This story is dark and does get a bit gory. It is a work in progress and I have no idea when I'll finish it. Here's the first bit.

Infected

Walking around these crowded streets with all these happy people going about their lives I can’t help but notice I’m not like them. My body is slowing; every breath I take is poisonous. I am different, I’ve been infected. That is what they call us, the Infected. We’re not even human in their eyes, not any more. It’s like we’re the disease we carry. They think us selfish for wanting to live with our limited time, maybe we are, but who would want to lie in bed wondering, waiting for your time to come. They think we should just turn ourselves in to be quarantined, but they don’t know how this disease works. They think our time is set once we’ve contracted the disease no, oh no, the clock starts ticking once we stop. If we managed to keep going till then we could even die of old age. All the people who go to the government or are brought there to be quarantined are doomed, even if they get moving it’s too late. There are some who try to escape the government facility; even if they succeed they only end up dying on the streets and infecting even more people.

Those of us on the street that are carriers can’t trust anyone. Any one who found out would report us and we’d be dragged off to die in quarantine. I can’t blame them for it. They think it’s better for us and safer for them. I know it’s death for us but for them I can’t be sure, some say that we’re infecting people as carriers, other argue it’s not contagious until it is activated. But only those with a vested interest would dig deep enough to even find the second opinion, of course most don’t even know we’re only carriers. I’ve yet to hear of some one out side the government or the carriers that even know about the two stages.

Lost in my thoughts I didn’t notice the commotion until a man ran into me. “You’re going the wrong way, there’s an Infected over there!” He yelled back at me as he hadn’t paused and just kept running away. Being roused from my thoughts I finally noticed that the crowd had parted and the street was nearly bare. The only other people on the street were suited up government workers and a young boy no older then fourteen. From his ragged hospital dress I could tell he was an escapee. I felt sick- this boy was as good as dead, his clock was ticking and who knew how long he had left. I hid in an ally and crouched behind the trash cans keeping nearly still, other then the leg that I had tapping to keep the infection at bay. I prayed that they hadn’t seen me if they had they’d take me in for a blood test. Most of the people that had been on the street would be tested, a preventive measure against the infection. Anyone who was positive would be quarantined on the spot.

I snuck a glance through the crack between the cans. The boy was nearly surrounded by the government workers when he suddenly lurched forward, my heart stopped. Not again.

I couldn’t bear to see this again. Yet, I couldn’t tear my eyes away, all the men tensed as the convulsions started. Large lines wormed their way through out his skin as if snakes were moving under the surface. Blood streamed down his face from his eyes like crimson tears. I felt bile rise to my throat as I had no choice but to watch this stranger’s gory death, only too aware that it could be me. He fell to the ground on his hands and knees coughing up even more crimson blood. The bulges started to gather on his back I held my breath as the seconds dragged by. It wouldn’t be much longer.

I knew this, but still it was as if an eternity passed as I waited for it to be over, for that poor boy to be put out of his misery. Then it happened. A laceration appeared on his back and he let out a howl of anguish. I wanted so badly to shield my eyes from the sight but I couldn’t and I knew this scene would burn itself in to my mind, just like the rest of them… with only that as a warning it burst from his back I would have screamed if I hadn’t known that this was what it was leading up to from the beginning. That thing was made from the flesh of the boy. This one took the form of tentacles coming from the mangled corpse. No that‘s not quite true, that boy wouldn’t fully die until it was killed or expired by itself. He would feel everything that happened. With this thought and the sight and smell of the gore I couldn’t stand it anymore. I turned my head to the side just in time to empty the contents of my stomach. Now with acid burning my throat and the vomit only enhancing the already putrid smell I wanted nothing more then to run as far as I could. The only thing that kept me there was the knowledge that I would be caught and quarantined if I tried to run.

An ear piercing shriek sounded from behind me, my head involuntarily whipped back around to stare out the crack. I knew he shouldn’t be able to scream now. What I saw confirmed my fears one of the bloody tentacles had run one of the men through, disemboweling him. The rest of the men tried to get away as fast as they could. One man tripped as he backed away. A tentacle shot forward as the man attempted to scurry away, the bone tip of it quickly pierced through his helmet and on through his forehead. What was most likely brain matter, splattered on the pavement as the tentacle came out the back of the helmet. It headed toward the next closest man, dragging the man’s corpse with it. The third man scampered back toward the rest of the crew and the tentacle stopped.

The tentacle that had disemboweled a man, now threw him at his comrades. As the dying man was hurled through the air I saw something move in the wound. I want to shout out for them to run but no words would fall from my lips. I recognized this strain. It was a highly infectious one; any one in this area not wearing protective suits would have been infected from contact in the air. The fatal wounds that the men had received would speed up the infection to late second stage even though they were just infected. As if to confirm my deduction the disemboweled man burst into tentacles that immediately went after the five remaining men. The three men in front were instantly torn to shreds, blood splattering the once cheerful street. I noticed the first Infected had stopped going after the two men. It could no longer reach them. That was not the case with the second, a tentacle shot out at the thinner of the two it managed to scratch the suit before the thin man was pushed out of the way by the bulker of the two, who by doing so sacrificed himself.

It was if a spell was lifted, I remembered the gun in my possession and could move freely once again. I fumbled with my pack wasting a few precious seconds as I groped for the gun. Finally with it in my hands I aimed at the tentacle that was heading for the remaining man. I held my breath and fired I could feel the slight change in the air as I fired. The bullets in the gun were made of the only material known to kill the infection. It couldn’t be used as an antidote but it was affective in clearing an infected area or killing off a fully awakened Infected. The bullet hit its mark and the tentacle dropped, the rest of the second Infected started to fall as well. I quickly shot the original Infected and the dead man still on its tentacle. I got up from behind the trash cans and ran toward the one survivor, when I got close I shot the three shredded bodies and the man who sacrificed himself. After shooting this many times I could feel a large change in the air, the infection was clearing quite a bit. The last man who was pressed tight to the front of a building with the dead tentacle an inch from his feet stared at me in shock. I could only imagine what could be going through his head. He had most likely thought that he had no hope and was going to die, but in stead a civilian came to his rescue with a top secret weapon that wasn’t even in circulation within the military. Confused would probably be an understatement. But he’d have to deal with it for now, the rip in his suit meant he was now one of the Infected. I’d explain it to him later- right now we had to run.

Wow... dark and gory is right, but it's really interesting! I like your writing style, it's very good and draws me into the story. I would love to read more if you post it. I like how you've been very vague about the main character so far, and hope to find out more about this person later! There seem to be some minor grammar issues, a few sentences that could be reorganized for better understanding. But other than that I can't find anything you need to fix. Good luck with your work in progress.

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it. It's the first story I've felt good enough about to post any where. Here's the next part.

If protocol had been followed an alert had been sent when the boy started his convulsions. Reinforcements would be here soon and unless I wanted to condemn the two of us to death in quarantine, I had to get us gone. A siren sounded not too far away. I panicked, I grabbed his hand and started running. I pulled him through an alley down another block and into the next alley. For reasons unknown to me the man had not struggled and had simply followed with out a word. I assumed it was due to shock.

“You need to take that off.” My voice was weak and cracked from lack of use and it was odd hearing the once familiar sound, it was almost like a shadowed memory from another life.

The man just stood there making no move to do as I said. “Look, I’ll explain every thing when we’re not running for our lives. For now all you need to know is that you’re now infected and if you don’t do as I say we’ll both die.” Though my voice was weak the force of my words got across and he lifted the helmet off his head. His face was as white as a sheet, though that was to be expected after all that he had just seen. What shocked me was that the man was barely a man, he looked to be no older then nineteen. Yet he had a job such as this, I knew that there was no way that he had all the experience need for the front line. The standard was four years of schooling after high school and two years training in the lab. If the prerequisites were being ignored it would certainly explain the chaos that just occurred. None of the men seemed to have any clue on what to do and it cost them their lives. My gut twisted as a fleeing thought made me wonder how many of the corpses back there we’re as young as the survivor.

The young man gathered what remained of his courage to ask. Though it was clear he dreaded the answer. ”I’m infected?”

I sighed, the government really didn’t know any thing about the infection did they? But then again it might be that they just didn’t tell the grunts anything.

“Yes, you are. It happened when that tentacle scratched your suit. When there is a fully awakened Infected anyone in direct contact to the air is Infected. Though it takes some time before it is awakened in them.” He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off. “We don’t have much time. Like I said, I’ll explain every thing later but right now we have to move. I need you to take off that suit, it attracts too much attention. Although the streets are empty right here a few blocks away life is continuing as usual. We have no chance of fitting in with you in that suit.”

“R-right” he said and started to remove the suit.

“Oh, and whatever you do, don’t stop moving even if it’s only your hand.” I said bringing his attention to our linked hands that I had kept moving.

I waited impatiently as he removed the suit. After what seemed to be an eternity due to my pounding heart he finally had the suit off. The clothes he wore under weren’t civvies but they’d do. I took the suit and shoved it in the nearest trashcan and took his hand again.

“Let’s go” I said as I took off down the alleyway not waiting for a response. After five more winding blocks we finally started to see other people, so we slowed to a more normal speed. I let out a small sigh of relief. It wasn’t safe yet, but we were out of immediate danger. Looking around that feeling of utter aloneness started to creep up on me. Everyone around was going along normally oblivious to what had just happened a little more then six blocks from here.

Just as my thoughts started to turn dark again I over heard two girls walking by. “He’s pretty cute.” A blonde girl said to her friend as she looked at the young man by my side.

“Yeah, too bad he’s taken.” The other girl answered shooting an envious look at me. Hearing this made me realize two things, first that I wasn’t all alone now. Second, how the two of us must look. I hadn’t thought about it until then, I had been running for my life for so long that I didn’t think like that. A young man and a young woman walking down the street hand in hand, for me it was nothing more then guiding the man until we got to a safe place where I could inform him of how to live in this new life. Then he could go his own way and I could get back to my search. But to others it must look like we were a young couple, the thought made me slightly uncomfortable. Despite everything, I was still only a teenager, even if I had never lived like one. So the fact that these people thought this unknown man and I were a couple was a little awkward. But at least it was a good way to blend in.

We continued to walk in silence for quite a while, while I searched for a place to stay for the night. I would have thought I was alone if not for the warm hand that had yet to leave mine. Although we were silent, our surroundings was far from it. All around us, life buzzed and it continued until a hauntingly familiar crackling sound cut in over the crowd as speakers came to life. “Attention all citizens. As many of you may know, earlier today there were reports of an Infected running amok in town. I assure you he has been caught and is now in transport to quarantine where he will receive the best care possible,” reported the monotone voice. I still wasn’t sure if it was a computer generated voice or if there really was someone so stoic.

“Bullshit” I muttered under my voice, the sound barely audible. They were once again lying to the people, not that it wasn’t a daily occurrence but still it didn’t fail to irk me to no end. That boy was dead. The men sent to retrieve him, sans one, were dead and if any one was quarantined from this, they’d end up dead too. Yet, they had the gall to say everything was all right.

”…once again there is a mandatory heath check for every one who was within five blocks of 21st and 2nd. If you or some one you’ve come in contact with has been in that area please report to the clinic on 8th street. This is to ensure everyone’s safety. We ask for your cooperation in keeping our city safe.” With that the broadcast cut off. The street was completely silent for a moment a gust of wind blew down the street it rattled a shop sign and stirred up dead leaves. Still no one moved. Finally it seemed to sink in, one man grabbed a gasmask that he had under his coat put it on and started looking at everyone suspiciously. One woman started hyperventilating, another started hysterically crying about how she was too young to die. Over the brouhaha I just barely heard the siren approaching, they didn’t plan on waiting for people to go to the clinic. We needed to get as far from here as possible as fast as we could.

I made a quick assessment of the situation the siren was coming from the direction of the scene that meant that they had all ready conclude what basically transpired there. So they knew they were looking for a rogue worker, due to the missing body, and at least one person with access to top secrete weapons. They’d be looking for us. I looked over at the young man taking in his government issue clothing they had been fine till now because we were only seen by civilians, but one look and our pursuers would know exactly who he was. I quickly looked at the store fronts searching for a men’s clothing store. I spotted one down the block in the opposite direction of the siren. I ran toward it, no longer worried what people would think seeing as most were panicking themselves so two people running like the devil was on their heels would not be unusual.

I stopped running when we had gotten to the store and calmly walked through the door leading the young man behind me. Once inside the store I measured him with my eyes then grabbed the first thing I could find in what I guessed was his size. “Here go put these on.” I said as I shoved the clothes into his hands and steered him in the right direction. I watched as he walked in to the dressing room then turned to the clerk. “Excuse me sir.” I said in a demure voice trying to pass off my unused voice as simple shyness. ”My friend would like to wear the clothes out so would you be able to ring up the tags?”

“Ah yes, ma’am that would be fine. Is there anything else I can do for you?” The clerk answered in a polite professional tone. I hesitated for a second there was one other thing but I wasn’t sure how to ask with outgiving too much a way.

“Well… yes, if it wouldn’t be too much of a bother. When we leave may we use the rear exit? You see my friend got involved with a rough crowd a while back and I’m afraid they may be tailing us.” I said hurriedly coming up with it on the spot. At this point, the young man had finished changing and was making his way up to us. His still, lifeless expression only helped my story.

“…No problem at all, you can use the employee exit that leads to the alley out back,” said the slightly taken aback clerk.

“Thank you very much.” I said giving a genuine smile. I turned to my temporary companion to make sure the clothes fit. From what I could see they fit perfectly. So I took the price tags and had the clerk ring up the clothes. The total came out to $37.45, I handed him a fifty, turned and started toward the back exit pulling the man with me. Before the clerk could tell me to wait I turned my head and told him to keep the change. I walked to the back of the store, locating the rear exit. I pushed the door open and left as quickly as I had come. I had started running before the door had even shut. The detour had been necessary but we had wasted some of the little time we had till the streets were crawling with government agents searching for us.

As we pounded pavement, putting more distance between us and them, I was constantly searching. I was looking for a car left running, bikes left unlocked, any thing that would give us more speed. I spotted a subway station and nearly paused, but public transport would be one of the first places they looked, if it wasn’t already shut down. We rounded the next corner and that’s where we found it, a black Harley with the engine still running. I headed to it quickly finding two helmets sitting on the bike. Putting one on, I handed the other to the man. I straddled the bike, turned to him and gestured for him to get on. I had him put his arms around me and set his fingers tapping against my side so I could make sure he kept moving. As I removed my hands I saw that he got the hint since he kept his fingers tapping against me. With little time left I shot out of the parking space just as a man in a leather jacket started yelling at us. Paying the man no more attention then a glance in the left mirror I turned a sharp corner that cut us off from view.

We sped along the back roads, feeling the wind sting any bare skin. After around an hour of reckless driving we were almost out of town. The end of city limits was right in front of us, along with a barricade that checked everyone who came in the city or left. I felt the man’s arms tighten as the check point came into sight that let me know he was starting to understand the situation and coming out of his shock if only a little. Though the road block was the least of my worries, I could see why he was concerned. All ways in and out of cities had check points, a preventive measure against the infection. Not an effective one since all of us carriers that knew anything, knew how to get around them.

One thing that never changed no matter what city you were in was that the areas around the check points were ghetto. Which happens to be the easiest place for a carrier to hide and that is why whenever a carrier wasn’t a drifter like me, they could be found in the ghetto. Some of the ones in the ghetto would help others in and out of the cities. We referred to them as Handlers. That is who we were looking for. I turned down one of the streets and start looking at the yards as we past if there was help here I would be able to find it. As I looked for the tell tale signs I would occasionally see a few of the signs in the wrong places or one sign in the right place. Finally on the fourth street I turned on I saw it, too anyone else the yard may look like a junk yard with trash randomly tossed around, but the signs were there. I slowed the bike to a crawl to double check the signs. When I was sure I hadn’t made a mistake I stopped the bike and unlike the biker I took the key from the ignition. I took off the helmet and turned to walk to the house. I looked over my shoulder to see the young man still on the bike. “Are you coming or not?” Though my voice was still weak I knew he had heard me so I walked to the door not looking back to see if he had followed. He had.

I knocked on the door three times rang the bell twice then knocked four more times. If the person really was a carrier they would now know why I was here. The door opened slightly and I saw a figure move in the dim light of the house. The door swung fully open and a hand gestured us inside. I went in with no hesitation but my temporary companion looked around suspicion clear in his eyes. I grabbed his hand and yanked him in; he would draw too much attention. I think I liked him better before he was coming out of shock.

Inside the dimly lit room I could make out the figure of an older male, he looked to be in his forties. I gave him a small bow in thanks. I knew that even letting us in was a risk for him. He gave curt nod in response, then made a few quick gestures with his hands. I knew them, they where part of the crude hand signals that we used to communicate one carrier to another. It was too risky to speak aloud someone might over hear or have bugged a suspicious house. He had asked what we were here for. I hurriedly signaled back I told him that we were here to get out of town and briefly informed him of what had went down with the poor kid who had become a fully awakened because of the quarantine.

He nodded his head gravely. It was always humbling to remember that we were living on borrowed time and depressing to know another had lost the fight.”I see. Tunnel under house. Before you go, you’re in need of arms dealer?” He signed.

I was a bit taken back. An arms dealer? There were so few that had these bullets it was rare to find one even after months of searching. I had been lucky when I got my gun. It had come strait from a government testing lab. “You know one?” I signed as I regained my composure. It was common for a Handler to have supplies that carriers would need and valuable information about the town and news of the outside. But to know of an arms dealer that was incredible.

He nodded. ”Two streets north, third house on the left coming from the west. Same knock, give this.” He signed then handed me a small card. ”Leave him. Draws unwanted attention.”

“Thank you” I signed then bowed. “You’ll keep him moving? He’s new.” He nodded in response. I turned to walk out but stopped with my hand on the door knob. “Stay here for now, I’ll be right back.” I said to the young man finally returning to using my frail voice. I then walked out the door not looking back. I knew the Handler would take care of him, so for now I was focused on meeting with the arms dealer.

Here's the last bit I have type right now.

Out side I hopped on the bike that I had acquired earlier and took off following the Handler’s instructions. Before long I was in front of the house. I parked the bike and took a quick look at the house, nothing stood out. It didn’t have even one of the telltale signs. For a few seconds I debated on whether or not to knock. I decide that I would, what’s the harm in getting the wrong place I’d just say sorry and go back. Though a little voice in the back of my head was quick to tell me what the harm could be, that I might infect the innocent unsuspecting person that opens the door who is already in bad shape being in the ghetto. I took a breath to steal myself and knocked. A petite girl who looked to be no older then twelve opened the door.”Hi, can I help you?” She asked beaming up at me.

My heart just about stopped; how could this be the right place? If only to try to ease the guilt I was feeling I held up the card I had been given. “Yeah, does this mean anything to you?”

I didn’t think it was possible but her eyes got even brighter then they were and her smile wider. “A customer! Come in, come in.” She hurried me inside and shut the door. In stark contrast to the Handlers house hers was well lit with mostly natural light. What, from the outside were holes in a worn out roof, made an array of light streaming in. She had fit the holes with different colored glass, the result was breath taking. She had managed to take this run down little place in the ghetto and make it a wonderful place to live with out drawing unwanted attention. “Welcome to my humble abode!” she said gaily bowing with her arm swept out. “So the Handler sent you.” She stated rather then asked. “I’m the local arms dealer or rather right here is where I, an arms dealer, resides for now.” I was a bit taken aback by her behavior. All I had know about arms dealers was that they themselves were carriers and that they were extremely hard to find. But this was definitely not what I had expected.

“Sooo, what can I help you with this fine day?” Asked the extremely hyper arms dealer. She had clasped her hands behind her back and was lightly bouncing on her heels.

“Ah, should we talk so openly…?” I asked uncertain of how things worked with an arms dealer and if we should use the signs.

“Ohhh” she said understanding. “Don’t worry their no way they could have bugged the place and I’m not being watched. Plus this is a ghetto arms deals are nothing out of the ordinary. Even if this one is. Perfect disguise, don’t ya think?”

Reassured I took the pack off my back and pulled out the gun. “I need more rounds for this.” I held out the gun.

There was a special sparkle in her eye when I pulled out the gun and I could see her eyes follow its movements as I held it out. “May I?” she asked her voice the softest it had been since I gotten there. It sounded as if she wanted to hold a newborn but was afraid, if she was too loud it would wake up or disappear. I nodded. She gingerly took it from my hands and started to examine it. “This is the newest model! How did you…?” She made a funny face. “It’s been recently fired.” It was a statement but she looked at me questioningly.

I sighed I hadn’t wanted to tell her, she was still a child… no, she was like me forced to grow up to soon; she was just able to retain the innocent actions of a child that I had lost. I had no choice so I told her of what had befallen.

“I see.” She said her face in a sad smile. “It’s good that you were able to put them out of their misery. And where is the man you saved?”

“He stayed with the Handler.”
“Then you’ve taken him on as your responsibility?”

“Yes, until I can tell him what he needs to know.”

“That’s good! Now, let’s see if the rounds I have will work with this model! Follow me!” She skipped to one of the four blank walls seemingly at random then pressed on an unmarked spot, a square the size of her hand was pushed back she then twisted it to the left so it was on edge. A section of the floor rose up and made the same twist as the square piece of the wall. She then went over to it and lifted it revealing a stair case. She jumped down the stairs two at a time and I followed behind at a more normal pace. As I made my way down the circular stair case dark shapes started to form in the room as my eyes adjusted to the lack of light.

Once my foot hit the floor a bright light flashed on and momentarily blinded me. Blinking my eyes the room came into focus, the room was lined with shelves and there were wooden crates covering the floor a few had the lids propped open. The only space on the floor was a thin path that wound its way through the crates. She was standing in front of me with a sheepish look on her face. “Sorry, I should have warned you about the light.”

“It’s fine.” I said a little puzzled by her enigmatic personality.

“Good, then we can get to work! Right this way.” She said as she opened a door that I didn’t even notice. Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me in the room still cradling my gun in her other hand. The room we entered had a large table lined with tools with a large light hanging over it. The rest of the room was quite a bit darker and I couldn’t make out the far end of the room from were I stood.

She led me over to the table were she gently placed my gun on a clean cloth. She looked over to me grasping a tool in her hand, it’s use was for cleaning. The longing look in her eyes communicated so that she didn’t have too and she had regained that same demure appearance that she had when she took it. I nodded know that whatever she was going to do would not do me or the gun any harm. She expertly disassembled the gun and began examining every part as she cleaned it. I heard her start muttering to herself about the gun. “It was modeled on a… hmm but it has similarities to the… Ah ha it should take the modified .357 Magnum.” She said the last bit triumphantly. “Stay here I’ll be right back.” She said excitedly and rushed out of the room. I heard what sounded like things falling then a few curses.

“Do you need help?” I question, I was not sure if my weak voice even reached her.

But after a few more crashes a muffed voice answered. “I’m fine. Just stay there.”

I debated with myself on whether or not to listen to her and stay put. Just as I decided that I would go help her and went to go out, she appeared at the door carrying a box with one hand and brushing the dust off her clothes with the other. “Found it!” She exclaimed loudly as she proudly held out the box.

She shoved the box into my hands and got my gun from the table. She beckoned me over to the far side of the room then pulled a cord hanging from the ceiling, a light lit up at the far end and I could finally see the far end of the room. At the end of the room there was a door shape tunnel that was blocked at about lower chest height by a wooden structure. At the end of the tunnel where the light was emanating was a target. She placed the gun gently on the wooden barrier and held her hand out for me to put the box in, which I quickly complied with. She put the box with the gun. She opened the box and pulled out a single .357 magnum. She inspected it then loaded it into my gun. She pulled out a pair of safety glass, put them on and took aim at the target. It looked like she was about to pull the trigger when she stopped and put the gun down. “Opps.” She said while knocking herself in the head and sticking her tongue out cutely. “I forgot to set up the target.”

She opened a latch on the side of the wooden structure and it swung forward and nearly hit me but I moved in time. She strode down the tunnel and when she got to the end, she opened a compartment on the wall and brought out a glass box with something moving inside. She attached it to the target and walked back. I couldn’t get a clear view of it until she was back with me. Inside the glass was a specimen of a fully awakened Infected. I was only a little taken aback it made sense, the only way to test the weapon would be on what it was made to destroy.

She went back to her earlier position with the gun in her hand, this time she didn’t stop and shot the Infected dead on through the glass. It withered and died.

"but who would want to lie in bed wondering when, no, waiting for your time to come"

the when,no,waiting part looks bad. Just a very remedial english feel to it.

"Heh, they think our time is set once we’ve contracted the disease no, oh no, the clock starts ticking once we stop"

You use a pompous sort of smirk noise as part of the actual sentence with "heh" so take that out. Also the use of no, oh no is sort of cheesy. The sentence itself is too long. I don't have the time to read and point out all the structural flaws in the story. I 'spose I would judge the story on how old you were? If you're still in school, I think you've done a great job. Everyone is big on zombies now after the rise of vampires in pop culture thanks to twilight (ugh) and zombies will never get that high, but still, seeing em more and more. That's at least the undertone I got from the first paragraph. A zombie like disease. The premise that people are turning into those things, and there is very small government oversight on killing them, or even allowing them to live is sort of... bleh, but that's for the story right?

Overall not bad, I don't like alot of the sentence structure, but at least your grammars fine. I didn't see any "u's" or "lolroflrofls" in there haha. Keep it up, and try stepping outside of yourself when you edit the story.

You should never throw a story together in one sitting and be happy with it. Show some teeth. I write short stories, and I will probably go over them 5 or 6 times before I sit down for a final edit, and then I have 2 friends give me editing opinions. The thing about art is that no one can really tell you, idea wise, you are wrong, but you may want to work on your actual mechanics a little.

Good luck in the future :D

Plague, be sure to put other people's writing in quote tags, as it is against the rules to earn gold for text you didn't write. I've gone ahead and put her work into quotes for you, but just remember to do that next time. Thanks!

Thank you for the review Plague. I have fixed what you have pointed out. I am still in school.

As for the disease itself it's not a zombie thing though the first paragraph may have given that impression. The first two paragraphs are the character reflecting on the disease and are a bit metaphoric. Since it is a disease and not the living dead, the populace would have a problem with the government just killing them off and not looking into a cure. Until the very end those infected by the disease continue to function normally with no symptoms, the only way to tell them apart is with tests.

For editing I have gone over it a few times and one of the friends I showed this just said it was really good and said your review was stupid.:sweat: So he is not much use for editing. Hence the ‘please critique’ in the title, I’ve turned to Mene for that help.

OK, first off Kuroko, the Plague person seems to be disturbed a bit but he did bring up some valid points. I myself am going to discuss some of them.
Before I discuss your technical and grammatical errors I wanted to let you know that I don't really care for many medical/sci-fi/horror genre stories or movies. I do love The Stand by Stephen King and the movie Doomsday amazed me by being so good. Your story, so far, is like Doomsday in that it quickly became drastically different then what I first expected of it. There are many, many technical errors and grammatical issues that make it a very rough read in some spots but I am REALLY enjoying it! Your style is well paced and carries the story well. Your characters are engrossing and I'm left wanting to learn more about them. This is a very mature and well thought out story from what I assume to be a teenager. Not to be cliche (but I'll use one anyway ;) ), your story is like a diamond in the rough, once it's cut and polished it'll be a precious gem.
OK. Now that you know that I dig your story even if it's in a genre that I don't care for; I'm hoping you'll be able to listen to what I tell you and refine this tale into something worthy of publishing!
You need to go through this story with a fine toothed comb, line by line and fix things as you come across them. Read it aloud to yourself. Read it as you want others to be reading it. If there's a pause with no comma then place one. If there's a comma where there's no pause then remove it, et cetera ad nauseum. There are places where sentence structure is in pretty bad shape. Once again, reading it aloud to oneself should give you an idea of whether others reading it will stumble over your words or not. Our brains auto-correct many small discrepancies when silent reading that when read aloud will cause us to get tongue-tied. My next topic is compound words. Do you have something against them? You, it seems would have separated "some" and "thing" in my last sentence instead of leaving it a compound word. When going back through your story, make sure to have the spellchecker on and squish any words together that you think might be a compound word. I think you'll be amazed at how many you have there. Just remember that in some cases they should be separate words. It just depends on the meaning of your sentence. "Everything dies", is a broad statement where as someone talking about, say, a group of your fully awakened infected trapped in an old abandoned building might be written like this. "Every thing dies!" There is an emphasis on "thing" that makes the scope of a more narrow margin.
After going through this story like I've suggested, I then suggest to ask your English teacher if they could spare the time to proofread the story for you. I'm sure they would be glad to do so and would probably be flattered that you would trust them with your work. Teachers are, after all, in the business of encouraging their students and want to see them grow.
There's a lot of work to be done to this but as I've said, it is well worth the effort. It was worth me expending the effort to critique it and I hope you continue to improve and write the story because I'd like to read the rest! :)