Thread Tools

amarantine
(-.-)zzZ
38.33
amarantine is offline
 
#1
Old 07-17-2009, 06:38 PM

Welcome!
Hello everyone! I have a new story for you all to read! :angel:

This is story inspired by okamimysts babble. The main character is Malina, I’m just using first person ‘cause that’s what I like most! As I said, this story is inspired by the drabble, and so some scenes, characters, and even script/dialogue may seem very similar, but I promise nothing will be completely identical. Still, all credit goes to my Muse, okamimyst for the original ideas and characters. The words, however, are my own.

As usual, feel free to post any constructive criticisms you may have, I always welcome comments!

Enjoy the writings! :)

And a quick note to the mods: "Section" is the word I'm using for "chapter." I didn't want there to be any confusion about that; I'm certainly not trying to cheat the gold system!







|Introduction| |Section One: Prologue| |Section Two: Before the Beginning| |Section Three: Arrival in Julea|

Last edited by amarantine; 08-16-2009 at 03:48 PM..

amarantine
(-.-)zzZ
38.33
amarantine is offline
 
#2
Old 07-17-2009, 06:42 PM

~©~


I sat still on Saddie's back, staring down at the outcropping amidst the sea of tall prairie grass. I took in a deep breath and urged the old mare down the plateau's side with my knees. As we wadded through the grass, my heart quickened its pace and my palms grew sweaty. I stared at the weathered wood buildings rising above the forest of herbage swaying with the hot prairie wind. The buildings grew nearer; my mouth grew dry, but I wasn't about to turn back.

The few weathered buildings were a dismal sight. At one point, the house and barn hadn’t been so lifeless; once, they had been filled with light, love, and laughter. A mother used to tend the stoves, a smile always on her face and a song always humming in the air. Her husband had worked in the fields all day with help from his son. And the two younger girls had played in the ocean of grass from sun-up until sundown when the large bell by the front door would ring the family in for dinner. Now the bell clanged dully in the desolate wind and weeds reigned in the fields, tying the plough down permanently halfway through a day’s work.

I sighed as I hitched Saddie to an old hitching pole and pushed on the front door. It creaked crookedly open. Distant sounds echoed in my head, sounds from my memories.

The hearth stood on the far right wall of the main room, the ashes long blown out. On the right, a piano still stood, though a bit worse for wear than my memories. Still lying on its top was an old, dusty fiddle. I crossed the room and sat at the piano. My mother used to sit here. Every night after dinner. Her posture was always perfect and a secret always played on her smiling lips. She would play the complex melodies of some of the world’s greatest composers—Bach, Beethoven, Strauss—and my father would join in on the old violin. So many of these classic songs were the backdrop for the numerous games of dolls I would play with my little sister, Nina. My brother, Mark, would sit at the hearth, a game of solitaire stretched out before him.

Music was our lifestyle. If it wasn’t the elegant melodies of the old composers, it was the vibrant, joyous sounds of ceili jigs and reels, or the quiet humming of my mother as she played the role of mother and housewife. A day without music was like a day without bread.

I played a few lines of the melodies that haunted my memories and then raised my eyes to look out the window above the piano. It was covered in filth, but the view was the same: the vast expanse of prairie grass. Such a long time ago that green sea was the playground for Nina, Mark and I. Those days of play were filled with running, screeching, and yelping, until Mark would declare the play to be over, and then the grass would tower above our heads and we’d watch the clouds roll by, yelling out the shapes we saw. It was these days that I treasured.

I sighed, and stood. I walked to back to the door, and, with my hand on the handle, I glanced back at my house. The hallway that lead to the bedrooms was dim, and the flashes of one terrifying and life-changing night flashed in my mind. I shook them away and left behind the memories of my childhood.

Mounted on Saddie’s back again, I guided her away from the homestead on toward the great walled capital, Julea.

As Saddie plodded along the road to Julea, I remembered another time I had ridden this way. It all started one terrifying night….




|Introduction| |Section One: Prologue| |Section Two: Before the Beginning| |Section Three: Arrival in Julea|

Last edited by amarantine; 08-16-2009 at 04:23 PM..

amarantine
(-.-)zzZ
38.33
amarantine is offline
 
#3
Old 07-28-2009, 04:33 AM

~©~


I was nine when they came. I was asleep when they rode on to our land, but the sounds soon awakened me. It was early in the morning, the sky gray outside the small bedroom window. My mother was in the front room and it was her screams as they rode up on their horses that awoke me and my younger sister, Nina. Then, my brother was suddenly at my window as my mother left the house firing the rifle that always hung above the door. Mark banged on the windowpane, and motioned for me to come through with Nina. I was still in my dress from the day before because I’d gone to bed late and my nightshift was dirty. I grabbed Nina’s hand, who was too scared to do anything but cry, and hoisted up the window sash. Somehow, I pushed her out into Mark’s arms and scrambled out myself. Mark quickly hushed Nina and I followed him to the back of the house where he had hidden Saddie, our horse, in the wild brush. He hoisted me up, handed Nina to me, and then disappeared to help Pa and Mother. Terrified, I called after him, but he only fired his pistol in response, which caused Saddie to snap her head up in surprise and fright. I knew that I was supposed to take myself and Nina away, but I didn’t know where to go, so I pointed Saddie in a random direction, and galloped away from our prairie home.

We rode for many weeks, stopping in nearly every town along the way where I would beg the innkeepers for their scraps and a kitchen floor to sleep on. I had no idea where I was taking us; I didn’t know where it was that my extended family lived. All I knew about them was that they lived in some great city and rarely visited our little ranch. And so we moved without rhyme or reason.

It was in Julea that our wanderings ended. As usual, we went from inn to inn begging for the keeper’s kindness for two starving homeless children (and we truly were starving; if anyone were to look at us, I would have been surprised if they’d seen anything besides a bag of bones we were so emaciated). We were given tiny morsels of gruel at the first two inns we begged at, but nothing to satiate our hunger. At the third, we found relief, though not from the keeper or his wife.

The inn was just like any other—tavern on the lower floor and accommodations on the upper. We entered the inn as we usually did—two young children clinging to each other, their clothing hanging off their bodies, which were thin as rails. Our reception, however, was not the usual. The innkeeper and his wife took one glance at us, and then looks of utter disgust crossed their faces. His wife came rushing to the door, her skirts rustling about her ankles, and grabbed us both by the ear to throw us out.

“What are you doing?” a woman cried, rising to her feet. I could tell right then that she was a true lady; her dress and her manners revealed her as such in an instant. She wore the loveliest green dress and a tiny white veil decorated her tightly woven braided bun. My jaw almost went slack at the prospect of such a fine woman standing up for my baby sister and I. “You cannot possibly be thinking of throwing these two poor children out! Look at them! They’re starved to the bone!”

“This? Oh, my dear good woman,” replied the innkeeper’s wife, “this is an act. Most probably their parents put them up to it.”

“You can’t be serious!” The wife made no move to show she was joking. “In that case,” continued the lady, “I will pay for them to have a good, hot meal and a place to sleep. Come here, children, don’t be afraid of me.”

Nina nearly ran to the lady, but I stopped her. We could still be proud even though we were in the most dismal of states. We soon learned that the lady’s name was Rose Killarney and she ran a finishing school for boys and girls alike further north. The more she talked about her school, how the children there learned to read and write and play musical instrument and learned all sorts of other wonderful things, the more intrigued I became until I finally asked if we could go there.

“Well,” Ms. Killarney replied, “usually the children who go there are those from good families.” At this statement my face fell, and she must have seen that, for she added, “However, I might be able to make an exception. You’ll have to ask your parents, though.”

With the mention of our parents, Nina’s lower lip began to tremble, and I had to hush her before I could answer Ms. Killarney.

“We don’t know where our parents are. You see, we’ve been travelling for weeks because the wild men came to our house.”

“The wild men?” she asked.

“Yes. They ride horses and live on the plains. They make horrible screeches when they come to the houses along the Border.” As I said this, Ms. Killarney’s face changed to a look of realized horror. At the time, I wasn’t sure why she looked so. She was quiet for a moment, and then she spoke again.

“Well, girls, tonight you will sleep in a nice bed and tomorrow we will go to Ms. Killarney’s Preparatory Academy. What do you think of that?” her voice was cheerful and her expression soft. It was enough to cause both Nina and I to smile. Imagine! No more wandering from town to town! No more begging! No more aching; no more hunger. We would be safe and warm and eventually call Ms. Killarney’s Preparatory Academy home.




|Introduction| |Section One: Prologue| |Section Two: Before the Beginning| |Section Three: Arrival in Julea|
__________________

Last edited by amarantine; 08-16-2009 at 04:24 PM..

amarantine
(-.-)zzZ
38.33
amarantine is offline
 
#4
Old 08-16-2009, 03:50 PM

~©~


After many days of travel, and many, many leagues of plains, hills, and forests covered, the walls of Julea could be seen on the horizon, their white stones grand against the sky.

I arrived at the gates to the city to the loud, festive sound of music. I had forgotten about the Festival of the Goddess, the one festival that caused nearly every town and city to come alive with the sounds of music and festivities. Even the guards charged with protecting the citizens of Julea and the royal family of Perrona, were visibly affected by the mood of the Festival, and they let me through without a single question. After all, who would think of harming the city on a grand day such as this?

Inside the walls, the citizens cruised the streets, smiles spread wide across their faces and their chatter climbing up to the sky. Everywhere, colorful streamers were stretched in zigzag patterns across the streets between the whitewashed houses with their blue roofs. I found myself yet again entranced as I had been those many years ago when I was first in Julea. I couldn’t keep myself fram gazing about me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

Saddie’s hooves rang out cheerful on the cobblestone streets, and I frequently had to duck to avoid the lanterns hanging low from the streamers. I could only imagine how beautiful the city must look at night—especially from the parapets of Castille Julea!

The closer I came to the center of the city, the more and more people I encountered. There were merchants, and peasants, and nobles, and every sort of person imaginable milling about the large central square. Young couples giggled by the fountain, and children begged for sweets at the many stalls set up about the perimeter. Men and women alike walked about rosy-cheeked, and the overall cheerfulness of the gathering, eased my nerves. A stage was set up and dancers whirled about to the sounds of pipes, drums, harps, and I couldn’t help but stop and watch. The gaiety of the Festival of the Goddess was infectious, but the whole time, the beautiful blue-domed Castille Julea loomed above the city, reminding me of why I was truly here. I swallowed hard as the butterflies in my stomach threatened to emerge from my mouth. I took one deep breath and guided Saddie out of the city center and up the hill towards CaStille Julea.

How on earth did I reach this point? As the elegant shape of the Castille grew closer and closer, and my heart pounded harder and harder in my chest, my thoughts flew back into the past.




|Introduction| |Section One: Prologue||Section Two: Before of the Beginning| |Section Three: Arrival in Julea|

okamimyst
*^_^*
198.26
Send a message via AIM to okamimyst Send a message via Yahoo to okamimyst
okamimyst is offline
 
#5
Old 08-16-2009, 04:18 PM

OMG!! It's sooo much better than the scraps in my drabble!! I love how you tie everything together!! Amazing!!

However, there are a few grammatical isues. In a few places, you leave out plurals or have a noun instead of an adverb, and in the 6th paragraph of the first section, you change pronouns. Otherwise, wonderful work, Ama!! Je l'adore!! I love it!! :heart:

amarantine
(-.-)zzZ
38.33
amarantine is offline
 
#6
Old 08-16-2009, 04:22 PM

Awwww.... Thankies, Okami! :heart:

And I'll get on those edits ASAP.

Nolori
Everyone's Favorite Imaginary Fr...
6899.34
Nolori is offline
 
#7
Old 08-17-2009, 06:50 PM

Hi amarantine! Let’s see what we can do! (I quite like your username by the way. =] )

Section 1:
Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
The few weathered buildings were a dismal sight.
You used ‘weathered’ in the previous description of the buildings. While not wrong, if you use a synonym it might sound more appealing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
Music was our lifestyle.
Perhaps just ‘life’? I understand what you mean by it either way, but I think ‘life’ has a harder impact than ‘lifestyle’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
…it was the vibrant, joyous sounds of ceili jigs and reels…
What’s ‘ceili’? I can’t be sure if it’s a typo or simply something I’ve never heard of. If it is a typo, I thought I’d bring it to your attention. Just in case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
It was these days that I treasured.
In this case, ‘these’ makes it sound a bit like they are currently happening. Could ‘those’ be used instead?

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
I sighed, and stood.
I’m not sure the comma is needed there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
I walked to back to the door, and, with my hand on the handle, I glanced back at my house.
There is an extra ‘to’ here in the first bit. You could also leave out the comma just before the first ‘and’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
…and the flashes of one terrifying and life-changing night flashed in my mind.
Here, grammatically speaking, you should change it to either ‘and the flash’ or ‘and flashes’. Just a little plural issue. You might also considering using a substitute for one of the ‘flash’ words, so as to shake things up in diction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
It all started one terrifying night….
Ellipses are typically only three dots. ‘…’ Also, since you described this event as a ‘terrifying night’ previously, you might throw in some synonyms in its stead here.

---

Section 2:
Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
I was asleep when they rode on to our land, but the sounds soon awakened me.
Starting both sentences with ‘I was’ right next to each other sounds a little redundant when read. It might prove a bit complicated the change if you want to keep the rest of the sentence the same, but if you can do it I think it will sound much better. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
My mother was in the front room and it was her screams as they rode up on their horses that awoke me and my younger sister, Nina.
This sentence seems a little convoluted to me. I understood it, but it felt a bit long. Perhaps break up the thoughts into separate sentences? Making smaller sentences (and often fragmenting them) can help increase the sense of urgency and panic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
I’d gone to bed late and my nightshift was dirty.
‘nightshirt’ instead of ‘nightshift’, yeah?

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
…and hoisted up the window sash.
What’s a window sash? I’ve never heard of it before. I really hope that isn’t a typo, because it sounds like a neat term!

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
Somehow, I pushed her out into Mark’s arms and scrambled out myself.
If you eliminated the first ‘out’, you can make it so you don’t use the word twice in the same sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
(and we truly were starving; if anyone were to look at us, I would have been surprised if they’d seen anything besides a bag of bones we were so emaciated)
Because you don’t seem to have parenthesis throughout, I’m not a huge fan of them being here. Why not just make it a regular sentence?

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
You see, we’ve been travelling for weeks…
‘traveling’. Only need one ‘L’. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
“We don’t know where our parents are. You see, we’ve been travelling for weeks because the wild men came to our house.”
Is there any particular reason Malina talks so adult-like? I have a hard time remembering she’s so small when she doesn’t, thus far, seem to have any childish tendencies.
[That being said, I didn’t read Okamimyst’s babbles. Is that a trait you kept for Melina from there?]


Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
“… they come to the houses along the Border.”
Is ‘Border’ a place? If it’s just the border, I don’t think it should be capitalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
“Well, girls, tonight you will sleep in a nice bed and tomorrow we will go to Ms. Killarney’s Preparatory Academy. What do you think of that?” her voice was cheerful and her expression soft. It was enough to cause both Nina and I to smile. Imagine! No more wandering from town to town! No more begging! No more aching; no more hunger. We would be safe and warm and eventually call Ms. Killarney’s Preparatory Academy home.
Something about this whole situation doesn’t seem quite right to me. In the age that seems to be in my head (I see mid-late 1800s) beggar children were actually quite common and it was often a fraud. Heck, people still do that. After the mention of the wild-men, and Ms. Killarney’s reaction to their mention, it’s more believable. Obviously she has some connection/knowledge about them that we don’t know yet. But when she first tries to save the children, could you describe some kind of facial expression, or something about her that makes us believe that she has some kind of reason to help them other than clearly being really nice?
Another suggestion is to have her seem almost holy in the eyes of the children, therefore negating the need for her to seem reasonable.
It’s not something that absolutely needs to be done; it’s just my two cents.

---

Section 3:
Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
…. I couldn’t keep myself fram gazing…
‘from’ instead of ‘fram’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
—especially from the parapets of Castille Julea!
Here’s another thing that can probably be looked over since it’s a work of fiction, but I thought I’d make a mention and see what you thought:
Castille, from what I know, was a kingdom that ruled Spain for some time. (Which, when I read it, was spelled Castilla.) Does this mean they’re in Spain? Other than that, I’ve known Castile (with one ‘l’) to be a kind of hard soap.
That aside, I don’t know much about Spain or Spanish. So I’m just pointing it out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by amarantine
…and up the hill towards CaStille Julea.
The ‘s’ shouldn’t be capitalized, right?

Overall it was interesting. I can’t wait to learn more about the academy and Ms. Killarney. It made me want to read Okamimyst’s hand in this, too!

Good luck with it!

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts