11-28-2014, 09:40 PM
I'm going to apologize in advance, because this is probably going to be quite a long post. But there are some things I just want outside views on about my relationship. And while I think this is the best relationship I've ever had, something feels off and I think it's my jealousy.
To start this off, I'm dating a boy that we're just going to call 'Xander' for now. We've been together for almost a year now, and we're like best friends. We can do anything together and it just feels so natural. From walking around the house butt-naked to singing along with songs (horribly) in the mall together. We usually go everywhere together, and even work together.
Work is where my issues with jealousy began. A friend of ours got him a job at a restaurant that he manages, and it was pretty great. Until I found out that one of the girls that works there is constantly hitting on my boyfriend. While I trust him, I wanted to give this woman a piece of my mind from the beginning. Upon meeting her, I just realized she was insecure and incredibly lonely. And eventually, found love with someone else. I consider her to be one of my friends at work, and we have a lot of fun together.
However, she was not the only girl who had a thing for Xander. She's a sweet little thing, from her cute smile, flawlessly styled hair (seriously, I wanted to know how she got it to look so damn cute all the time), to the way she handled the worst of situations, which was calmly and with a smile. She had a nice body, better than mine (and I'm ashamed of comparing myself to her like that, I know, I'm a horrible girl). And whenever Xander was around, she was all bubbly smiles. And she would flirt with him. In front of me. After I started working there and EVERYONE KNEW I was his girlfriend. I brushed it off for a while, thinking nothing of it. Because he's a friendly person, he acts the same way with everyone. But the more bubbly she got, the more irritated I became. And I've never been jealous with a partner, so this is was pretty weird for me.
One night, while waiting up, Xander didn't come home. Not until four in the morning. Sitting up with roommates, he came in. Claimed his phone was dead and he was locked out while we were at the store. So he went home with her and slept on her couch.
Now I would have been okay with this, if it weren't for several things. One, he had his phone charger and could have at least let me know. I asked him to tell me when he was off so he had a ride home, and I would have liked to know that he had another way of getting there. And he acted like it was funny almost. I was a little irritated, because I didn't like her already. They texted constantly, til late hours, and sometimes I felt like he was giving her more attention than me. We hardly ever saw each other, and when we were together he spent his time on his phone with this other girl.
So I got upset, but we didn't talk much about it. He apologized for making me uncomfortable, but that was all he said.
Then at one of our parties, he was glued to her the entire time. And our roommate told me that the night before, they had been glued together during a movie night. So I got upset, and left. I have a bad habit of letting things eat at me, so when I called him later on that night I let him have it. I told him I was upset, because everything he had been doing lately seemed to revolve around this girl. Again, we didn't talk much about it. Eventually she quit working with us.
Many months later, we're living in a different apartment with his best friend. During a drunk bonding session, I confessed my insecurities explaining that I didn't feel we really had closure on the subject. Because Xander would shut down whenever we talked about anything serious. It's his defense mechanism, and he's been in emotionally abusive relationships before. So I suppose that's how he deals with things.
I wasn't the only one who had been suspicious. His best friend had gone through his phone before, thinking there was something between him and this seemingly perfect, bubbly little cutie. What he found, was that she was emotionally damaged and every so often found someone to cling to obsessively. The whole time, Xander had been trying to push her away while she continued with it all.
That gave me relief, but the other day I glanced at his phone after he turned it on, simply because the light attracted my eyes during a conversation. The page opened up to his messages with this girl, and he quickly moved his phone out of sight. We're a couple who respects each other, and we don't search through each other's phones. We don't feel the need to. We talk about everything.
But that made me feel uncomfortable and I want to know if it seems unreasonable for me to feel suspicious at all? I have trusted him with everything, and I know when we exchange 'I love you's, it's meant from the very bottom of our hearts. But feeling so in love, am I being blind? Or am I simply overreacting?
We recently talked about my insecurity and how I tend to get jealous, and it was good finally getting to really talk out something serious with him. He opened up for once, and it was pretty damn great. So why do I still feel anxious about this?
Please tell me if I'm being a stupid overreacting girlfriend, or if I should bring this up with him? I'm worried of him shutting down again and getting defensive.
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