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WhiteSerenade
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#1
Old 09-07-2009, 11:49 PM

I guess I'm going to be working on a new project... I just don't quite know the them yet. Something dark and morbid yet something heart enlightening with humor and romance in it. And I still don't know what to name it yet. Oh well. On with the beginning.

The Awful Beginning

Shadows creep, darkness ensues and the only light is the
moon and the reflection of your silhouette dancing off those golden,
predatory eyes. That is all you notice, for all around you are the depths of the dark, twisted-looking trees; yet you only notice those murderous eyes. As you start to back away, you find yourself stuck; frozen with fear. Each breath you take the creature moves foward with its demonic eyes. Its one step away from you and as it reaches for you, you open your mouth to scream, but can't. Nothing will come out. The creature smiles a very wide and very toothy grin, filled with dagger-like teeth and-! That's when everything goes black. No more eyes. No more smile. No more nothing. Just a pure black void.

Now...

Wake up.


---X-x-X---

So how is it so far?

SilverKnightHawk
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#2
Old 09-10-2009, 05:26 AM

It makes me think of a nightmare where you are standing alone in a forest and a wolf is creeping up on you :shock:

I liked it :D

Nolori
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#3
Old 09-12-2009, 12:48 AM

Yay, new people in the Lit. forum!
I’ve always been a little critical of second-person stories, so if I come off a little snappish, I sincerely apologize before hand.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Shadows creep, darkness ensues and the only light is the
I’m not really sure why there’s a paragraph break here. If you were going for a kind of poetic-verse form, then I guess that makes sense, but I still feel like it wasn’t poetic enough to warrant it. Especially since you don’t end at a period or comma or any kind of grammar, and you don’t seem to have done it for anything past the next sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
That is all you notice, for all around you are the depths of the dark, twisted-looking trees; yet you only notice those murderous eyes.
I don’t quite understand how I only notice those eyes, and yet you’re describing the rest of the scene to me. If I’m going to be the main character, and I only see those eyes, I think you should ditch describing the forest scene and continue to go on about the eyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Each breath you take the creature moves foward with its demonic eyes.
This is where I think second-person worked out quite nicely. Rather than describing what I think the world looks like and what I’m doing, which seems a little unfair since I don’t have a say in it, you describe what’s happening to me, and what’s happening around me. It gives me a sense of freedom and more of a sense of being there, instead of feeling like I’m just a puppet here.
[Also, ‘forward’ instead of ‘foward’. Just a little typo. =] ]

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Now...

Wake up.
I think this worked quite nicely! This feels like one of the few places you could make a command to the reader work, and you did it brilliantly.

---
As un-fond as I am of second-person stories (the exception being, of course, choose-your-own adventure stories. But that’s mostly because those tend to be really funny) I actually quite like the way your write. I think you have a good grasp of the ratio of action to description.

That being said, I wish you good luck with this. I always felt that second-person is very difficult to write seriously. I think you did a good job with it when you were describing what’s going on around me rather than describing what I’m doing. (As I explained earlier.)

Good luck!

 


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