Thread Tools

thedarkraven
\ (•◡•) /
2549.05
thedarkraven is offline
 
#1
Old 07-23-2010, 02:03 AM

You say you love me,
I say it back,
You kiss my lips,
I let you go with it,
It feel a hand on my shoulder,
I bounce with glee,
I feel the wall appearing roughly behind me,
I know what's about to happen,
I tighten my gut,
I feel it hit,
Why do you hurt me so?
Something happens,
Something I haven't felt before,
Your hand around my neck,
It tightens,
Your crazy,
You need help,
I feel your hand gently in my hair,
You get what you want from me,
And send me on my way,
I wake up,
I look in the mirror,
I see the bruises,
I feel the pain,
I am worse off then you,
For I keep going back...

[Pokered Face]
ʘ‿ʘ
561.98
[Pokered Face] is offline
 
#2
Old 07-25-2010, 06:46 PM

This poem, is missing something.
And also, it may just be me, but the stanza:

"Your crazy" should be "You're crazy"

And I feel that the stanza after that should be combined with "You're crazy," Usually when you are "crazy" you most often hear people say "You're crazy and you need help." So maybe combine them. I don't think this has to do with the flow of the poem, it might be, but it is bothering me a bit.

Or, you could swap the two in the poem like this.
"You need help, because
You're crazy."

And "crazy" is a bit plain to be. Maybe you should use synonyms like, insane, berserk, deranged, mental or maniacal. If it were a direct quote, it wouldn't bother me so.

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts