I haven't come up with a title for this story yet, well actually I have, but they don't seem to fit right...

Any advice, or critiquing, on how to make this better is welcome, 'cause I know it's not the best.

Well anyways, here's the prologue:
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Vibrant rays of sunlight flurried through the old city of Allegron. Merchants were hollering about their daily products, each one trying to out do the other. Men stood by, amused by the free entertainment. Some went to the merchant with the best deal, buying their daily necessities. Horse drawn carriages trotted down the cobblestone paths, the sounds of their hooves creating a rhythmic tune. Women stood off by the wells, gathering the water for the day, and chatting about the latest gossip. They swapped stitching tips and cooking advice, while watching their daughters play with each other not far off. The more bubbly of the girls would watch the boys closer to the town, working with their fathers, or showing off how strong one could be.

Crops in Allegron were plentiful, there were many farms to keep the food supply up. Families tended to them everyday to make sure they grew. Food was often haggled for, so money wasn’t a problem.

Life in this town seemed perfect, away from the rest of society of Britain. Allegron had their own King and Queen, Leon and Michelle. The two had served many years, keeping the peace between the townspeople. They even had their own child, a young boy named Alvar. He never left the palace much, so young Alvar didn’t know much about the world. This didn’t make him ignorant however. Unlike the other children of Allegron, Alvar had very strict tutor, so constantly he was buried in books. Sometimes he would look out his bedroom window and look at the village, wishing he could join the other boys in games. Whenever he did, his tutor told him to go back to studying.

“Why can’t I go down to the village?” Alvar would ask his parents. His father would always sigh, and his mother would go to his side.

“Alvar, you are the prince, so you must spend all of your time preparing for when you are to take the crown,” would always be his mother’s reply. Every time Alvar would sigh in defeat, nod his head, and return to his studies.

Even with his often denial of being able to see the town, one night changed all of that.



“Ms. Jacobson?” A woman in her middle ages turned her head over to a pile of books. The spines were all worn out, and looked like they were to break the next time they open. The woman, Ms. Jacobson, walked over to where the books were, and peaked her head over the side.

Behind the books were a bottle of ink, a feather quill, scrolls of paper, and the blond-haired prince of Allegron. The prince looked up at the lady with big, curious, blue eyes. His mouth was open slightly, about to ask another question, but he waited for Ms. Jacobson to acknowledge him.

“Yes Prince Alvar?” A thick British accent coated her voice, and her tone was stiff, almost annoyed by the prince interrupting his studies. Alvar cast his eyes downward to avoid the gaze of his tutor, and he played with the buttons on his coat. For a few moments he stayed silent, except for a few murmuring noises coming from the edge of his mouth.

“What is it?” Ms. Jacobson asked again, the annoyance heavily laved her words. In fear Alvar looked up, his blond bags falling over his eyes.

“U-um… I was just wondering when study session was over,” his voice was small and quiet. This was the third time he had asked the question, and he knew what the answer was. It was the same every time he asked it.

“Soon,” was what his tutor said. Every time Alvar would groan, slump back in his chair, get his wrist hit with a ruler for not using correct posture, fix it, and go back to work. No one could blame Alvar for being impatient, for a kid, soon could be an eternity. It could be hours, or even days, when really it was ten to fifteen minutes.

Ms. Jacobson retreated back to her desk across the other side of the room. Alvar leaned his head in his hand and flipped the page of his text book, writing down occasional notes here and there.

The sound of the clock ticked in the background. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. As each second passed they seemed to stretch longer. Little scratches were heard as the prince dragged his quill across the scroll. As each stroke was made the noise seemed to grow louder.

Can’t this study session be over with by now? Alvar thought to himself, his fingers started to drum across the table. He was never the patient child, it was the same at each study session. If he was going to be locked in a room for the afternoon, he must at least have some kind of noise that isn’t the clock.

“Prince Alvar,” the irritating noise of Ms. Jacobson’s voice rang through the cluttered library where the two sat in. In a response Alvar looked up from his studies and said, “Yes Ms. Jacobson?”

“Study session is over, you may leave,” after hearing those words the blond prince jolted up. Clumsily he gathered his scrolls and books together, spilling the contents in his ink bottle over the table in the process.

“Freedom!” Is the only word that came out of his mouth as he rushed towards the door that lead to the hallway. He ran out so fast that the carpet could have been lit on fire from the friction between his feet and the floor.

“Manners Prince Alvar!” Were the words that could be heard behind Alvar, but he didn’t care. His study session was over! Now he could do what he pleased, as long as it was in the palace grounds.


Alvar walked down the hallways, which, for once, were pretty vacant. None of the servants were running around doing their job. Tapestry woven in exotic designs decorated the blindingly white walls. Some had the family crest on them, others had animals, and some had just designs consisting of swirls. They were mesmerizing to look at, which was how Alvar usually spent his free time.

This time was different. When Alvar walked down the hallways, there was no sound, nothing. It was silent. If a pin where to drop, someone a mile away could hear it. It was driving Alvar crazy. He couldn’t put up with it for long, since his last five hours were spent in the library, looking at nothing but books on how to rule a kingdom. Which was the weird part, Allegron was just a town, far away from Britain’s rule. But as long as it was something to rule over, it had to be studied for.

Where is everyone? Why is it so quiet? Alvar bit his lip and looked behind every nook and cranny in the hallway. Behind every suit of armor, and animal statue that bordered the walls. Surely someone should’ve heard Alvar shouting when he ran out of the library? Maybe they’re just working in another wing. He reassured himself. The sight of an empty hallway could be a sign of something wrong to any little kid, especially if the hallways are normally busy. Especially since that night there was to be a festival.

“Hello? Anyone?” The prince called out at the top of his lungs, only for his voice to echo through the unoccupied hallway. When the echoes died down he waited. For what seemed like hours he waited, just standing there. No one came, which meant something was wrong. Whenever the prince would scream, someone would come running to his aid. But this time, there was nobody. Just the cold air around him.

It took a few minutes for Alvar to realize that no one was coming. Then he broke out into a run. His legs felt like jelly, he was sitting down for five hours. After running for a few steps he fell to the ground, tripping over his own feet.

“Where is everyone?” Alvar sniffled, his voice catching in this throat. A sudden thought ran through his head. This was his chance! With everyone gone he could finally go down to the town, there was no one to stop him. Bursting with excitement the quirky prince pushed himself off the ground and ran off once again to the main gate. His legs were finally starting to get blood pumping through them, and there was no one to stop his plan.

The entrance was coming closer as the hallways flashed before his eyes. Doors that reached to the ceiling, finely crafted from the finest wood found. The family crest engraved on each door, along with the same swirl designs found on the tapestry. It looked like a giant maze. Even though Alvar had already seen it many times, it was amazing to look at.

Taking a deep breath he stepped forward, “This is it.” His hand slowly reached towards the handle, his face reflecting in the metal. Blue eyes looked back at him, anxious and wanting. A lump was forming in his throat, but he swallowed it down. It was no or never. Small fingers wrapped themselves around the handle, slowly pushing it down. A satisfying click was heard, and his eyes lit up.

The doors slowly opened, and a burst of the night air whispered against his face, welcoming him to the outside world. Alvar stepped forward, letting go of the palace behind him. He looked all around him, the scenery was breath taking.

Bushes were trimmed to a T with precision and delicacy, no sticks or twigs sticking out of their sides. Grass was a luscious jade, it looked like the softest bed to lay on. At the far end of the area were two long hedges, each stopping to meet a gate covered in roses and vines. Around the border of the palace grounds where pine trees standing as tall as giants. The scent carried around the whole area. Alvar inhaled it heavily, ending up to choke from the strong scent.

Beyond the gates was the town. The grounds were paved in cobblestone, and wooden buildings lined every corner. At a first glance there seemed to be lights on in every window. At least there are people there. Alvar smiled to himself. A sudden sensation to go explore the town made him walk forward. Past the bushes, grass, trees, and gates, he ventured forward.

The closer young Alvar made it to the town, the more he saw the reality of it. It wasn’t light in the windows, it was fire. People were running around everywhere, and others were chasing them. The runners had panic written all over their faces; their eyes bugged out, their mouths open and screaming, their bodies shaking with each step. The chasers were unlike any being he had seen before; bodies a sickly white, some purple, their clothes torn and ragged, their eyes consisted of colors, red and orange, each of their mouths were wide open, their canine teeth longer than normal, and were sharp, like daggers. Screams came out of their mouths. Alvar couldn’t make out the words. All he head was, “Must…have it…blood...precious” At the word blood he cringed. Where they trying to kill the citizens? The answer Alvar didn’t know.

“What’s going on? What’s happening?!” His head whipped left and right, his perfectly blond hair getting smeared with the smoke in the air.

“Hey kid.. You look delicious tonight..” A husky voice said in Alvar’s ear, who turned around, seeing one of the rabid blood thirsty towns people. Except this one seemed more in control, but that meant he was more experienced with what they were doing. Panic rushed through Alvar’s veins. His brain told him to go, his legs wouldn’t obey him. He had to get out of the town, fast.

“W-what do you mean?” Was all he could spit out. The man just smiled, and opened his mouth revealing those sharp daggers. Breathing picked up, heart ran like one-hundred race horses. What was going to happen to him?

The answer was soon found out.

Pain quickly darted through Alvar’s veins, and up to his brain. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the man sinking his teeth further and further into his neck. He felt a stinging liquid enter through his skin, and move up his neck and into his brain. The sharp daggers could no longer be felt in his neck, instead all of the pain was in his head. Clamping his head in his hands, Alvar doubled over, curling up in the fetal position.

Inside of his mouth he felt his canine’s grow out, reforming and sharpening, like the teeth that man had. Deep inside of his chest he felt his heart give out, the beat slowing fading. Am I dying? Was all Alvar could think. Moments passed, and his heart stopped, but he could still feel himself breathing, he was still alive.

When Alvar thought the worse was over, he slowly rose to his feet. His body seemed to be ten times heavier. Looking over himself Alvar found his skin to be as pale as the others’. I became one of them? He asked himself, but was interrupted by a sudden desire. A need that he needed to fill, a need that was biting the back of his head, spine, and every other inch of his body. A need for blood, human blood, innocent blood. As if on instinct, Alvar opened his mouth, taking in the scent of humans nearby. He went to go and hunt, but a sudden noise of a blood curdling screech filled the area.

Not too far away Alvar saw one of his kind on the ground, a wooden steak shaped like a cross was driven through his heart. The sight made him want to dispose his stomach fluids, but he held it in. Screams and warnings of, “Get out!” “Run while you can!” Filled the air.

Taking heed of this warning, Alvar started to run. He seemed to be light on his feet, since he ran faster than before. The chaotic town was starting to disintegrate behind him, he was leaving his old live behind. Away from the murderers that were killing off his kind. What is this world coming to? Was all he could think as he ran far away, to someplace safe.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… the old city of Allegron.

Out of curiosity, how do you pronounce ‘Allegron’?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… working with their fathers, or showing off how strong one could be.

I’d drop the comma. And is there any particular reason you chose to use ‘one’ over ‘they’? If not, I’d use ‘they’ instead of ‘one’.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Crops in Allegron were plentiful, there were many farms…

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Families tended to them everyday to make sure they grew.

While it’s not wrong, I think you can drop ‘to make sure they grew’. I feel like that’s kind of implied by the first part of the sentence.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Allegron had their own King and Queen, Leon and Michelle.

Since you’re stating ‘king and queen’ as a title rather than ‘King Leon’ and ‘Queen Michelle’, you don’t need to capitalize ‘king and queen’.
Also, if they have their own king and queen, I don’t think you need to refer to it as ‘away from the rest of society of Britain’. If it’s its own kingdom, then it really probably doesn’t have much to do with Britain anyway.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

They even had their own child, a young boy named Alvar.

I’d say ‘a child’ rather than ‘their own’, as that makes it sound a bit like they should be taking care of someone else’s child.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

He never left the palace much…

I’d use “didn’t” instead of “never”. ‘Never’ is an absolute, so by using that with ‘much’, it doesn’t work well.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

This didn’t make him ignorant however.

I’d put a comma after ‘ignorant’.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Even with his often denial of being able to see the town, one night changed all of that.

I understand what you’re trying to get across, but the sentence structure seems a little confusing. I suggest simplifying the sentence.
“The town was often denied to him. One night changed that.”

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… and looked like they were to break the next time they open.

‘… the next time they were opened.’ You just forgot a word.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… his blond bags falling over his eyes.

‘bangs’ instead of ‘bags’, yeah?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

He was never the patient child, it was the same at each study session.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

In a response Alvar looked up from his studies and said, “Yes Ms. Jacobson?”

Since this is a different person talking, I’d drop it into a new paragraph.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… as he rushed towards the door that lead to the hallway.

‘led’ instead of ‘lead’.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

He ran out so fast that the carpet could have been lit on fire from the friction between his feet and the floor.

I know this is a colorful metaphor, but it to create friction like that he’d have to be shuffling. So I got the image he was shuffling along the floor, which, unless he has some leg issues, kind of contradicts the image you were trying to get across.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… and some had just designs consisting of swirls.

I think you can drop ‘just’ and have the sentence flow better.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

It was silent.

While I liked the description of the hallway, you didn’t spend any time telling how loud it usually was. (Save for the single line about the servants.) To really help the reader understand how odd the silence is, you have to tell us about how loud it usually is.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

If a pin where to drop, someone a mile away could hear it.

This isn’t an error, but I have a suggestion anyway. Since this is taking place in some form of Europe, I suggest using kilometres, metres and so on and so forth. Just for the immersion of it.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… books on how to rule a kingdom.

You might want to be more specific if you’re going to talk about it. Sure, he’d be reading things like The Prince (or whatever the cultural/political equivalent would be), but he’d also be reading all about economy, foreign policy, military strategies and histories, and so on and so forth.
Obviously you wouldn’t need to put all of this in (as it would just be really needless), but if you’re going to talk about it, being specific will make it sound more real. =]

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Which was the weird part…

I’d say, rather, that Alvar found this weird instead of having the author state it. It would give us more insight to Alvar as a character.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

But this time, there was nobody.

Why doesn’t he go back to the library? I mean, sure, it’s quiet, but at least the tutor was there. If he’s that frightened of being alone, why not check for Ms. Jacobson?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

His legs felt like jelly, he was sitting down for five hours.

But he just came running out of the library, didn’t he? And if he’s panicked his legs would have certainly begun to circulate blood already. Any particular reason he didn’t?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

With everyone gone he could finally go down to the town, there was no one to stop him.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

It was no or never.

‘now’. Just a little typo.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

The doors slowly opened, and a burst of the night air …

I think you could drop the comma.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Grass was a luscious jade, it looked like the softest bed to lay on.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… ending up to choke from the strong scent.

I’d alter the sentence structure to something more along the lines of ‘… choking on it.’ You just stated that it was scent, so you don’t need to do it in the next sentence.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

The chasers were unlike any being he had seen before; bodies a sickly white, some purple, their clothes torn and ragged, their eyes consisted of colors, red and orange, each of their mouths were wide open, their canine teeth longer than normal, and were sharp, like daggers.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

All he head was…

‘heard’

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

The answer Alvar didn’t know.

I think you can drop this sentence. If you don’t give us an answer, we can assume Alvar doesn’t know.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… his perfectly blond hair getting smeared with the smoke in the air.

I don’t think you meant ‘smeared’. That makes me think his blond hair isn’t natural and the color is getting smudged out. Maybe covered? I’m not really sure what smoke would do to hair except make it smell awful.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

“Hey kid.. You look delicious tonight..”

Did you mean to have ellipses (three periods) or is there just one too many periods?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Except this one seemed more in control, but that meant he was more experienced with what they were doing.

Since this appears to be third-person limited, I’d cut this sentence. How would Alvar know that?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Breathing picked up, heart ran like one-hundred race horses.

Whose? Alvar’s or the man’s?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Clamping his head in his hands, Alvar doubled over, curling up in the fetal position.

You might consider giving us a line where the man let’s go of Alvar’s neck. If the man didn’t, Alvar would have a sever tear in his throat when he fell down. I’m really hoping that didn’t happen to poor Alvar.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Moments passed, and his heart stopped, but he could still feel himself breathing, he was still alive.

If his heart has stopped beating, what’s making him breath? If he’s going to be undead, I figure you should just have everything stop working. Unless this is a major plot point later on.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Looking over himself Alvar found his skin to be as pale as the others’.

I’d put a comma after ‘himself’.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

I became one of them?

Now, maybe it’s just me, but if I had just gotten half-devoured and felt horrible, my first thoughts would be towards getting out of there instead of wondering what had become of me.
Maybe it’s just me?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

A need that he needed to fill…

I understand you’re going for repetition here, which I think is a good idea, but I’d change the word ‘needed’. By repeating ‘A need’ the feeling of urgency works well, but since ‘needed’ is so close to the word ‘need’ it just doesn’t… flow.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

… a wooden steak shaped like a cross was driven through his heart.

‘stake’ instead of ‘steak’.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

The sight made him want to dispose his stomach fluids, but he held it in.

I know you’re trying to get across his feeling without being vulgar about it, but this sounds a little… silly to me. Why not just, “… made him want to be sick”?

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

The chaotic town was starting to disintegrate behind him, he was leaving his old live behind.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Micky-kun

Away from the murderers that were killing off his kind.

I felt like this happened really fast. I understand that the change happens quickly and that it changes a person physically and mentally, but this was so fast that I felt it missed a lot. A lot of the drama and suspense that comes from transformations in characters (both physically and mentally) is that we watch the character struggle with it. We feel for the character and the situation he’s in because the author takes the time to show the reader just how much this is affecting the character instead of just, “Oh he’s normal. And now he’s not. BAM.”

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I felt like this moved really fast for all the information and scene changes you put in. To really give the effect of time you’re trying to get across, I think you should elaborate on scenes. Maybe talk about what he’s actually studying? Maybe elaborate more on the labyrinthine halls? Maybe elaborate on the attack itself, both on the humans and then on the vampires-things?

You also mention how young the prince is multiple times. While I don’t think you need to give us an exact age, I think you should explore more of his thought processes and actions so that we have more of an idea of how young he is. I really couldn’t even wager a guess, right now. And if his age is important, which I got the feeling it was since you mentioned it more than once, I think you should explore it a bit more.
And if you decide to take my advice about elaborating scenes, you could kill two birds with one stone!

As it’s just the beginning it’s hard to form a good opinion. I think this could be a very interesting read; I just really can’t tell from the beginning. I think it depends on how you’re going to handle a lot of the upcoming plot points. You did have some interesting imagery inside the castle though, which was fun to read. And the way you described Alvar’s appearance, as well as the vampire-things was quite interesting. Overall you just really seem to have a handle on imagery!

Good luck with it!