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nekojin_cat
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#1
Old 02-07-2007, 02:06 AM

This is a story I wrote early last year. I quite like it, but it feels like it could be made better. Any suggestions?


Claire likes gardening. She spends at least half an hour each morning pottering around her roses, and her pansies, watering them and tending to their needs. She carefully ties the climbing roses to their trellises, arranging their leaves over apple-green ties, to make them as inconspicuous as possible.

Claire has a dog. Her dog is a golden retriever whose name is Sammy. Sammy has been around since Claire turned fifty. He's twelve now, and Claire is getting worried because Sammy's starting to get cataracts, and her pension won't cover the cost of surgery, not even with the little bits and pieces she's hidden away.

Sammy likes watching Claire garden. He staggers over to a patch of sun on the deck, and sinks down gratefully as Claire fills her watering can and slowly travels around the garden. Claire often jokes in the mornings that they're both going to grow old together.

Claire likes to remember, She likes to stare into space, and she likes to remember the times with friends, with family, where she was happy. She hasn't been happy in the same glittery, ethereal way for years. Now, her idea of 'happy' is being able to get up, be amongst her flowers with her dog, and think.

That winter, Claire falls sick. Her peace and quiet is shattered, as a nurse he can't afford comes to stay with her. The nurse is cheery, and polite, but Claire doesn't really know her. She knows the nurse is faking it.

The nurse is called Kathy. Kathy doesn't like gardening. All of Claire's roses and pansies start looking neglected. The trellises start to fall apart.

Kathy doesn't remember to water the plants. She doesn't know that the apple-green ties are in a plastic ice cream container unter the sink. She doesn't understand.

Sammy doesn't like Kathy. Sammy is getting old, and his cataracts are getting worse, and he doesn't like having someone new that he can't see very well walking around his house. He doesn't like sitting outside on the deck any more. The wooden boards hurt his legs.

On the first of February, Sammy dies. The nurse, who still hasn't learned anything except that Claire is getting worse, tells Claire with false sympathy shining through her eyes as she secretly contemplates her next paycheck.

That night, Claire gets worse. She cries for Sammy, Sammy who has been there with her for twelve years, who has always been there when she needed him - he's gone. She cries herself to sleep, shaking her frail, old-lady body to pieces in her sorrow. Kathy, who moved in downstairs when Claire got worse, doesn't notice.

In the morning, Claire gets up and stretches her legs. She looks out the window, and is upset by the state of her garden. She sees Sammy sitting in his patch of sun, and potters down the stairs to tend to her garden. She remembers happier times.

Claire likes to remember.

Nema
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#2
Old 02-11-2007, 12:58 PM

I don't have any suggestions for improvement, Nekojin, I just like it very much. It's sad and moving, but somehow uplifting at the same time. :)

tanarif984
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#3
Old 02-12-2007, 06:53 PM

Wow, neko, its real good.
How long did it take you?

Miss_Lexy_Love
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#4
Old 08-11-2007, 11:05 PM

I totaly really love your story i just think the beginning sentence needs a good entrance to your story to make the readers really want to read it and not say oh this will be boring ill just not read it but its a very nice story and i think just a tiny bit of work on the entrance thats all but keep going with your story so keep it up and good luck okay byebyez :D

Deji-chan
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#5
Old 08-11-2007, 11:48 PM

Oh, wow. o.o;; That hit me hard. Dx It was very good though~ Kinda gives me hope. :3

 


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