Thread Tools

`Nightshade
`Nightshade
170.20
`Nightshade is offline
 
#1
Old 09-20-2009, 07:30 PM

24th October 2008, 1800 hours
Centre of Oceanography and Nautical Research, Alaska, USA

A moment of peace…
Richard Granger reclined in his black leather chair and removed his glasses. It wasn’t easy being the director of a marine technology and monitoring centre on such a large scale as this. He looked longingly at the steaming cup of bliss on his mahogany desk, the aromatic smell of coffee filling his nostrils, begging to be drunk. He’d been waiting for a moment like this for the majority of the day; a moment to himself, were he wasn’t being bombarded by the countless members of his staff asking multitudes of questions that revolved around the field of marine technology and machinery.
Reaching toward the polystyrene container, Granger felt a rush of cool air as the door to his office was pushed open.
“Dr. Granger?” The director suppressed a sigh and replaced his glasses.
“Good evening professor Ralston, how can I be of service?” Director Richard Granger sat straight-backed in his chair and placed his interlocking hands on the polished surface of the desk.
Professor Ralston was the superior analyst of the UMAA (Undersea Monitory of Acoustic Apparatus) department. And she was damn good at it too. The UMAA were responsible for monitoring and analysing data received from hydrophones and sonobuoys distributed in various areas around the globe. Using this equipment, the analysts were able to pinpoint the exact location of any object in that specific area, such as a passing vessel. It was because of this application in particular that meant the military were so highly interested in the organisation.
The woman adjusted her skirt. Granger looked her up and down in adulation. He’d always admired her...He’d often wondered , as she stood there in nervous anticipation, if she knew how much he appreciated not only her work, but also her strong academic presence in his life. Her grey-blue eyes looked up at him through expensive, dark rimmed glasses, animating her exquisitely sharp features. She absent-mindedly brushed a stray piece of auburn hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. Ralston cleared her throat.
“Well, you see…There have been a number of anomalous readings showing up on the North Atlantic sonar monitors. According to the data we have just received, the hydrophones have detected a collection of sub-vessels that are currently unidentifiable, supposedly just off the coast of Iceland.”
The professor stopped and inhaled.
“Basically, what I’m trying to say is, there are a bunch of ‘toys’ out there in that ocean, and they simply aren’t ours.”
Director Granger rose from his seat and once again took off his glasses. He picked up his steaming coffee in a somewhat prolonged manner and sipped at it tentatively, staring at the professor as if trying to make her dissolve. This was not the kind of information that he wanted to hear. Not this early. Not now. A solitary bead of sweat rolled down his temple.
The office was silent.
“Director?”
Whipping out a pristine white handkerchief from his trouser pocket, the director mopped his face nervously. He had to focus on maintaining his cool mask of indifference. If the professor could sense any change in his composure, then that would be it. The entire department would begin to get suspicious. All of his work would be questioned. There'd be a full investigation; and all of the ‘odd’ data from the past year would be discovered for what it was. ‘I won’t allow this to happen.’ He thought to himself with mounting panic.
Granger turned to look out of the immense floor to ceiling window. In the reflection, he could see the mirrored perfection of his office, equipped with an impatient looking woman. He had no time to worry about this now; the professor was awaiting his answer.
Preparing himself, the director cleared his throat.
“Rachel, Rachel. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. The boys from the Department of Submarine Operation and Support have been experimenting with a number of their new...playthings. I imagine that the reason you can’t identify the vessels is that they simply haven’t been processed yet. The scientists were going to leave processing the units until after testing, to avoid another repeat of project 295.”
Professor Ralston nodded in understanding. Project 295 was the worst mistake that the organisation had ever made.
“And in the meantime?”
“In the meantime...” Granger began, steadily navigating his office as he spoke. “Override the system monitors and ensure that the experiments go undetectable. We know that they are there, so it shouldn’t make a difference if they…disappear. Make sure that nobody - and I mean nobody interrupts the experiments. Another catastrophic event on our part and this organisation is finished...Now, Professor Ralston, if you please…”
Granger gestured towards the black office door he had subtly made his way towards. It was a blatant incentive for the professor to leave. Upon exiting, Rachel hesitated momentarily.
“I don’t like this...”
Granger shut the door firmly, leant back with a sigh and returned to his now cold coffee.


*****

`Nightshade
`Nightshade
170.20
`Nightshade is offline
 
#2
Old 09-20-2009, 07:31 PM

24th October 2008, 1830 hours

Professor Ralston rushed up the corridor towards the lift and hammered the button frantically.
“Come on...Come on!” She murmured impatiently. After trying in vain for a few moments more, she turned on her heels and sped towards the stairwell, throwing open the doors and racing up the steps; two at a time. Apart from the echoes of her feet pounding the metal stairs, the complex was still in a sense of complete silence. As she cleared the stairs in group, Ralston made sure to keep a tight hold of the important folder in her arms. Finally reaching the directors floor, she burst through the doors and ran down the corridor. After what seemed like an eternity, she skidded to a halt outside his office. Composing herself, Rachel knocked on the door.
No answer.
He was probably busy... Tough. He’d have to be dead for him not to hear her out. She entered the room. Granger was facing the window; his crop of grey hair just about visible above the leather chair.
“Director!..I...heh...” She spluttered, somewhere between speaking and gasping for breath, as she walked over to his desk.
“I...have...a report...that may...be crucial...to...the company...Director!...”
Granger didn’t turn around. The office was silent. Ralston straightened up and surveyed the room, realising for the first time just how dark it was. On the table in front of her lay an open file. It was empty.
“Richard..?” A sudden feeling of unease overcame her. The deafening silence of the office began to send chills down her spine. Something didn’t feel right. Why wasn’t he answering? Tentatively, she placed a hand on the corner of the executive’s chair. Exhaling slowly, Ralston turned the chair.
Her eyes grew wide in horror. Her body convulsed. Her stomach muscles tightened and she began to wretch violently, rebelling against what was now sitting in the chair. ‘Oh god...oh god...’
The putrid stench of charred flesh burned her nostrils, sending fresh waves of nausea through her body. Her head was spinning wildly but her eyes could not escape the mangled, mutilated mess. Thick droplets of crimson dripped from a crystal tumbler like a spilt drink. The last thing she saw before the darkness overpowered her were Granger’s cold, greying eyes; floating like ice cubes; staring back at her from the crystalline glass.

`Nightshade
`Nightshade
170.20
`Nightshade is offline
 
#3
Old 09-20-2009, 07:36 PM

This is a short story I wrote at some point last year. I can't decide whether or not to carry it on. I have the storyline planned out in my head, however I seem lack the motivation.
If I decide to carry it on in the future, this section of the story would be the prologue, so treat it as if it is one. :3 It's a tad bit long and uneventful, but feedback would be highly appreciated.
Thanks for your time.

P.S. The place it is set is entirely fictional. I made it up. As well as the Undersea Monitory of Acoustic Apparatus department and the Department of Submarine Operation and Support. x3
<3

Last edited by `Nightshade; 09-20-2009 at 07:40 PM..

Nolori
Everyone's Favorite Imaginary Fr...
6899.34
Nolori is offline
 
#4
Old 09-24-2009, 05:29 PM

Hey Nightshade. I usually have something to say before I start, but I can’t think of anything. So let’s get started!

- -
Part 1:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
Centre of Oceanography and Nautical Research, Alaska, USA
This is not something you need to fix per say, but rather a suggestion.
Since it takes place in the USA, I think it would make sense to use to American version of ‘center’. While I don’t mean you need to use American spelling throughout the piece, since it doesn’t matter, I thought it might just make sense for this since it’s the name of the place.
Only a suggestion though. I don’t mind to say it’s wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
…questions that revolved around the field of marine technology and machinery.
I feel like there’s something in this I’m missing. Does this mean he’d really rather be answering questions about something else, or that he just wants alone time? If it’s the latter, I think you can cut everything after ‘questions’ out. We know he’s the director of the place, so it feels kind of redundant to say that he’d be getting questions about the area.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
“Dr. Granger?” The director suppressed a sigh and replaced his glasses.
I think “The director suppressed…” should be its own line, only so there’s no confusion as to who’s asking the question and who’s sighing. While it can be figured out, we don’t really know the character(s) well enough yet to make this kind of assumption without worry we got it wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
“Good evening professor Ralston…
Since Ralston is named, I think ‘professor’ needs to be capitalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
Director Richard Granger sat straight-backed in his chair and placed his interlocking hands on the polished surface of the desk.
I really love this sentence. I just needed to point it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
He’d always admired her...He’d often wondered…
I’m confused as to why there’s ellipses between ‘admired her’ and ‘He’d often’. I think they would work fine as two separate sentences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
“Well, you see…There have been a number of anomalous readings showing up on the North Atlantic sonar monitors.
Usually, when using ellipses between words there is a space after them. The only time I don’t usually use a space is when the ellipses are in between the same word. I.E. “w…what?” and “Well… you know.”
I didn’t point it out in the rest of the piece because I figure if you do change this you know where your ellipses are. =] (Also, I’m lazy.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
Make sure that nobody - and I mean nobody interrupts the experiments.
I think you’re missing the second dash. If you meant to set ‘and I mean nobody’ apart from the rest of the sentence, you need to put a dash after the second ‘nobody’.

- -
Part 2:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
… his crop of grey hair just about visible above the leather chair.
I was under the impression that ‘grey’ was in reference to sadness, like an emotion, and that ‘gray’ was the color. I could be wrong about that though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
...Director!...”
I don’t understand why there are ellipses after “Director!”?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
The office was silent.
I feel like I’ve read this sentence a lot. Could it be changed up a bit?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
“Richard..?”
You forgot a dot for the ellipses here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
Her head was spinning wildly but her eyes…
I’d put a comma after ‘wildly’ since there’s a ‘but’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ’Nightshade
Thick droplets of crimson dripped from a crystal tumbler like a spilt drink.
This is the best sentence I’ve read all day. <3
- -

While I like the dates and times at the beginning, I’m curious as to what they actually are. At first I thought maybe they were records from Richard’s point of view (be it a diary or whatnot), but when it switched views to Rachel, I wasn’t sure anymore. Do we ever find out what they are in the piece?

Otherwise, holy Lord I love this. I really, really hope you write more out. You really had me hooked by the end. I did not see that coming at all.

May I be a motivator? Write it please! <3

`Nightshade
`Nightshade
170.20
`Nightshade is offline
 
#5
Old 09-28-2009, 04:42 PM

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll take your advice into account and begin changes right away.
I am eternally grateful for your help.
:3 This might just be what I need to get my cogs of motivation turning again! I'm getting somewhat excited about writing now. Thanks. ^-^

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts