So, my estranged Husband recently proposed the idea of moving back in together.
Here is a little back story as to why we do not live together currently:
*Found out he was cheating, left him.
*Tried working out those issues, but he became addicted to online gaming.

I've become very comfortable living on my own with our children. I've become my own person again, and realized the manipulation he was using on me. I like myself now, and love having my own privacy.

However, I am a full time Mom and do not get much time to myself. Getting time to myself is a hassle and often involves sacrificing an arm and a leg. Its also very pricey, and having his income added to mine would make things much easier for everyone involved.

We are now comfortable friends, he has expressed that he still loves me and whatnot, and for the most part, I love him as well. I however don't think it would ever be a happy and fulfilling relationship for myself, since its just part of his person to lack qualities that I need in our relationship. When I'm with him I feel like its just a distraction, and that it will never be what I want it to be, no matter how hard I try.

I want him to be around our children though, because they absolutely need their Father in their lives.

What be your thoughts?

There's nothing stopping him from being a good father to your children while not being in a relationship with you, is there?

If not, then I would suggest discussing your thoughts on the matter and why you're happy with your current situation. See where things go from there.

Auscipious Beginnings ~~ i love your username, especially after reading your thread post.
if you are happy alone, albeit with no time for yourself, would you be giving up your happiness to have your estranged husband come stay at home again?
if it is just for the convenience of a babysitter or added income then it seems you would be giving up your happiness to me.
but i am not walking in your shoes.
being a full time mother and working full time too must be a lot to handle.
just make sure you don't let him come back home at your expense.
help is a good thing but your happiness will matter to the children too by how you react with them.
if you still resent your estranged husband for cheating on you *kicks him in the butt*,
or if he is still online gambling and is addicted to doing so then how much will his income really help?
what do you want to do?
for yourself and not thinking of anything else.
will his coming home make you happy?
oh, i meant to ask how long have y'all been seperated?
good luck with everything.
i hope things work out for your best interests.
because he can still be a good father and add to the income and take care of his children even if he does not live at home.

We've been married for 5 years, together for 6 and living apart for a year and half.
I am actually very happy to be able to enjoy who I am as a person, he has the tenancy to make me feel like I'm less than I am.
Its just hard, because every day our kids ask me where he is. He currently lives 500 miles away, so he doesn't visit as often as they need.
Yesterday my daughter asked me why Daddy wasn't here, and it was very difficult to explain.
I know its killing him to not be near them - although, he was the one who moved away, not us-, I can hear it in his voice every time he calls us. Whenever he visits, he gets depressed towards the last day of his visit because he knows he's going to have to leave in the morning before the kids wake up so that they don't get upset.

Honestly, I don't know how well I would do living with him, because I do love him. I probably always will. I just hate that I became someone so unlike myself, and was so miserable for so many years.
Its hard to let go a lot of things that happened in the past even though he's apologized and admitted that none of it was my fault. Because of the negative feelings that I harbor in light of the times that he cheated on me and abandoned my daughter and myself while I was pregnant with our son, I don't feel like I could ever give him a fair chance on making things better completely.
I know that I do everything possible to provide everything that my kids need, its very hard, and I'm pretty exhausted, but its something that needs to be done because they deserve the best.
The one thing I can't do is be their Dad. Which is where most of the issues are rising from.
My kids are starting to get mad that he's not here, and my daughter will scream stuff like : "I want my Daddy" or "I want to be with Daddy". It really breaks my heart.

i feel for you because you are not the one who caused any of this and yet you probably will be the one to pay, again, with your children.
they will take it out on you and you become the 'bad guy' which is not fair at all.
but then life isn't fair and if it was he would be the one getting yelled at by his children.
five hundred miles away is a long way away.
could he try to move closer so he could be in their lives more maybe?
does he help with the money part of raising the children at least regularly?
i hope you can find what will make you happy as well as the children.
what do you want to do?

I know what you're going through. When my ex-husband and I first split our daughter said to me "I miss my daddy."
At the time, I wasn't speaking to him. He pretty much made 6 months of my life HELL by basically stalking me and never leaving me alone. I couldn't stand the sight of him. But my daughter's words broke my heart so I sucked it up and started speaking to him again. However, I would never, ever consider him a friend.

If you're happier without living with him then don't put yourself in a situation where you'll be unhappy. It's not healthy for you or your children. And frankly, if he lives 500 miles away maybe he needs to move closer. Suggest that to him. Say you don't want to live together but you think him being closer to your kids is prudent for all parties.

I don't know his situation or if it's possible but you might consider swapping the kids.
They could go stay with him at his house for a few weeks and then come back to you.
That way they get daddy time and you get some time to yourself.

Frankly, if he cheated on you it's not worth it. My ex-husband had several affairs and he's done a lot of things to prove he hasn't changed a bit in that department since the divorce.

Also, if you're struggling financially you should ask for child support. I didn't because I didn't want that fight but I also have a lot of support from other family members.

If you need time to yourself, why not look for a teenager to help with babysitting? Generally speaking, they don't charge as much as a daycare would. I know it's harder to leave your kids with a stranger but you could always have him/her come by and interview with the kids and you so that you're comfortable.

I agree with Vix. He can still be a father to your kids and not be with you. That's how it works with me and my ex.

I forgot what else I was going to say. :P

Anyone who makes you feel so unlike yourself cannot be good for you -- and though he may be a good father, do you want your kids to remember you as always being unhappy? Even if you think you hide it well, kids have a sixth sense about things sometimes. They may not understand why he isn't around now, but when they are older they will have much more preferred to have had a *happy* mom than a set of parents at least one of whom is miserable. They will also understand that *he* was the one who moved away and left them without a father.

Think about it this way: you said you like yourself now, which leads me to believe that you didn't like yourself when you were with him. Would you want someone you don't like (aka, you as you are when you're with him) raising your children?

I agree with Kika about the 6th sense that kids have! When I was younger I could tell something was wrong with my parents even though they did everything they could to hide it. I couldn't explain that feeling...had no evidence to go off of...but I ended up asking my mom if they were getting a divorce. 3 months later they sat us down and officially announced the divorce. I completely saw it come. Then a few years later...I asked my mom if she was getting married to the man she had been seeing for a while now...and sure enough...a couple weeks later they officially announced it.

The funny thing is...I'm adopted and have no blood connection to my mom or dad or my stepdad. But I was that intune with my parents. If I could be that intune with my adoptive parents and my stepdad...then I can't imagine how it would be for your kids.

Kids know when their parents are happy. And while it may make them happy that daddy has come back home...they will be able to sense that you and probably he are not happy living together.

In addition...it's not going to allow either one of you to move on. Can you imagine trying to date someone else while your ex lives at home with you? That may not be something you plan to do for a while...but things happen and you can't control it sometiems and you or he might want to start dating other people. That is extremely hard to explain to your date.

Yeah, I understand a lot of what all of you are saying.
I think the main reason he's wanting to move in together, is because if he moves from where he is - sharing an apartment with his sister-, he's going to have the extra cost of having to pay for a place without a roommate.
He does pay child support, and more often than not will pay me more than what is required. He also buys the kids stuff and ships it to me without getting an attitude about it, which I am eternally grateful for.
I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of him moving in as just a roommate/ parent sort of thing.
I'd love to be his friend, but I get this nagging feeling that it wont work out that way. I've always been civil with him -however-.
I want him to be close enough to the kids where he can see them whenever he wants.
We'll have to have a huge talk about privacy.

I'm not worried about the dating thing, because I have absolutely no desire to date anyone. As far as I see it, I just got out of a relationship, and finally have freedom again, I honestly don't need another person coming into my life, challenging how I raise my children, and snooping through my personal space.

Even so, 'moving in' signified a long-term arrangement, and in a couple years you may be at a point where you want to be open to dating someone again. That said, even though you don't think it is an issue now, I'd consider at least bringing it up during that talk about privacy that you mentioned. Remember that it goes both ways -- even if you don't want to date, HE may want to, and you don't want to be taken by surprise by that sort of thing.

I have to applaud you for being brave enough to even consider this. When I tried to leave my boyfriend I *knew* I couldn't live nearby, because I'm not good at saying 'no' to someone I still have feelings for. We ended up working things out, but when I left, I LEFT -- two states away and wouldn't even consider coming back for over a year! I can't imagine having been in a relationship that long (we've been together as long as you and your hubby) and then living with them without being 'with' them. It will be a huge temptation to fall back into old habits... if you're determined to do it, though, my biggest suggestion would be to have a friend or two nearby who you can tell EVERYTHING and who aren't afraid to be honest with you in return. You need someone willing to point it out to you if you start being like you were before when you were so unhappy; it's often much easier for someone to see that from the outside looking in!

I think that your crazy if you think your seriously thinking that you should get back together with him after he cheated on you. You need to set up time for your kids to see him, then find a new man after recooperating from love lost. If he really loved you, he'd break up with you instead of being with another woman.

i think you are an amazing person, Auspitious Beginnings.
you are clearly a kind-hearted person.
your children are your main concern and they do need their father closer to them.
i hope you do decide to follow your heart and listen to all your thought, especially the nagging ones.
because those feelings are usually the ones we overlook and they bite us in the butt!
good luck, sweetie, in whatever you decide.

If he was interested in getting back together with you... I would probably not allow him to move in. By allowing him to move back in, you would be planting a seed in his head that says "You can change her mind about being with you"

Good luck! I know how tough it is to be a single parent...

GL