I would like some constructive criticism, as well as knowing if the beginning helps to pull the reader in. This is the beginning of chapter one... rough draft. I will however not be placing the whole story once finished on here... because I intend to have it published... and for other reasons as well.


“How could you do this to us Daio?” Those had been the last words they had ever spoken to him, their horrified expressions making it clear that they simply could not accept his lifestyle. No words had been needed for him to come to that conclusion, it was made all the more clear when they had packed his personal belongings and sat them outside on the lawn.

His heart ached at the memory, they'd wasted no time in shoving him out of the nest, because they believed there to be something very wrong with him. He had seen it again and again in their eyes, the anger and the disappointment. In just one instant his world had been obliterated, having lost his home, the love of his parents. At that same time his heart had been crushed by the person he had loved, whom had purported that those feelings were mutual.

Daio did not want to recall that horrendous scene, clutching the books and papers tightly to his chest. His fingers had drained of all color as he hurried down the sidewalk, leading away from Tohoku University.

Originally Posted by Rinchi

“How could you do this to us Daio?”

I’d put a comma after ‘us’.
Also, since you asked specifically about pulling in the reader: It’s not my favorite opening line. We don’t have any connection to whoever the ‘us’ is. While it does introduce the main character’s name right off the bat (which I really like), I feel like this sentence might be better served a little later in the opening when we know that ‘us’ is his family. It means more to the reader that way.

Originally Posted by Rinchi

Those had been the last words they had ever spoken to him, their horrified expressions making it clear that they simply could not accept his lifestyle.

I’d make this sentence a little shorter. Maybe something like: “Those had been the last words they ever spoke to him. Their horrified expressions made it clear that they could not (would not, maybe?) accept his lifestyle.” Or “Those were the last words they had ever spoken to him.”

I think it works better as two sentences as it’s two complete thoughts. The reason I gave two versions of the first part of the sentence (with relatively minor changes) is because something about the two ‘had’s just seems odd to me.

Originally Posted by Rinchi

No words had been needed for him to come to that conclusion, it was made all the more clear when they had packed his personal belongings and sat them outside on the lawn.

I’d make this two sentences too. You could also cut out “for him” in the first part and “all the more” in the second. Again, really rather minor changes, but I think it flows better when it’s shorter.

Originally Posted by Rinchi

His heart ached at the memory, they'd wasted no time in shoving him out of the nest, because they believed there to be something very wrong with him.

I’d end the first sentence at ‘memory’ and start again with ‘They’d…’

Originally Posted by Rinchi

In just one instant his world had been obliterated, having lost his home, the love of his parents.

I’d cut out ‘just’ and put an ‘and’ between ‘his home, the love of…’

Originally Posted by Rinchi

Daio did not want to recall that horrendous scene, clutching the books and papers tightly to his chest.

I’m not sure I care for the word ‘horrendous’. I know it’s horrible and that he hurts very badly, but ‘horrendous, to me, means something far more literal. Demons coming up from Hell and other such gore. That’s a personal preference though, so I’d wait to see if someone else feels the same before changing it.

I’d actually put ‘clutching the books and papers tightly…’ with the next sentence, since you talk about his hands loosing color because of it.

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A lot of your sentences seem long for no real reason. I think you could cut a lot of them in half in order to keep all your information and make each sentence more meaningful to the reader. Readers tend to take in information by the sentence, so if you have too many long sentences next to each other information can get lost.

I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m harping on this point. I actually write really long sentences myself, but whenever I edit I tend to go through and cut them all down.

Also, if you want critique on the whole story when it’s done you could try Critique Circle. It works really well and people have gotten published just fine after submitting things there. You’ll probably have a slightly higher chance of getting published if you get it edited and such. Good luck!

Thank you Nolori. Although I'm not certain about changing the opening line, but I'll think about it. However for all of your other suggestions, I need to remember to look for that. Comma splices have always been my fatal flaw when it comes to writing. It's always kept me from getting more than a B+ on college papers I know that, because I never catch them all.

I was sort of worried about the word obliterated rather than horrendous. I'm not sure what to use in place of horrendous though.

Also thanks for directing me to the Critique Circle. I did intend to get it edited... I don't want it to read like Twilight. I type to fast when an idea strikes or a scene is going well... that I miss or misspell words, so I'm glad to be told about something like CC.

Thank you again for your suggestions.