Hiya Mene.
It's been awhile. The place looks nice. It's kind of weird, browsing through here and I recognize almost none of the names. I guess Inso is doing well.

Today, I'm here to rant and rave until I feel better. I don't really want any advice. It'd make me feel better just to know someone read this, even if it's just a mod coming along to lock it. Good enough for me.

You know how people always say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"?
Well, this problem don't seem very temporary. Six years is best I can estimate, it's hard to tell or remember how I felt way back then, and shit's only gotten worse. Much worse. Hi bipolar disorder, and whatever else is wrong with me, labels are hard at this point, thank you for ruining my life. You've done a great job breaking me down and fucking with everything. I appreciate it. I appreciate how you've made school impossible and sapped all my will to live. It's really nice of you to do that.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I know it, but I don't care. A part of me wonders if it's unjustified and there really is something I could be doing to make it better. Doesn't seem like it, though, not from what I can see.

School is such a nightmare. The funny part is I really do want to go, and I really do enjoy learning. I actually really like chemistry, because I am a nerd. But the school system is not designed for someone who periodically becomes too depressed to do much of anything. I try when I can, but sometimes... it's awful. It's like I'm being crushed and I cannot function. All I can do is lay in bed. For awhile I was able to force myself to do things and at least get up and go to school and do my homework and really do well, but after awhile it wore me down. Now I just... can't. I guess I'm looking for a little justification here. Everyone, everyone is always trying to invalidate how I feel and tell me that I should just try harder and do better and if I just did more everything would be alright. It'd be nice if someone would sympathize, just for a minute, that I really want to try but goddamnit when I feel like that I CAN'T. I just can't. If I have one more mental breakdown in class because I shoved myself out the door and made myself go I... don't even know. But it's not like I actually learn anything in such a state anyway. Someone else has been like this too, right?

Fuck you and your medications and your homeopathic bullshit and your "LULZ JUST EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE." I've been up and down the list and still, it just gets worse. I have completely given up on modern medication. We all know homeopathy is utter bullshit, and forgive me if I'm a little hesitant after I had some "homeopathic no side effects amazing" pills forced on me which threw my mania into overdrive. And sure, exercise is great. It sort of alleviates the symptoms until I remember that I have to do this every single day for another 50-60-70 years. It hardly seems worth the effort when ten minutes later I usually feel even worse. If there are coping skills in the world (that's a favorite at the psych ward, coping skills) I have yet to find one that really, truly helps. Nothing helps, goddamnit. nothing. A distraction only helps until I actually have to get up and do something. I'd rather just go to sleep; you can't think when you're asleep.

So forgive me if I'm a little jaded with modern medicine. Every time I have enough energy to want to do things, I remember that in a week I won't feel that way anymore. I can't control this goddamn thing, it controls me. We never know if I'm spontaneously going to go manic and do something incredibly stupid. One day I'm going to hurt someone or cause serious property damage or something like that. Couldn't fucking care less if I hurt myself, but that's a real probability too.

I was thinking. What do I live for?
I live so my family doesn't have to get hurt. And I hang on for my boyfriend, creepy and clingy as it sounds, that relationship is all I actually care about anymore. School is shot to shit, the only thing I actually ever wanted to do with my life was be a vet and that's a pipe dream anyway. I'm a godawful student, there is NO WAY I'd make it into vet school, much less succeed there. Everything else...? I don't give a flying fuck either way. I just don't care. What do I really enjoy in life? Well, I like music, but that is not a reason to live. It's only music. I could die happily knowing I'd never listen to it again. Or maybe in hell they only play rap all day; man, wouldn't that fucking suck?

Count your blessings. Okay. I have. It's not enough. I can think of only one thing in this world that would be enough, and that's FUNCTIONALITY. If I could just live day to day, and be a normal person, I'd be alright. But we all know there are no cures for mental disorders. Six years and things have only gotten successively worse and worse and worse. Yeah, I've lost hope.

I don't care. I don't care at all. I'm beat down and worn out and tired of having to do this day after day with no payoff. Fuck this. There is, quite honestly, nothing I want to do with my life.

So I've decided I want to live to see my 18th birthday, and to see my boyfriend. That's it. That's all. I want to do those two things. Luckily, he flies in Monday and my birthday is in five days. I guess four now.
That's my agreement with myself. I'll hang on until then.

After that... well, I guess you guys won't be seeing me much. I imagine it'll hurt a few people, mostly my family. They'd be devastated. Possibly the few "friends" I have, but I'm not close enough to any of them that I imagine they'll be seriously damaged. No, I am not underestimating.
I know all this. I've tried to push on for all of this. I can't live for other people anymore. I am past the point of caring about the selfishness of it all; what would anyone else do in this situation? Apparently 15% of the bipolar population agrees with me: fuck it.

If I find something in the next week that encourages me to press on, then good for me. I kind of hope I do.
But I won't.
I never have.

Maybe this serves as my suicide note. I guess I'll print it... just in case.
If you really did read this whole thing, thanks. I appreciate it. I just wanted someone to know how I feel, maybe to even grasp how hard it is. I'm not looking for attention, and I'm definitely not looking for someone to talk me out of this. I just thought someone should know. Even though you don't know me and I don't know you.

Love,
Fabby

_______________


And then there's... well, other things. This is unrelated, but while I'm here ranting I figure I might as well go for broke and get this the fuck off my chest too.
I'd like to preface this by saying I've never been raped and everything WAS consensual, and I don't blame my ex. I know this is my own psychology.
I can't help but almost feel like I was, though, and I'm sorry if I offend any true rape victims with this next bit. I don't mean to understate what you've been through at all and I hope you understand that.

It was with sex, obviously. Before, I was just truly depressed. All the time. My "mental disorders" fluctuate a lot. And as that usually goes, it basically killed my sex drive. My boyfriend (at the time) really wasn't very understanding about it. He tried, of course, but it was always so obvious when he wanted it. At the end he was always making jokes about it, how he never got any, but I know in the back of his mind he was kind of resentful. And it hurt.
For some time I'd just say no, I didn't want to, or if I felt like I could kind of get into it I'd let him at it. And if it was too bad, I'd just tell him to stop. But he always got so mad, and depressed, and it made me feel so GUILTY. He wouldn't talk to me anymore... he'd just roll over and go to sleep. Obviously it was not okay with him. He'd stop, certainly, but grudgingly.
All that guilt piled up, obviously. Eventually it got to the point that I felt like I was no longer allowed to say no. So I'd let him do his thing, and sometimes I was in tears because I wanted him to stop so much, and I can't help but be a little resentful that he DIDN'T. He'd ask if I wanted to stop, but it was pretty much impressed upon me that I couldn't say no. So I'd just tell him to keep going. And that's the one bit I feel he shares at least a tiny portion of the blame for; when it was so obvious I didn't want it, why didn't he just quit? Didn't he care? I know it's really my fault, I could have told him to stop, but... I couldn't, he'd be mad, and he didn't want to.
All those times I hated it, and I wanted him to stop but I couldn't bring myself to say so, they obviously left some scars. The very idea of actually having sex makes me cringe and curl up in a little ball. I guess that's where the comparison comes in... I know it's different, because I had some control. I had the power to stop it.
But I couldn't anymore. I couldn't say no. I couldn't deal with all the guilt that came after saying no.
Maybe this is a stupid thing to feel. I don't know. But it hurt anyway. And it left me scared of being with a man in that way.
I think it'll be better with him. I don't know. This was pointless. I just wanted to say it.

*looks at my name and sits don to read*

----------

I'm curious, where do you get 15% from? Seems awfully high, though I'd say a fair share of teens consider it at least once without any mental disorders.

----------

Finished reading. Fabby, I'm not going go psychologist on you, and I'm not going to intentionally try to give you any advice, and I'm going to avoid passing any judgement here. If you feel the need to say something, vent, or just shout out feel free to do it here. If you just want to know someone took the time to read what you're feeling please don't hesitate to PM me or ping me with any updates, I'm happy to just read.

Bipolar Suicides are Common But Preventable. Learn More . . .
That's where I pulled the statistic from, but admittedly I didn't look very hard. I've seen about 10% used elsewhere. It is terribly high. ;__;

Thank you for having taken the time to read my little piece. I do feel a bit better now. <3

Glad to listen, and WOW that is a really interesting (and extremely morbid) statistic. I know it's often difficult to diagnose, a friend of mine spent months in and out of rehab until around the age of 28 he finally got diagnosed.

Well anyway, my offer still stands :)

Thank you <3 I really do appreciate it.

Yeah, it's often hard to pin down diagnoses of that sort. Fortunately the repertoire of drugs they give you is really the same no matter what disorder you have... xD I am sorry to hear about your friend though, I am quite aware of how much that sucks.

I read all of it.

I think the word you were looking for wasn't raped per say. It was more "used." Being used is a really hard thing to go through and it really sucks (I've been used sexually too and it makes me HATE sex when it happens), I'm just randomly telling you this so you know the word to use to express yourself better. I don't think you're overreacting about that.

And I hope you don't kill yourself. I don't mind just listening, but I thought I'd say that. It would upset my conscience not to at least say that to you.

Thank you <3

Perhaps that fits a little better. I know 'rape' isn't right to describe it, but I was struggling with trying to word it how I wanted to. Obviously. x3

Hello. I understand what you are going through with the mental disorders.....I have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety but have come to the realization that I have bipolar disorder...
It sucks ...
I also find things that I like..but then don't have the energy to do them later...like with writing..and the piano..and it's really depressing when you love to do something and just can't do it anymore...
Living with mental disorders is so hard, and its so hard to find the right treatments..I'm going to go to the doctor soon and talk about a medication change...what I'm on just isnt working....

I wish mental disorders didn't exist...they ruin the lives of so many people.....

I really hope that you start feeling better.......and I agree with The Enchanted Tiara, i hope you don't kill yourself...

and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

Thank you, Angel <3

I really wish they didn't exist too -__- I consider it an epic fail on the part of human biology.
I hope you find some medications that help, I really do.

i hope you'll feel a bit better thought. am not good in making advices and i dont intend to give one either.
i just hope you'll find a reason to live... suicide... its not an option nor a solution. suicide is cowardice.

I read the entire thing *hugs* I know your not looking for advice, but you should know there are a lot of us here on Mene that care about you. *hug* I hope things work out better.

I have bipolar disorder too. I won't get into too much detail but it can be scary. People do not understand it either unless they went through it too. Support groups helped me a lot. If you want you can PM me even if it is just to rant. Hope you feel better hun!

You can PM me also if you want someone to talk to.

I honestly can't give any real input into your problems, since they're well beyond my realm of expertise, but I did want to add my support to the list of people who care about your problems and care about you.

You guys are all so sweet <3 Thank you all.

Goddamnit I have school tomorrow x__x
My mother will KILL me if I don't go but I can't help but think "why bother?"
-__-

Originally Posted by Fabby

Goddamnit I have school tomorrow x__x
My mother will KILL me if I don't go but I can't help but think "why bother?"
-__-

:lol: I honestly can't blame you.

I'm not gonna' pretend to understand any of what you're going through and though you don't know me I did read it; and I wish I could think of the perfect words to say to help you.

i am sorry to read all of this.
and i can't help but try to reach out and talk you out of going through with ending your life.

you have mentioned several times the types of drugs you were put on.
but you never mentioned therapy; did you ever consider finding someone, regardless whether they are professional or not, that you can rely on and trust one hundred percent and talk to about everything?
i myself don't believe in drugging people to oblivion, but talking does sometimes help.
sorry if i sound ignorant, but i've never been exposed to anyone with bipolar so i am only making suggestions.

as for what you said about school, i have been mildly depressed and do know how it feels not to want to do anything but curl up in a ball because of how all consuming this feeling is.

another thing that really pisses me off is that the administration at all high schools really don't give a shit, and do not take into consideration any type of disorders. yet most jobs that offer FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) such as my job, allow people that have been clinically diagnosed with depression call in to work when they have an "episode" without it going against them. and they then do not have to work that day.

why can't they implement such a thing into the school system? because they do not trust teenagers. which is, again, bullshit.

sorry for the rant, but maybe research into FMLA, and see if it does apply to you.


<3 and don't leave us!

I definitely agree with mau5ie, you should see about therapy. I think counseling was the treatment that helped me the most. medications have helped, the trick is finding the right one, but therapy was the most important treatment i went through.

@ Xxbl00dyxangelxX - thanks for agreeing! i think it would be easier to get someone to vent to, that you trust and have on "your side" about things. instead of just people looking into your world and judging you. i think it would release a great burden from you.

Thanks, everyone <3
I do have a therapist, but I really haven't found therapy particularly helpful. It is nice to have someone agree with me, though o_o