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OhMahGawz
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#1
Old 07-09-2009, 08:32 AM

I couldn't help but start showing this beaut off. It's my fantasy novel. I've been developing the world for 4 years now, and I'll gladly tell you anything you want to know. I have maps drawn, species sketched out, an entire mass of humanoid and non humanoid races to populate the world, various languages (and their handwriting & rules for said languages) a history that spans well over 4000 years into the past, various religions, etc, etc, etc. It's so in detail it's practically enough to be real. I'll gladly give you any info I know.

Also, I'm currently hiring an editor. Are you interested? It's got poor pay (read: none) and there will be weeks without work only to be swamped by about 8 chapters at once from various stories, but I'll love you forever! Pm me if you want to talk about it.
But let's get on with it, shall we?

Let me know if you like it and I'll put up other chapters!

Chapter 1


“Lei, get back here! It’s dangerous out there! Hey! I said get back here!”

The gruff words of the watchmen echoed through the Dark Forest, but barely reached Lei Mustrai through the heavy pounding of her heart and the frantic pant of her breath. Yes, she was running, and yes, this wasn’t the first time she had tried to make such a pointless escape. Her instincts told her to run every time she was caught again, so run she did, eyes squeezed shut so she blindly ran through the twisted horror of the woods.

“That’s it! If you don’t get back here by the count of three we’re coming after you!”

“We?”

“Alright! I’m coming after you!”

Threats did nothing to stop her as she mechanically ran, no idea exactly where she was going. Left, right, left, right. Her bare feet pounded on bare earth, dried leaves and who knew what else, covered in blood from thorns and stray branches, throbbing with pain. Her lower lip was bitten so hard she could feel the skin breaking under her teeth, the warm, salty taste of blood flowing into her mouth in a steady stream. It felt like hell on earth, but at least on top of it all was the sweet air of freedom.

“One...”

They had thought the thick, white dress would slow her down enough to keep her from a clever escape, but even here the menace of a gown couldn’t hold her from flight. Sure, it ripped, caught on branches and stood out powerfully against ashen trunks and blackened leaves, yet it stopped her not. If anything, it gave her all the more reason to escape. If this was what her future held, she would fight it to the grave.

“Two...”

But where could she run? It wasn’t as if many places would be eager to take a young girl wearing an expensive gown, smothered thick mud and her own dried blood in with welcome arms. Especially once the alert had gone out to other border villages that she had tried to escape again. The last time she had found herself in one she had been immediately carted back home. That had been her sixth attempt. This was her eighth.

Before she could continue thinking she tripped on a root and tumbled down, and vaguely she felt the soft thwack of her head hitting something hard on the ground. Everything blurred for a second, and searing pain etched across the right half of her face before numbing a moment later. Rather than sitting there and awaiting the medical attention she would no doubt receive if once again foiled she took off, now attempting more of a shambling run than the mad dash done before.

“Three!”

The four watchmen stared at their nervous counterpart who hesitated, licking his lips and glancing at his friends who denied him assistance. They all knew just how dangerous it was in that forest, and even their worry for the defenseless girl did little to persuade them outwards. To pass away the time in a faint hope she would come running back, the frantic man looked at each of his comrades and then asked, “what exactly does this girl look like again?”

One to the far left nudged the questioner in a teasing manner, but played along for the sake of his friend’s sanity. “She’s pretty tall for her age - taller than most women as old as us! - and her hair is waist long and completely straight, though heaven knows the girl never brushes it.”

“And,” another man piped in, helping to pass the time, “her eyes are a strange mint green. Never seen anything like it on anyone else!”

“Oh, and we can’t forget to mention her so easily darkened skin! She seems more likely to blend with those desert folk than us up north here!” This one shuffled his feet here and there as he spoke, averting his eyes as if afraid to see any man stupid enough to endure the terrors for a fleeing girl.

“She’s got a face just like her mother’s, too! Remember Tsenna? Every man in town wanted to marry her!” This was accompanied by a murmur of agreement. Tsenna had been the belle of the village back when she was young, and Lei had easily taken her place.

It went on for a few more minutes, each man chucking out a useless detail he could recall in the vain hope that Lei would come running back with tail ‘twixt her legs before any of them had to go in. These short minutes gave her enough time to duck away into a rough pile of brush and dead wood, a perfect hiding place until her pursuers stopped searching her area. This time-waster was swiftly halted, however, when one of the detail suppliers foolishly said, “and nothing else comes to mind, really.” It was safe to say that while the young man attempting rescue ran about the forest in search of the girl he decided never to buy his friend a drink again as long as he lived.

Lei fought to silence her gasping breaths as she heard footsteps finally approach her hiding space, thankful for those few spare moments that had given her the time to hide her path towards the brush. In one brief moment she could see the face of the man searching for her, twisted from a stark combination of fear and concern, muttering worriedly to himself as he carelessly floundered across the foreign scape. He looked like most of the men in Darus, especially around the border villages. Dark, coarse hair, dark eyes, a short, stocky frame and pale milky white skin marked both her pursuer and most other native Darusians. Boring, average and very uninteresting, and something told Lei that this poor fellow’s personality wasn’t much better.

A plan quickly began to formulate in her mind for a quick escape when it seemed that those nervous brown eyes had fallen suspiciously upon her brush, her mind frantically searching for some way to leave the hiding spot without being noticed. It seemed she was utterly doomed to failure, and with each approaching step she felt her heart beat faster and faster, sweat rolling down her face to mingle with dirt and blood...

Out of nowhere someone ran right past her terrified pursuer’s back, fleeing as she herself was very tempted to have done but seconds before the distraction was created. She didn’t see much of them, just a fleeting view of a long black ponytail and terrifying red eyes, but it was enough to know they were dangerous. So when the young watchman who had heard the noisy footfalls turned to follow what he must have assumed to be her, Lei very nearly yelped out a warning. Her freedom was more important than his safety, though, and the fact that she was aided in her goal by a stranger fueled her all the more to press forward to a safe place, so she prepared to move on.

She turned to get up and sprint another way, and a large branch stuck into her face just barely below her eye so that she winced and fell back for a few moments. Still, compared to the pain she felt on her feet and where she smacked her head it was nothing, so it was taken as nothing of importance beyond a mental scolding of herself. She avoided hitting the branch again, found a way out of her hiding spot and took off once again in a different direction than the other two had headed off in.

Free of anybody chasing her, her pace was slower and perhaps stealthier than previously. She was no fool, and knew the Dark Forest a dangerous place when watched themselves carefully and deadly if they didn’t. The taint of the Darus-Vanar border was more than enough to terrify a well trained army fully armed, let alone a clueless girl with only her wits to protect her. Even the character who had distracted the watchman was probably twisted by the forest - nothing that lived there came out unaffected. The border villages have had their hands filled fending off these affected creatures for as long as anybody can remember, so no child in the region is left in ignorance of the danger.

The black, twisted wood was something only those living near Vanar even believed to be true anymore, a danger so demented even those who had seen it often declared it false. Even its appearance alone, ashen grey tree trunks with leaves of piercing black, bushes smothered in blood red thorns, was enough to make it hard to believe in. The creatures here, even if perfectly normal when they go to make their home in the wood, soon became twisted and warped themselves both physically and mentally. That was why no watchmen were allowed to make camp within anymore, and why Lei had to be sure to get out as soon as she could.

The thought struck her of just how twisted she could easily become if she stayed just one second too late, and a shiver crept down her spine. Would she even remember who she was? After all this sought freedom, would she become a captive of this horrid forest’s will? Though stealth meant safety, the fearful thoughts that sprung into her mind pushed her into a full-out run just like before, still shambling after that thwack to the head.

For what seemed like hours she was running, walking and gasping for breath, the scenery around her changing so little she felt like already she had been caged into the wood. Was she heading towards Darus and home, or Vanar, the one place no man wanted to go? She didn’t even dare think that she could have been walking straight along the forests, running until she was corrupted or reached the glistening beaches of the coast, its waters ash-grey near the borders. Instead she ran and ran where she could only hope was the right path, with no possible way to tell what direction she was running in.

During one of her breaks she paused and took in as much air as she could before running off once again in her best attempt to escape as usual, but this time she saw a motion in the corner of her eye. She hadn’t seen anything beyond that first movement, but every single time she took another break or even slowed down she could have sworn she heard the sound of near silent footsteps not too far behind her. She attributed these incredibly faint sounds to her paranoid imagination, however, and ignored them to the best of her capability.

After around the eighth break since the first movement had been seen nothing had happened with her imaginary pursuit, but she did see her first life in the forest. If she hadn’t seen it when she did she may have run straight into its vision and been ripped to pieces right then and there. Fortunately she hadn’t been detected, and threw herself behind a large tree-trunk to watch the scene in the clearing in front of her with a mixture of terror and curiosity only she could muster.

There were at least four of them, and each one would reach higher than her if they stood on their hind legs. Their flesh was mottled and crude, seemingly sewn together and half-rotted, yet sticking to their bones despite its poor condition, their faces blank except for a large mouth that traveled from one end of their dog-shaped head to the other and was filled with ridiculously long and sharp teeth dripping with black saliva. Lei wasn’t sure exactly what they were, but her eyes were transfixed on their long, bloodstained and whip-like tails that swung back and forth like serpents, muscles rippling under more poorly constructed flesh. She had never heard of anything like them from any of the watchmen before...what were they?

Creeping around the clearing, she saw that they were devouring the aged corpse of some poor unfortunate who had found his way into the forest for one reason or another. It was obvious they hadn’t killed him from the condition of the body, but she had no doubt in her mind that they could easily rend her limb from limb if she couldn’t sneak her way by. Steadily she made her way, twelve paces away from the other side, eleven, ten, nine...

A stick crunched under her foot, breaking in half with what seemed to her such a loud sound she was doomed, and stealthy she was no more. She swore under her breath and took off running as quickly as she could in the opposite direction, knowing quite well that those blank faces with no eyes were looking in her direction, their killer instincts kicking in. Or she would have ran, had not her foot once again caught on a root and she toppled over for the second time in her escape. Her head came in contact with nothing but the ground this time, though, and so she was perfectly conscious of the root her foot was caught upon and the four deadly creatures sprinting towards her quicker than she thought possible.

She tugged at her foot viciously as her own instincts took over her body, terror overwhelming her common sense and forcing her to try and pull herself out of the situation. Her entire might went into pulling at what kept her in that spot, and before she knew it the adrenaline gave her a powerful energy boost that was followed by a sickening crack and pain coursing through her entire foot. Her limb was free and she could make her escape, but even if the beasts - which, she noticed, were screaming almost as if dying themselves - were not almost upon her now her foot was certainly fractured. All in all, it seemed she was doomed.

It was then that someone ran out even quicker than the strange creatures right in front of her, a lithe yet powerful form blocking herself from seeing anything before her. There was no other view but a body garbed in expensive silken shirt and pants, and a high, long black ponytail that still swayed with inertia. A black ponytail...hadn’t the person who distracted his guard had a ponytail just the same? The man - for his voice gave it away easily - spoke, not to her but to the creatures, in a commanding tone that had a ring of familiarity to it.

Nada! Ihn iano et xana, ninal! Ursto marne!

It was the language of the Landir from the sound of it, though she had never been able to learn more than a few words in that tongue. Still unable to see anything, she found it puzzling that as of yet there was no conflict, and when she heard the rustling that signified the beasts running away she grew even more confused. More than that, though, her eyelids grew heavy and her body finally felt spent. It was all she could do to get to sleep...

Turning to look down on her, eyes the color of the blood they seemed to long for fell upon the half-asleep Lei. Handsome in many aspects, the clean-shaven and hard-faced man sighed and nudged her roughly with his foot, shaking his head in disapproval. Soon after he gave a sly smile, though, as if getting some clever joke she did not understand.

“It shocks me that someone so completely useless will have any use, but even so...” He sighed and looked at her foot, bent at a ninety degree angle, looking very annoyed. “Come on then, let’s get you healed so some day you’ll actually be worth killing...”

She was far too tired to hear anything but her heart pounding in her ears and so not a word of it processed to her, but as she felt herself being picked up she wanted down more than anything. Beyond the corruption of the forest, the danger of the creatures and the pain of her feet she could feel one thing from this man that even her sleepiness could not muddle. They were enemies somehow, as if pre-destined, and if she hadn’t passed out right then and there into deep sleep she would have rather demanded to be put down than treated by him.

Restlessly she slept, dreaming of fighting her rescuer with a beautiful glittering sword that looked so expensive she would probably never even see it in waking life. For once she felt happy in her sleep, smiling even as she sliced and parried with sword skill she would never wield in real life. She may be in the dept of a nemesis and dreaming of life threatening danger, but she knew that she was free. This time permanently.


xxdeidarasgurlxx
AKA Obento-Chan =3
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xxdeidarasgurlxx is offline
 
#2
Old 08-12-2009, 01:51 AM

I like this story, It's probably one of the best that I've read on the forums. The detail is awesome, I could Imagine myself in that forest, my heart was even pounding in my chest when lei was running from the watchmen. you should definitely post the other chapters.

It kind of makes me jealous. I've written so many stories, but nothing as good as what you have here.

Nolori
Everyone's Favorite Imaginary Fr...
6899.34
Nolori is offline
 
#3
Old 08-19-2009, 02:01 AM

Fantasy! I love fantasy works!

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Yes, she was running, and yes, this wasn’t the first time she had tried to make such a pointless escape.
Something about the ‘yes… and yes’ doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the style of the story. It almost seems to give the feeling that the author is present and is acknowledging the reader, when in the rest of this the author is very much invisible and the reader is watching this unfold with being noticed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
…eyes squeezed shut so she blindly ran through the twisted horror of the woods.
There are a couple ways this sentence could go and I’m not sure which it is: ‘…eyes squeezed shut so tightly that she blindly…’ or ‘…eyes squeezed shut, so she…’
Without a few extra words, or a comma, this part of the sentence is a little confusing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
“We?”
You said she was running mechanically, panting and doing all sorts of things that signify desperation and breathlessness. I didn’t understand how or why she would yell back while running. You could add something in about an abrupt halt on her part in order to yell back, otherwise I’d cut this particular line and find another way to explain there is only one watchman willing to go into the forest.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
“One...”
I just wanted to point out the ‘one … two … three’ thing here, because I think you executed it brilliantly. Wonderful work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Sure, it ripped, caught on branches and stood out powerfully against ashen trunks and blackened leaves, yet it stopped her not.
‘Sure’ feels a little out of place to me here. I think it could be cut to simply start the sentence with ‘it ripped’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
It wasn’t as if many places would be eager to take a young girl wearing an expensive gown, smothered thick mud and her own dried blood in with welcome arms.
This sentence feels very long and somewhat awkward to me. The simplest fix, I think, would be to move ‘in’ after ‘take’, instead of after ‘blood’. Perhaps a comma after blood to set that part of the sentence apart from the rest:
‘It wasn’t as if many places would be eager to take in a young girl, wearing an expensive gown, smothered with (or in) thick mud and her own dried blood, with welcome arms.’

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Before she could continue thinking she tripped on a root and tumbled down, and vaguely she felt the soft thwack of her head hitting something hard on the ground.
I think this part may be better served as two sentences. Striking out the ‘and’ after ‘down’ and making ‘vaguely’ the beginning of a new sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Rather than sitting there and awaiting the medical attention she would no doubt receive if once again foiled she took off, now attempting more of a shambling run than the mad dash done before.
This is another sentence where I think too much is happening at once. You could fix it by re-arranging words, but it might be simpler to merely split it into two sentences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
“what exactly does this girl look like again?”
‘what’ should be capitalized, yeah?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
One to the far left nudged the questioner in a teasing manner, but played along for the sake of his friend’s sanity.
Maybe I don’t understand the forest well enough, but is just standing on the edge of the forest liable to drive a man insane? Maybe ‘sanity’ isn’t the right word for the situation, or you could explain a little more about the forest previously so the reader can tell it’s the right word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
“and nothing else comes to mind, really.”
‘and’ should either be capitalized, or have ellipses in front of them.
‘And’ or ‘…and’

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
…he decided never to buy his friend a drink again as long as he lived.
I feel like ‘as long as he lived’ isn’t really necessary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
A plan quickly began to formulate in her mind for a quick escape when it seemed that those nervous brown eyes had fallen suspiciously upon her brush, her mind frantically searching for some way to leave the hiding spot without being noticed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
She didn’t see much of them, just a fleeting view of a long black ponytail and terrifying red eyes, but it was enough to know they were dangerous.
I assume you’re using ‘them’ and ‘they’ since Lei doesn’t know the gender. There is only one, right? May I suggest changing ‘them’ and ‘they’ to ‘it’? It’ll help to clarify that there is only one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
…so she prepared to move on.
Since this sentence is so long, I suggest making this end bit its own sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
She turned to get up and sprint another way, and a large branch stuck into her face just barely below her eye so that she winced and fell back for a few moments. Still, compared to the pain she felt on her feet and where she smacked her head it was nothing, so it was taken as nothing of importance beyond a mental scolding of herself.
These two sentences seem oddly phrased and, while not indiscernible, are a bit difficult to read. I’m not sure how exactly, but I suggest trying to rephrase them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
…and knew the Dark Forest a dangerous place when watched themselves carefully and deadly if they didn’t.
Somewhere in ‘when watched themselves carefully and’ you must have missed a word or two. I figure you meant that they needed to watch themselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
The black, twisted wood was something only those living near Vanar even believed to be true anymore, a danger so demented even those who had seen it often declared it false.
If no one believes the forest exists, why do the watchmen and Lei appear to fear it? If they don’t think the evil forest exists, why do they assume that the one they are at is it, rather than some other forest?
Did you mean that they didn’t believe the myths attached to it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
She didn’t even dare think that she could have been walking straight along the forests, running until she was corrupted or reached the glistening beaches of the coast, its waters ash-grey near the borders.
There seemed to be a lot of fragmented thoughts in this sentence. It confused me. I suggest separating them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Instead she ran and ran where she could only hope was the right path…
I think ‘where’ should be replaced by ‘on what’ or simply ‘on’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
After around the eighth break since the first movement had been seen nothing had happened with her imaginary pursuit, but she did see her first life in the forest.
This confuses me. Did you say above that she heard the thing every single time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
If she hadn’t seen it when she did she may have run straight into its vision and been ripped to pieces right then and there.
There is something a bit long-winded about this sentence. I understand the point of it, but there seems it takes a while to get the point of the sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
…with a mixture of terror and curiosity only she could muster.
Why is she the only one who can feel like this? Does she have some kind of power or empathy beyond that of everyone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Their flesh was mottled and crude, seemingly sewn together and half-rotted, yet sticking to their bones despite its poor condition, their faces blank except for a large mouth that traveled from one end of their dog-shaped head to the other and was filled with ridiculously long and sharp teeth dripping with black saliva.
A beautiful description, but perhaps not all in one sentence. Could you end it after ‘condition’ and make ‘their faces’ a new line?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
… a loud sound she was doomed, and stealthy she was no more.
I think the word ‘that’ could be placed between ‘sound’ and ‘she’. The end of this sentence is reflexive, when the rest of the sentence isn’t; I think that should be changed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
Her head came in contact with nothing but the ground this time, though, and so she…
I think the comma before ‘though’ can be dropped. (The one after ‘time’.)

She tugged at her foot viciously as her own instincts took over her body, terror overwhelming her common sense and forcing her to try and pull herself out of the situation. Her entire might went into pulling at what kept her in that spot, and before she knew it the adrenaline gave her a powerful energy boost that was followed by a sickening crack and pain coursing through her entire foot. Her limb was free and she could make her escape, but even if the beasts - which, she noticed, were screaming almost as if dying themselves - were not almost upon her now her foot was certainly fractured. All in all, it seemed she was doomed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
… blocking herself from seeing anything before her.
I think ‘herself’ should be ‘her’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
A black ponytail...hadn’t the person…
The ellipses between the words ‘ponytail’ and ‘hadn’t’ should have a space between the ellipses and ‘hadn’t’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
It was all she could do to get to sleep...
This makes it sound a little like she wanted to go to sleep, which I don’t think was the case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
… eyes the color of the blood they seemed to long for fell…
Something in this sentence seems to be missing. A word or two maybe, ‘they seemed to long for fell’ is where it really threw me off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMyGawz
She was far too tired to hear anything but her heart pounding in her ears and so not a word of it processed to her, but as she felt herself being picked up she wanted down more than anything.
Here’s another sentence I think would best be served by splitting into two.
---

I like the story. I think it’s a very interesting idea; I like the demons of the forest quite a bit. I like the way you describe what happens and what areas look like, but it takes quite some time to get to the point of some of your sentences. There are also some that seem to have too many thoughts to be a single sentence.
Other than that, I thought it was a fun read and hope you post more. Especially about the man and the creatures he could control (or put to sleep, I’m not certain). I found them very interesting.

Good luck with it all!

 


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