Star Struck
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves…,”
-Cassius
Shakespeare's Julius Caesar: Act I Scene II


Prologue: Tyranny of Normality

Earth was such a vague memory by now. One hundred and eleven years had passed since the planet was reduced to rubble and pollution. The once beautiful, gorgeous, life-infested planet was now just a dirty hazard passer-bys had to steer around on their way somewhere more important. Few are alive who remember home as it used to be, but none who lived it in her prime. No, the third planet from the star Sol was nothing but a skid mark on solar systems face, destroyed long ago by the inhabitants' own ignorance. Some believe it was a tragedy, some think everyone was just better off. The Goriliaths, a peace-keeping race of beings who stand only a meter tall and have slightly green skin, used to keep tabs on the planet, hoping that the humans would change their self-destructive ways. It was a lost cause, and the Goriliaths project was cut short, leaving the planet to its own destruction.

Nuclear warfare loaded with dangerous radiation, mass-scale pollution, brutal massacres of their own kind, humans were too ignorant to even believe life existed outside their own planet while they waged war on themselves. It was easy for the Ka’an, a powerful dictatorship of slavers to invade the planet and enslave its inhabitants. Humans made for moderate slaves among the many races deemed incapable of sustaining themselves. But humans required too much care and often died off a week or so into their enslavement. Homo-sapiens were always known for their adaptability, and grew used to slave-labor. From mining minerals in the harsh cold ice caverns of Ursing to repairing starships in the docks of space-stations drifting along the Ion-Numaga meteor belt, humans were spread far and thin, and almost thought to be died out. But a fire can be kindled even from the
smallest of embers.

A lot can be learned when you have to repair space ships. From the vast frigates and massive battle cruisers to the light travel ships, and personal freighters, Gyanara Salamanece had definitely made his way around a space craft. He was a human of Earth, sold to the Orion Space Port for a mere 39 kyuks. He was tall, an elegant-looking human. Almost like royalty, he had a pointed chin, high cheekbones, and very pale and fair skin no matter how hard he was beaten or how bright the sun shone as he worked. He was thin, but had very prominent and chiseled muscles from his work. His hair was shorn off at his shoulders and was a snowy white. His eyes were a brilliant violet, and burned with years of pain and fear. Other slaves called him Gyan, or 098 as the slave-mark tattoo on his shoulder indicated. Gyan seemed like most other human slaves, continuing their allowed survival, doing as their told, and never even raising a voice against a slave master. But Gyan had one small difference: In his work of repairing ships, he had learned how to fly them. And he had a plan to escape his life of captivity.

Chapter One: The Daily Grind

Gyan snapped awake in his cell. It was a dank room with no light, so he couldn’t really tell if his eyes were open or closed. He moved and felt the hardened padding that served as his bed stick to his skin. He sat up, even though his muscles protested movement. His eyes were heavy with lack of sleep and his brain rattled with trying to remember ship parts and their functions. There were footsteps echoing the halls, and he closed his eyes and saw the back of his eyelids light up as a harsh voice growled at him. Gyan stood up and felt the cold chains around his neck brush his back. The voice growled again and he stepped forward, keeping his eyes closed to the harsh light. There was a rattling, a slam from his cell door, a rush of cold air washing over his body, and Gyan shuddered as cold scales like sand paper brushed his skin and he felt his neck chain replaced with ankle chains. He shuddered again as a long and smooth tongue brushed over his skin. Then with one more growl, the Ka’an guard led the slave out of his cell.


The slave quarters were in a former brig that they had attached to the Orion Port. Gyan looked at the guard. He was a head shorter than the human, but twice as wide. His skin was dark beige and covered with thick plated scales. The skin under was black, and his two tails drug on the ground behind them. He wore a white cuirass and an ion pistol was slung on his hip belt. An electric baton was in his left three-fingered hand as he held onto the slave chain in his right. He stood still as the reptilian guard chained his feet to a long chain of slaves. Turning his head he saw only twelve or so other slaves in the dim light, much less than the usual. There was another growl and a tug at his chain, and Gyan fell into line. The Ka’an guard lead them out, an ominous silence falling over the slave train . He saw an empty spot in the chains in front of him. Usually Kuthuluu, a bulbous emerald-shaded alien whose only purpose was to eat the grime scraped from ship engines was chained in front of him. Gyan wondered if he was sold, if he died, or if he was moved. It was hard to make friends in slavery, they were so often moved or killed that you often never knew one for more than an Earth year. In about ten minutes the slave chain was brought into a wide open room and noise erupted explosively. The white-haired male flinched and saw the enormous crowd of slaves and their drivers, chunks of grime flung everywhere (coincidently this was the mess hall) and Gyan shut his eyes. He swore silently under his breath; it was breakfast time. His chain was jerked and the line was moved down into the throng.

Down the line, Gyans’ slave line was brought to a halt at a cold steel table. He sat without objection, and not a few seconds later a sloppy pile was flopped in front of him. For the years he had been eating here, the food always made him queasy, but he knew it was all he would get. He used his well-worn hands and ate the mess silently, ignoring all the hubbub, shouting and ruckus amongst the crowd. Silence was golden in slavery, and Gyan remembered it well.

I have to say, brilliant quote you chose. I started reading for that alone. =]
But you might want to add in that it’s Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, just for credit’s sake.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

…but none who lived it in its prime.

I think the ‘it’ between ‘lived’ and ‘in’ is unneeded. Reading aloud, it sounds a bit too repetitive being so close to ‘its’.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

No, the third planet from the star Sol was nothing but a skid mark on solar systems face, destroyed long ago by the inhabitants own ignorance.

‘inhabitants’ should have an apostrophe after the ‘s’.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

…and have slightly green skin used to keep tabs on the planet, hoping that the humans would change their self-destructive ways.

I think you need a comma after ‘skin’. Without it, it sounds a little like they use their green skin to keep tabs. Heh.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

It was a lost cause, the Goriliaths project was cut short and the planet was left to its own destruction.

I think the comma after ‘cause’ should be a semi-colon. It could also be a period if want each to stand as their own sentences.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

Nuclear warfare loaded with dangerous radiation, mass-scale pollution, brutal massacres of their own kind, humans were too ignorant to even believe life outside their own planet.

The ‘humans were too ignorant to even believe life outside their own planet’ doesn’t seem to flow quite right. I think this sentence should be ended differently, tying up the first bit and then place that part in the next sentence.
I also think you should add a word. ‘humans were too ignorant to even believe in life…’ or ‘to even believe life existed outside…’ Something along those lines.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

But humans required too much care and often died off a week or so into their enslavement. But homo-sapiens were always known for their adaptability, and grew used to slave-labor.

I don’t think both sentence should start with ‘but’. I’d delete one of them.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

You learn a lot when you have to repair space ships.

This is the only sentence in the piece where you mention ‘you’. If you don’t do this throughout the piece, then it throws the reader off a bit. Suddenly, instead of being omni-present watchers, we are acknowledged as being present.
While this can work in stories, it’s usually an all or nothing affair. Since you don’t have us, as readers, remarked on elsewhere, I’d strike ‘you’ from the sentence.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

He was tall, an elegant-looking type.

Unless you mean ‘an’ to be ‘and’, I’d replace the comma with a semi-colon.
I’m also not sure ‘type’ is the right word. If you want to use ‘type’, I’d explain a ‘type’ of what? Especially since you have multiple races, which I assume must have different standards of beauty. Perhaps ‘creature’ or ‘being’ or something of the like?

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

The voice growled again and He stepped forward, keeping his eyes closed to the harsh light.

Was ‘He’ intentionally capitalized? If it was, I’m unsure who you’re talking about. I thought it was Gyan, but you haven’t capitalized his pronouns anywhere else.
Otherwise, just a tiny typo.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

Turning his head he saw only about twelve other slaves in the dim light.

I see where you’re going with this, but ‘only about’ doesn’t sound quite right. I’d choose one or the other. If you choose ‘only’, you could say:
‘…saw only twelve or so other slaves…’
If you choose ‘about’:
‘…saw about twelve other slaves in the dim light. Much lower than usual.’
Or something along those lines.

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

Another growl and a tug at his chain, and Gyan fell into line, the Ka’an guard leading them out.

I think this might be better served broken up into two sentences, with a period after ‘…Gyan fell into line.’

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

Usually Kuthuluu, a bulbous emerald-shaded alien…

If this was a reference to mighty Chthulu, like I think it is, you just made my day. <3

Originally Posted by Mr.Giggles

He swore silently under his breath, it was breakfast time.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon or colon. Either would work, I think.

--

You’re looking for more ideas to move the story along as well, right?

If you’re into this sort of thing, this would be a brilliant place to put some misdirection. With all the ruckus going on, it would be easier to make an allusion to a large plot point, while throwing the flash and dazzle someplace else. That way, when said plot point shows up later it won’t be out of the blue. It will also serve as a fun re-read. So the reader can go, “Duh! How did I miss that!”

If you’re looking for more concrete ideas, you might have Gyan overhear a conversation (or pieces of a conversation) about Kuthuluu and the rumors that are surely surrounding his disappearance. Even if this sort of thing is common, people usually like to gossip.
Of course, I’m a little biased because I adore Chthulu. But hey, it’s an idea, yeah? Haha.

Overall, I really liked reading this. You have a wonderful grasp of vocabulary and that makes it fun to read. You also introduced us to these odd creatures with as much showing as telling, which helped with the immersive feel and helped to negate the obvious initial reactions of, “What?”

The very beginning felt a bit too much like a soap-box for me, but I get the feeling that sharing these views was your intention. So I can’t fault you for it. (Also, it was very well written, which was enough to get me to read it all anyway.)

If neither of my suggestions give you anything to work off of, could I bother you to explain a bit more of the story so that I can be of more use in the ‘where to go’ department?

Hope you find your inspiration!

Actually, I wasn't expecting a proof-read as it's a rough draft I plucked from my notes, but I thank you very much for it anyway :D I've fixed everything you posted, thank you so much!

And I'm so glad you caught the Chthulu reference, I wasn't sure if anyone else would have. Thank you very much for the ideas, I do believe I'll continue to write this and post it here ^_^" And you are very welcome to add any kind of ideas or anything you wish to at all :3 any and all help is appreciated ^_^

No problem! I'm glad to be of help! I hope the next part comes soon! =]

Also, I'm surprised so few people know who Chthulu is. I giggled like a school-girl when I read it. Hehe.

Wow that's a beautiful quote