This is more of a vent then anything. A lot of you don't know me. I am a blunt person, I have just grown up that way over the time. Hopefully some people find comfort that they are not alone in life with not having that perfect life.

Let's see where to start. I was born to a mother and father. My mother gave birth to me almost 26 years ago. About a year after they separated due to my biological father's drinking problem and his family. Ever since then I was always told nasty things about him and his family. I was required to have a surgery and my grandmother (Fathers mother) wanted to pretty much put my life on the line over some little feud shit. She would not give money unless she got something out of the feud. Pretty much being a fucking cunt.

Life was all dandy until the age of 7. My bio-logical mother went from guy to guy trying to find love again. In and out of abusive relationships. At the age of 7 she met this guy named Wayne. We moved to another city away from the rest of the family. Moved in with some "friends" of theirs. From January to February of that year I lived in a little room with my biological mother and her newfound boyfriend Wayne.

In march of that year we moved to Texas. April we moved to Louisana. May we moved to Alabama. Late may to Tennessee. June to Kentucky. We moved around camp grounds and they practiced their religious views. All the children under the age of 13 stayed in one tent. In this time frame of moving around from camp-ground to camp ground I saw, shit no 7 year old should have ever seen. I watched as people leaned onto the hitch of a trailor and got their ass beat with a wooden paddle. This paddle was about 2 inches thick and 9 inches long, 7 inches wide riddled with holes. Twice I was that person leaning on the hitch. As part of this religion, at the age of 13 girls became women and must marry. I attended 3 "weddings" where my friends were married to much older men. One, Rachel, who was the daughter of the religions leader, was ordered to be the concubine for Wayne. The nights where Wayne, Roger, whoever else didnt get their fix would come into tents and sexually abuse the other kids.

In July of that year, my grandparents paid for me to visit them. My aunt, who now lives in the Netherlands, was my receiver at the airport and I will tell you, I have never been so happy as I was that day to see her. She was always the one who watched me as a kid. Took me to the park and pretty much was my best friend growing up even though she was 13 years older then me. Well, we get and see the family. My uncle saw I had a couple ticks so he and his wife took me up to the doctor to get them removed. In the process at the doctors they had to do a full body check up and found I had marks all over my body. Which then lead into what it became over the next 7 years.

Wayne went to jail for abusing children. Roger and his wife had their children taken away from them. My biological mother lost all rights as a parent by the state and I was put into the custody of my grandparents, who later adopted me. I resumed life through the remainder of school. We never talked of it again, at least to me or when I was present. I never wanted to know anything found. I just wanted to suppress and forget.

Going up through middle school I got into smoking pot, eating mushrooms, poppin pills. I was empty and void. Tried killing myself a few times to only not end up doing it. Still to this day, I dont know why I didnt. I didn't know what to think about anything. I trusted no one. Hated everyone. Started up in Debate class and a Youth class to support sobriety and drug free lives. Ended up with people whom to this day I still call and check up on. I ended up moving to my Aunts (now sister) in The Netherlands. Started doing some soul searching as much as a growing and learning boy could. Attended school and all that fun shit.

Upon moving back to the states I got told they couldnt transfer any of my transcripts from my year at Rotterdam so, I dropped out. Got a job. Got my GED, got back into pot a bit due to the empty void I still felt. Out of nowhere I decided, Fuck it and fuck this. I am joining the army.

Once I joined the army, fuck me I hated life. Basic training was horrible. AIT was horrible. I got to my first unit in fort lewis and immediately felt a friendship. Through my years I have never felt that trust I could in some of them. 7 months later we deployed to Kuwait, then eventually onto Iraq. While still in Kuwait I felt as though something was wrong. I couldnt shake the feeling shit was not right. Two months go by and I learned to live with it. Always hanging out after work with friends. Going to the gym with a few. Time goes by and we keep dodging the mortars coming into the base and blowing up the poor Taco Bell stand (and the workers who were in there twice). Then, it happened. The feeling I had been able to not get over but live with finally happened. We lost a helicopter one night, 10 passengers died in this crash. The 4 crew members, my family and friends, all died that night. Until that point in my life I never understood those feelings in my life I had felt and it was a massive wave of emotion that came onto me. For the first time in years, I felt something in my void. I was numb for days from everything going on and finally, I broke down. I felt human finally at the age of 19, I felt human.

Time goes on, we still have another 12 months of being there. Work moved on, as it had to. My roommate and I became best friends. The people I worked with, we became family. The people we worked for, we also became family. Doing shit that would generally get people fired from their job, we did it. We landed on roads after IEDs went off. We moved people who got blown up by suicidel vest wearing fuckers. I remembered every time what it felt like to lose my close friends and nowhere in any of us, would we not try to save people. So, 12 months later and more close calls and blood then I care to remember. We are in Kuwait and the anniversary of the accident comes up. We are all feeling it but, we drive on to get home and leave that shithole. The numbness kicks in and I drive forward washing the aircraft at port.

We all get back to the states. I spend my 21st birthday hammered drunk in a Ruby Tuesdays. First time since the accident the year prior I got to let emotion flow freely. I get orders to honduras a few weeks later and what do you know. I am in a 3rd world country doing all kinds of cool shit.

November 2009; we are called to assist in humanitarian aid after a mudslide. Supplying water, food, clothes was our job during the mornings. I job in the afternoon was to clear bodies form the rubble, dirty, mud and water. You guys want to know, this fucked me up. Things you see in things like this are, unseeable. You cannot unsee some things and it just broke my heart. I started to become numb again. February of 2010 I get in an helicopter accident and fuck my back up. Now, I am numb and on pretty much a several month supply of percocet and alcohol cause I had nothing else to do.

This is the point in my life I became blunt and bitter. I started to fill more with hatred towards people. I get a call from my biological mother, as I started speaking to her prior to my deployment (11 years after the shit) and tells me how she sent my little sister over to waynes for the summer. Mmhmm. You guys arent out of the loop, same wayne. I lose my mind. I have never before degraded someone so harshly in my life. She was in tears and I was fuming red. Told her I would call her back later when I was not mad so expect a call in a few weeks. I immedietly turned around and called my sister and demanded, not asked, for every court document pertaining to my case. I was asked why and I told them "Cause I am going to get custody of my sister before that pedophile gets the chance to hurt her."

I PCS to Germany. Still fighting with my biological mother about my sister. Finally, I take the trip to the states and paid for court and DNA tests. Proved wayne was not her father in court and proceeded to provide the documentation from my own court case. All and all it came down to my mother getting custody. Which is great. Wayne, well, I threatened to kill him if he ever contacted my sister. They havent heard from him since.

I became a flight instructor shortly afterwards. I started to instruct people on how to fly in the helicopter after accumulating over 1200 hours. I had my ups and downs with them. Some were English second language. Some from the south. Others who just didnt learn fast. I learned how to cope with slower people and I learned how to become a better leader and instructor.

Time has gone by it is now September 2013. I sign out of the army on October 1st, 2013. I am scared to go back to an unstructured life style. I am scared to go to a place where people understand me cause they saw it in a movie. I am ultimately constantly trying to help find myself in life and fill this void, so I can spend that day in August reflecting on my time with my friends rather then the sorrow that goes and creates that void. I want to be able to close my eyes and not see "Streets burning."

Life is life, it has its ups, it has its downs. Without them though, I would not be who I am today. I would not be that blunt force that tells people preciously how I see something. I would not be that protective person who will go out of the way for a random stranger to help them. I would not be that person who spent many hours rebuilding things and just hanging out and talking to people. My life, as shitty as it has been has taught me there is alot more in life then my homies from high school. Then my perfect grades and my perfect car in my perfect dream home to my perfect lady friend. My life has taught me that family isnt your blood. Family are those who ARE there for you. They are your neighbor who helped you mow the lawn when you broke your ankle. They are that teacher who helped you learn and spent time with you to make sure you understood it. They are that boss who went to the hospital and sat there for 9 hours watching tv they dont understand, waiting on your wife to give birth to your beautiful daughter because both of your families couldnt make it for your child's birth. Family and friends are those who go out of the way for you and want nothing in return. They want to see that smile come to your face and not their pocket or resume. While still being there with you during the ups and downs of life. Which will continue to happen til the day you die.

//thread

---------- Post added 09-20-2013 at 05:57 AM ----------

And please FFS don't ping me here. I get enough pings as is T__T

Family is definitely not blood. I was adopted. My mother is the best mother I could have asked for and my best friend these days. I am not blood related to her in the slightest. In addition, my step dad (my adoptive mom got divorced and remarried when I was in middle school) is the best dad I could have asked for and treats me like one of his own. My birth parents? No idea who they are and don't care. But my mom and stepdad are the best parents I could have wanted and I'm so appreciative and grateful for them.

You have had a tough life. But like you said, it has shaped you to be who you are which is important. Without your life, you wouldn't be able to have your awesome aunt in your life the way she is as well as being able to go to court to save your sister. You wouldn't have your army friends and family either.

You will be fine without the army. Believe in yourself and know that you came out alright and you will be fine :)

Bartuc, you have lived a life so different to my own. And as traumatising as a lot of the events in your life must've been, it is good that you are able to reflect on the experiences and realise that they have shaped who you are and your perspective on life.

Well, I mainly posted to let you know that I did read your post.