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Sexy Blue Candy
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#1
Old 08-30-2009, 05:09 PM

I hope I put this in the right spot.... >.<

{So this is the story I need help with, I can start them but I lose my ideas half way through please read and help me. ^_^}

Victoria was born in 1840; she had decided to get involved in the Civil War for the North. She wanted to fight with the men of the war, but she couldn't so she joined as a field nurse. One day she was working a boy about her age who had gotten shot in the chest plate, it was a bad wound, he'd survive but he wouldn't sit still. It was taking her a while to stop the bleeding, so she started talking to the guy, hoping to keep him calm so she could work. They talked about everything, he told her about where he was from, his parents, his school life, he felt like he could share everything with her. She had finished bandaging him, but she hadn't put any disinfectant on it. Victoria asked if he, D---- Venca, his first name was grazed by the bullet. Victoria wasn't focusing on that though, she just wanted to save his life. While Victoria was running with Venca back to the nurse bunker she was shot through her back and went into her heart jammed there, she died looking in Venca's eyes. Venca died a matter of seconds after from a blood clot going to his heart. Both dying at the tender age of 22 during Antietam, the bloodiest one day war of the Civil War; just two of the 2,108 people to lose their life fighting for what they believed in.

~~~~~~~

"Veronica!!!!!" screamed Teresa,my mom up the stairs, " If you don't get down here right now I will never let you date!" I ran down the stairs as fast as I could without tripping down them. I got to the bottom of the stairs slightly dazed, tidied myself up quickly and looked at the boy my mother had screamed in front of. “Mom….” I hesitated and brought her into the kitchen, “Could you maybe not scream in front of him, I don’t want you to scare off my first date….jeez.” I tried to laugh as I finished hoping my mother wouldn’t take me too seriously. I'm not a very serious person, I tend to be quiet and outgoing. I love being seen and heard, but only by my friends, I know I'm odd.


My mom and I went back into the living room. My dad, David, walked in, carrying a BB gun. 'Now I'm never going to be able to leave' she was never going to leave, I took dad into the kitchen and took the gun from him. “Sit and try to be nice, please.” I gave him the Ariel eyes that no man could resist. Finally, they stopped being so overly protective and started questioning him….. ‘God help us all’ I kept saying in my head, ‘please.’


“Have you dated anyone before?” was the first question out of my mother’s mouth. How could she ask such a thing…I don’t know and personally I don’t care as long as Deves isn’t scarred away by my parents. I was so caught up by my own thoughts, I hadn’t even realized he had answered the question and my parents approved. That quickly, something isn’t right, unless I was talking to myself the whole time. Crap!

Dylan and I made our way outside before my parents could ask anymore questions…hopefully the first was the worst. “Those were some awfully cute baby pictures…” He looked in my direction with a smile on his face…'mannn… I did miss a lot.' “Uh…..well, thanks…I think? I put on a tacky smile and hoped he would laugh it off and not ever in his life mention them again. He put his hand in mine and held onto it lightly, a little chill went through my whole body. I looked down at my hand and then to Dylan’s eyes and he had the same shock in his face.

{I want to do some sort of dramatic dialogue between the two but I dont exactly know how to start}

Last edited by Sexy Blue Candy; 09-05-2009 at 03:38 PM.. Reason: Making it make sense. xD

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#2
Old 08-31-2009, 06:46 AM

I'm gonna take a wild guess that basically she has now found the reincarnated version of the one she was in love with during the war.

If its their first date and they only know each other from school and its the first time they have touched... well then why not make it spark a very faint memory for each of them ... i mean it depends.

Your back drop seems to show that she had an interest in him during the war but hardly knew him so there lies the question did he even know she existed at all? he would not get that kind of feeling from the touch if she was just another nameless comrade to him.

This is all assuming of course that this guy is the one from back then. You may need to flesh out the past plot more. you could do it through the story or you could just make a whole prologue on it.

Just tossing out ideas. XD

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#3
Old 08-31-2009, 09:09 PM

Okay, that makes sense about the back story, I tend not to develop those very much. I was going to do a POV sort of thing and do one from Dylan's past too.
When I say interested for Victoria it's like "there was a spark in both lookers eyes but had to unlock eyes to fight the way they were fighting".Do you think developing the past as they move into the future would be better if I add that previous quote into the prologue?

Thanks for the ideas, my friends aren't very critical when it comes to reading my stories. xD

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#4
Old 09-01-2009, 10:09 PM

I think you will HAVE to develop the past in order to make the current idea work. not to mention the question lies did he know she was a woman. maybe he was into boys and thought she was one XD

But yes how you do it is your decision but since you are basing the story on reincarnation this would be a good opertunity to mix the two together. simply have them experience things in the present that flashes one or both of them to the past as they find themselves sharing a similar encounter in their other life ... for example sharing a float at an ice cream parlor flashes back to sitting at a campfire sharing rations and talking ... see what i mean? :3

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#5
Old 09-01-2009, 10:16 PM

Yes I believe I do understand. Okay, so I develop the past, then I have flashes of the past in the present. ((Can I do that then post it in this thread?))

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#6
Old 09-01-2009, 11:38 PM

A lot of people edit the first post and re-post the edited story. =]

And if you'd like to establish that he knew she was a woman, you might be able to change the fact that she pretended to be a man.
In the civil war there were women (albeit not many) who would run about the battle field supplying water to the troops. There were also nurses in the civil war that were very close to the action.
That way, he can know her from the war, keep her fiery and determined temperament, and he will have known she was a woman.

Hope that helps.

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#7
Old 09-02-2009, 12:38 AM

Yes it does help thank you. I am going to edit it this weekend once I get a break from school to think.

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#8
Old 09-05-2009, 04:51 AM

I edited the first post.... opinions please?

((it's been more than 5 hours right??))

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#9
Old 09-05-2009, 05:28 AM

Um ... your story is fluctuating from first person to third person... at first you are writing it in third with her coming down the stair and interacting with her mother but by the scene with them touching and her father you are using first person.

You need to stick to one style and keep it otherwise i think it will confuse your readers.

Nice way to patch up the start though with the civil war back ground though, that sounds much better than the original write up. :3

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#10
Old 09-05-2009, 03:31 PM

Okay. So sticking to one point of view makes sense.

I edited it. :yes:

Last edited by Sexy Blue Candy; 09-05-2009 at 03:39 PM..

 


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