent in their culture than a place such as the west where it's "Every man for himself"

Many many challenges. Primarily communication, as we see the world in completely different sides of a box. In a sense I haven't really overcome them but in a way physical interaction has been the easiest way to communicate. Learning her unique body language as to what is good and what is bad. Once I have a job I will be able to care for her full-time though, allowing me to spend more time learning about her, and possibly giving her that needed environment where she can be herself without the world judging her.

@Poet: I'm still not sure I would call that honor, but I see what you mean. The social contract in Japan expects people to care for one another and look out for the group. I saw a great example first hand after the giant earthquake two years ago. Everyone stood in line peacefully at grocery stores, businesses gave away food and supplies, people volunteered and still do to help clear out the coast lines. You can't even tell there was an earthquake anymore. And loyalty is strong too. On a walk around his neighborhood, my boyfriend pointed out a bakery. He says the one down the street tastes much better, but he always buys from this one because they gave away everything for free after the earthquake to people who didn't have food.

The flip side is that it's next to impossible to become a member of the group if you're not Japanese. I accept my role as an outlier and don't wish I was Japanese. In some ways, I have it easy because I can enjoy a lot of the benefits of Japanese society without having to pay the costs (long work hours, obeying all social rules, correctly using polite speech, etc.) The downside is I'll probably always be asked "So, when are you going home?" by strangers until the day I die.

Wow, it must be hard to relate when you see things so differently. But it's great that you can read her well and are working to learn more about her wants and needs. May I ask how you two met?

Wow that's quite nice. Giving business to the company that is more willing to care for the community in times of need.

Ah yeah, well when you're in a place where you're different of course the first thing they will think is when you'll be leaving. I have to admit I think that sometimes when I see Japanese people here. I wonder how long they plan to stay because a lot of the time they're not here longterm.

We actually met on Gaia surprisingly... Something good came of the greedy giant :3
It's still hard and yes when in person we fought quite a bit but I know much of it is my fault because I lack the knowledge to understand her fully. When in a relationship with someone on the Autistic spectrum you have to be willing to make sacrifices, because most of the time they will want to stick to a familiar routine much more than the average person. I will likely slowly introduce her to new things though.

@Ferra: It was the Bell and Barrel part that got me confused. I'm sure I can attribute the misunderstanding to other things like ... not paying attention.

Hahah. xDD That is a strange request for a first meeting.
Hmm.. I don't think I have any humorous stories for here yet. P: I'm sure I'll have some in due time though. XD

Ferra, what you're saying is very interesting. I've watched a documentary about Japanese culture and how foriegners handle Japan - most of them can't ignore the fact that they'll always feel "outsiders" in the community, no matter how many years they'll live there, so they end up leaving.
Only the ones who accept it as it is will stay.
Also, it is really interesting what you said about the after -earthquake incident. People are being so nice and somehow stay calm even after such a traumatic event.

That's what I like about Japan. Their life is so easy and peaceful in the way Japanese people were taught to think and act. As long as you think inside the box, act according to the rules, everything you will do will come out pretty easy.
It's pretty kind of a robotic lifestyle. Of course thinking outside the box is very important, but to people who are tired from such things, and just want to have a relaxed and peaceful lifestyle without chasing after things, it's a pretty neat solution.

sorry about my English though hehe

I honestly wouldn't care about being an outsider... I'm an outsider in my own country as is XD

Japan think inside the box? Then how come they have such amazingly interesting creations?

I didn't explain myself correctly - of course any person may or may not be creative, the problem with Japanese society is that there are some strict rules that they will never try to even cross.
That's why they're sometimes called as "ant workers" they do their job effectively and efficiently because they are not expected to think more than what they are required to do. In my country, you're always expected to think outside the box, be creative and responsible as much as you can (depends were you work, of course), and the minimum is never enough, you always get the feeling that the boss expects more from what you're required to do. If not, you'll always get scolded that you're not proactive enough. And for someone like me, who is not the most assertive person out there, it's a problem.

Another example of what i'm trying to explain, in the documentary I learned that they teach in a very old school and monotonous techniques. Teachers who tried to ask the permission of using some of the western teaching techniques (for example, the use of TV), didn't succeed in getting permission.

Also, the regular citizens are not involved enough with what is going on in their country. Their government is very secretive with their citizens; they're basically blind folded. Japanese people love the peace and quiet, they're taught not to take drastic action by themselves, and so they will never take actions against their own government. They do what they're being told to do. That's what I call as being "robotic". Example: No one in Japan knew that eating dolphin and whale meat is poisonous to them. Their meat has a high level of mercury and toxins in them, and they didn't even know! The government continues to sell dolphins and whale meat to their citizens even if they know that it's dangerous! They don't give a damn because of the profit. Also, most of the Japan citizens don't even know about the cruel killing of dolphins and whales. They stab them, until they die from the loss of blood. Japan government is still continuing doing so. I'm sure that if the Japan citizens had the guts and decide to do something about it, the government will make changes, or at least kill those poor dolphins in a more civilized way.

In thew US and other western cultures, you should agree with me that it's totally different. People try to fight against what is unfair, and that way people can make changes and evolve. In Japan, relatively to the fact that it is supposed to be a modern and developed nation, they're pretty outdated in that area.

oh gosh expecting an employee to be assertive D: I would so fail.

I honestly don't think the TV is really going to help you learn all that much... sure there's a few videos but really a drawing on the board will probably have the same effect.

Actually... if you knew the truth about the fact that dolphins are starting to be known for murdering of a female's babies to put her back into heat so he can mate with her. They are also known to rape females, dolphin AND human. Additionally, it seems, they will also kill human males because they are seen as competition. Dolphins, primarily the males, are not all happy and kind as we think they are. So I can't agree with the "poor dolphin" statement...

We "fight against what is unfair" but to be honest, our government system has been unfair for generations.

@Poet: Well, even when I tell people that I'll probably stay in Japan permanently, they're always really shocked. My coworkers joke that I need to marry a Japanese guy so I can stay. (Most of them don't know my boyfriend and I are dating, so I just nod and smile )

Oh wow! I've never been a part of a long-distance relationship nor one that started online so I find that really interesting. Do you meet each other in person a lot now?

It makes sense that she wants to stick to a familiar routine. I taught special needs students English for a few years and I made sure to follow a familiar pattern every lesson to put my students at ease and gradually introduced new material at a comfortable pace. It was one of my favorite classes. <3

@Iku: Ah, makes sense.

Yeah, he was an odd guy. It was the first and last time I ever attended that particular language club. Found one that was much more friendly and never looked back.

I hope you'll share your stories here when you do!

@Mogwai: Huh, interesting. What documentary did you watch? How old was it? I feel like it's become easier for long-term foreigners to make a niche for themselves in Japan, but in general most of us are limited to English teaching unless we have training in special skills or open a restaurant/bar. But a large part of that is lack of Japanese fluency. If you become a near native-level speaker, a lot more doors open for you. You'll still always be an outsider, but personally I don't think it's that bad.

I'm not sure people blindly trust the government though. During the last election, my boyfriend was very apathetic about it and occasionally comments about the "idiots" in charge. Post-earthquake, there have been a lot of citizens who have become activists to protest the government and nuclear energy. There's plenty of internet commentary about any sort of health issue too. A university in my city posts daily radiation readings online, for example. That isn't to say what you said is totally untrue, but it's more complicated than that, I think. And really, I feel like a lot of American government is just as secretive these days. =/ But that's a topic for another thread...

Also, I'm happy to report that education is slowly improving (at least in my city). The old teachers are still set in their ways and will often stick to "boring" methods because they are not tech-savvy and not trained to teach any other way. But most younger teachers are interested in trying new things and are much more likely to use multimedia. Every single classroom at my elementary schools have big screen TVs to use. Then again, every office still uses fax machines rather than scanners/email. Some things are still stuck in the 90s.

The Japanese culture is so wonderful I want to live there permanently. Their culture makes so much more sense to me than this one.

I've met her in person for about 2 months, but other than that I'm just working on getting us a place to live together permanently.

Yknow the funny thing about that... is that if you put students in a routine they're a lot more prone to learn in general. The only problem is that they latch onto those routines. I mean in a way we're all just like those autistic kids, we just don't really think about it.

@Poet: Believe me, it's far from perfect. Every country has its flaws. And there are definitely a lot of Japanese people who seem unhappy with society too.

As a foreigner, it takes a lot of effort to learn the rules of society. After 3 years, I still make a lot of mistakes. But people generally laugh them off because I'm foreign. Some days I wish I had more freedom. In the US you can do your own thing and not get bothered much. I feel like I'm always being watched when I'm outside and I have to be ready to be on my best behavior at all times since I'm a "cultural ambassador" for the US and public employee. Strangers will come up to me and ask personal questions a lot. I know it's out of friendly curiosity, but some days it is tiresome. And no one will ever understand why it's uncomfortable to be treated differently. "But they're being nice." "But you are different." "Oh, I don't see what the problem is" - are the sort of reactions you might hear. That might be why a lot of expats tend to stick together since there are some things even your best Japanese friends probably won't "get" because they'll never experience it for themselves.

@Ferra - Oh, the documentary was made in early 2000 or something, I don't really remember. Well, that's good to hear that things are getting better in that aspect. The documentary that I watched said so too, things are changing slowly, and Japanese people are getting more and more open with foreigners. People are changing their community slowly. Beginning from small, you know? Well, I didn't mean that Japanese people trust their government. You said so yourself, that such topics that paint Japanese government in a bad way is mainly being released through the internet, but the TV and press release can't say whatever they want. Most of the news on Japanese TV is about unimportant stuff, but the more problematic things are being withheld as much as possible. At least that's what I understood from the documentary. Perhaps i'm wrong and things are different now days.
btw, what about the dolphin meat? What do Japanese people think about that? I'm pretty curious.

All in all, you're right to say that every government has it's own flaws. That's why I also would love to live in Japan. Life seems much simpler there.

@Poet - TV was just an example. What I tried to say is that their ways of teachings are pretty boring.

And about the dolphins... well. At the same way I can tell you that there are a lot of records of wild dolphins rescuing people from drowning many times, and that they are overall very sophisticated, intelligent and kind species ; They live in colonies family groups, both the male and female will feed their infant, and they are self conscious mammals. Even human babies are not intelligent enough to be self conscious - dolphins are. Their emotions are very similar to ours - that's why I think they rescue people and are generally very curious about us just as we are. They have sonar, you see. They can sense that we are similar in some ways like they are. Not every animal is curious of us. Most of them are either afraid of us or want to eat us. They are curious. Curiosity means high level of intelligence.
I think killing dolphins and whales is murder, and it's different than killing fish. Of course, vegetarians and vegans can argue with that - but I still think it's very cruel to kill any kind of animal, being as it's a dolphin, a sheep or a fish - in such cruel ways. So yes, those dolphins ARE poor little dolphins. Every animal has it's own flaws. It doesn't mean they deserve to die that way. It's nature. The stronger survives. The stronger has the right to pass down it's genes, which is crucial for the survival of the species. Heck, if you're on the subject of cruelty, in that case, WE are the ones who deserve to die. Not mere dolphins. What did they do to us? Eat our fish? lol.