Drabbles Drabble Drabbles and Some.

Hello, nice to meet you, I'm Kate. To tell you the truth, I'm far from a decent writer but I do it anyways. I set this forum up to post any nonsense that I feel like writing on an odd day. Enjoy!

Table of Contents

1. It's the Truth!

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It's the Truth!

"I can't believe you! You ignorant, useless, little piece of..." her tongue twisted itself making the woman incapable of forming coherent sentences.

The man before her stuttered nervously, "I promise it's not what it looks like!"

"Not what it looks like? Who's under the covers then?"

"No one," he paused, "nothing! I promise!"

"Fine I'll look!" she said.

"Go ahead, look."

"I'll do it! I'll look!" finding the courage to raise the covers her worst fears surfaced themselves. Hidden in the blankets was a young woman holding her breath. Enraged, she looked at her husband, "So this is nothing!? I can't believe we're going through this again!"

"It's not like you haven't cheated on me before! I've seen you flirt with my boss!" the man contradicted her.

"But that's what it is. Flirting! I wouldn't cheat on you!"

"Hah! Like I'll believe that!"

"Fine! You know what don't believe me! You think I care at this point?"

The loud ringing of a cellphone came from the girl in bed, "Shh! Quiet!" she hushed the couple arguing over her. The two instantly became quiet as the girl spoke, "Hello, hunny? How are you?" covering the receiver with the palm of her hand she said, "It's my husband, shhh!

"No hunny, I'm at work. .... I'm not with some guy. ... What do you mean you don't believe me?... We're having this big uhhh transaction, it's going to take a long time to finish. ... I have the boss right here beside me! ... And the accountant too! ... What's her name?" covering the receiver once again she asked, "What's your name?"

"Samantha Earle"

"Her name's Samantha Earl. ... What? You want to talk to her? ... You don't trust me? ... Fine, here you go." she extended her hand and desperately offered her cellphone.

Accepting the small device, Samantha spoke to the man on the other line, "This is Samantha Earle. ... Yes, I'm the accountant. ... I'm afraid we have a LOT of work to do still. ... I'll dismiss your wife as soon as we're done. ... Thank you, bye." Hanging up, the older woman sat herself down on the bed, looked up at her husband and sighed.

Feel free to post your thoughts and reviews. COnstructive criticism is always welcome.

PFT. That was...really clever and funny ;D I've never seen that done before, made me giggle. I love the concept and the execution was pretty expert. I'll admit the woman's motives in lying to the other woman's husband are unclear to me, but you know, I think it still works! Partly because it's played as humour and partly because, well, people do weird things, and because I don't know who this woman is, I can't say she'd do anything else P:

I'd skim through and pick on your prose, but I haven't seen anybody do in-depth crits on a drabble thread, so I assume you wanna keep it clean and organized and free of my rambling~

No, no, if you have the time please, I'd love to hear your opinion. I meant for this short to leave the reader open to making his own assumptions about the story. In my opinion, the relationship between the wife and husband has crumbled to the extent where it became useless to argue anymore and the young girl was a version of the younger Samantha. Haha.

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Does quick reply work? hold on.

Yay! Just warning you, I talk a lot 8D

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"I can't believe you! You ignorant, useless, little piece of..." her tongue twisted itself making the woman incapable of forming coherent sentences.

Her tongue twisted. I'd strike "itself," cause it's not really doing anything in the sentence, unless you would assume without it that somebody else was twisting her tongue ;D Comma between twisted and making; any time you have a clause that begins with onna those -ing in the past tense verbs (they probably have a high school English name I forget B| ) there should be a comma seperating it. "Jane cried, clutching her blanket." "Bob smiled, tearing the contract to shreds."

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"No one," he paused, "nothing! I promise!"

"No one." He paused. "Nothing! I promise!" "Paused" isn't a word you'd exactly use to describe somebody speaking, right? ;D Words like that, "snapped" and "muttered" and "moaned," all get commas. "Paused" and anything else between or after a dialogue doesn't.

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"I'll do it! I'll look!" finding the courage to to raise the covers her worst fears surfaced themselves. Hidden in the blankets was a young woman holding her breath. Enraged, she looked at her husband, "So this is nothing!? I can't believe we're going through this again!"

Finding the courage to to raise the covers, her worst fears

Remember the rule on -ing verbs P: You seem to have a thing for specifying reflexive when you really don't need to. Leave out all "[blank] [verbed] [blank]self" unless the verb construct needs it to make sense. All it does is add extra words ;D

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"It's not like you haven't cheated on me before! I've seen you flirt with my boss!" the man contradicted her.

I'd just say "the man said." The thing is, "said" is invisible, so we don't go "WHOA THAT PERSON IS LOOKING FOR A WORD TO REPLACE SAID." All it does is tell you who's talking; it doesn't take up any extra space and dialogue is one of those things where the reader is usually able to substitute a tone themselves, so they don't need nearly as help from us ;D Of course the occasionnal said-ism adds spice, but too many of them really starts to show, and contradicted is such an odd one that it stands right out to me.

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

The loud ringing of a cellphone came from the girl in bed, "Shh! Quiet!" she hushed the couple arguing over her. The two instantly became quiet as the girl spoke, "Hello, hunny? How are you?" covering the receiver with the palm of her hand she said, "It's my husband, shhh!

Pft I could picture this perfectly. This particular part of the scene played out awesome. A question: Is the girl naked? That's what I pictured. If so where's she hiding a cellphone? ;D Honey is spelled...well, like that. It should be "as the girl spoke." Why? "Speak" is a different kind of verb from "Say" (somehow. My amateur linguistics terms are suddenly failing me D: ) You wouldn't say "'Help me,' the girl spoke," right?

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"No hunny, I'm at work.... I'm not with some guy.... What do you mean you don't believe me?.... We're having this big uhhh transaction, it's going to take a long time to finish... I have the boss right here beside me!... And the accountant too!... What's her name?" covering the receiver once again she asked, "What's your name?"

On ellipses! I was about to tell you "THREE DOTS EACH" and then I was like "wait, no, it's four if it's at the end of a sentence." I would place these a little differently. Third ellipsis should be three, because I think it should attach to the start of "we're--" the ? ends the sentence, so it looks hella weird to just tack the ellipsis on there, amirite ;D Same with all the ! and ?'s. Covering the receiver once again, she asked.

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"Samantha Earle."

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

"Her name's Samantha Earl... What? You want to talk to her?... You don't trust me?... Fine, here you go." She extended her hand and desperately offered her cellphone.

I'd use some different words than "desperately offered," if only for the sake of show-don't-tell. How about "thrust the cellphone towards Samantha" or...something? I dunno, sounds more active. But if you don't like that, I probably wouldn't even have noticed if I hadn't been specifically looking for errors.

Originally Posted by Kmcmc

Accepting the small device, Samantha spoke to the man on the other line. "This is Samantha Earle... Yes, I'm the accountant... I'm afraid we have a LOT of work to do still... I'll dismiss your wife as soon as we're done... Thank you, bye." Hanging up, the older woman sat herself down on the bed, looked up at her husband and sighed.

Since we know a cell is a small device, I'd replace it with "phone" or "cell" for the sake of simplicity and easier reading. I'd also seperate this paragraph into two when the dialogue ends, to really give the ending that bang, you know? The last sentence could probably be bang-i-fied, too, although I'd hesitate to tell you how. Generally, short sentences, less -ing and less words makes for more bang.

Okay yeah see look at how much I talk

Originally Posted by Meguzu

Yay! Just warning you, I talk a lot 8D



Her tongue twisted. I'd strike "itself," cause it's not really doing anything in the sentence, unless you would assume without it that somebody else was twisting her tongue ;D Comma between twisted and making; any time you have a clause that begins with onna those -ing in the past tense verbs (they probably have a high school English name I forget B| ) there should be a comma seperating it. "Jane cried, clutching her blanket." "Bob smiled, tearing the contract to shreds."



"No one." He paused. "Nothing! I promise!" "Paused" isn't a word you'd exactly use to describe somebody speaking, right? ;D Words like that, "snapped" and "muttered" and "moaned," all get commas. "Paused" and anything else between or after a dialogue doesn't.



Finding the courage to to raise the covers, her worst fears

Remember the rule on -ing verbs P: You seem to have a thing for specifying reflexive when you really don't need to. Leave out all "[blank] [verbed] [blank]self" unless the verb construct needs it to make sense. All it does is add extra words ;D



I'd just say "the man said." The thing is, "said" is invisible, so we don't go "WHOA THAT PERSON IS LOOKING FOR A WORD TO REPLACE SAID." All it does is tell you who's talking; it doesn't take up any extra space and dialogue is one of those things where the reader is usually able to substitute a tone themselves, so they don't need nearly as help from us ;D Of course the occasionnal said-ism adds spice, but too many of them really starts to show, and contradicted is such an odd one that it stands right out to me.



Pft I could picture this perfectly. This particular part of the scene played out awesome. A question: Is the girl naked? That's what I pictured. If so where's she hiding a cellphone? ;D Honey is spelled...well, like that. It should be "as the girl spoke." Why? "Speak" is a different kind of verb from "Say" (somehow. My amateur linguistics terms are suddenly failing me D: ) You wouldn't say "'Help me,' the girl spoke," right?



On ellipses! I was about to tell you "THREE DOTS EACH" and then I was like "wait, no, it's four if it's at the end of a sentence." I would place these a little differently. Third ellipsis should be three, because I think it should attach to the start of "we're--" the ? ends the sentence, so it looks hella weird to just tack the ellipsis on there, amirite ;D Same with all the ! and ?'s. Covering the receiver once again, she asked.





I'd use some different words than "desperately offered," if only for the sake of show-don't-tell. How about "thrust the cellphone towards Samantha" or...something? I dunno, sounds more active. But if you don't like that, I probably wouldn't even have noticed if I hadn't been specifically looking for errors.



Since we know a cell is a small device, I'd replace it with "phone" or "cell" for the sake of simplicity and easier reading. I'd also seperate this paragraph into two when the dialogue ends, to really give the ending that bang, you know? The last sentence could probably be bang-i-fied, too, although I'd hesitate to tell you how. Generally, short sentences, less -ing and less words makes for more bang.

Okay yeah see look at how much I talk

Other than the last 2 messages your first ones are unreasonable. If you Google punctuating dialog - rules you will see what I'm talking about. When a tag line interrupts a sentence, it should be set off by commas. Note that the first letter of the second half of the sentence is in lower case. The to - to statement was an error I overlooked, thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'll be sure to fix the conversation errors when they're talking on the cellphone. Finally, I guess I saw her thrusting the phone because on the previous one she 'desperately pleaded her'. Using desperately would be too repetitive and take away from the flow of the story.

I appreciate your taking your time to review this piece.