um..... hi my first, well second post and the first storie i have written in years. Hopefully i got all the spelling mistake, Stylewriter should have got alot of them out along with proof reading. Well enjoy and feel free to give creatative feedback if you want. I want to improve my writing alot.

Chelsea

by Mitsunari

He leaded against the glass bus shelter gazing into the sky as he waited, alone again. It was the same routine every night. Go to the library stay to closing and then make his way home to his empty house. There was no excitement in his life, he had no friends he just lived the same boring existent.

‘How I wish I could live a different life’ He though as he looked down to see the last bus drive past, ignoring the stop. With a sigh he turned away and started the long walk home. He had no idea how different his life was about to become.
It was two hours later when he reached the small dead-end avenue that he lived on. The street was quite around this time. The only lights came from the street lamps, the only sounds made from distant cars. It wasn’t until he reached the front door of number twelve that he noticed something different.

It was an unfamiliar sound a sobbing sound. It was the low weeping of tears beneath the starless night. He stopped listening for a moment before leaving his front garden. He walked down the street following the sound of the crying to the alleyway at the bottom of the road. It was then that he found her.

A young woman huddled against the brick wall. Her dark brown almost black hair shone form the streetlights. Her skin was pale and appeared almost as white as bones he though as he crouched down beside her.

“Excusing me, is everything ok?” He asked wondering who this young woman was he had never seen anyone like her around here before.

The woman looked up tears continuing to fall from her haunted blue eyes. She wore a nervous puzzled expression, on her face. It’s now he noticed that her cloths had been ripped and there was blood all the way down her shirt.
“Where you attacked?” He quickly asked looking at the blood. It looked fresh whatever happened to the girl it couldn’t have happened more than a couple of hours ago.

The woman shook her head slowly as she tried to speak, “I… I… don’t… remember! I… think…. I’ve lost something… something… something very important to me” she said crying harder than ever now.

He watched her for a few moments before holding out his hand. “My name Mark.” He said introducing himself to her whist the young woman took his hand and allowed herself to be help up from the ground. As they held hands there was something strange in the area. Clasping there hands felt like they had done this before. Mark looked into her eyes and despite the tears he though he saw a glimmer of happiness in her eyes.

Mark led the woman inside and took her into the living room. She looked calmer now like being inside was some comfort to her. That she felt at home as she sat on the leather sofa facing the blank TV screen. Was it all in his imagination Mark though as her left her alone wondering what to-do next? “Call the police, let them sort it?” Mark though. It seemed like the best solution to the problem.
Mark picked the phone up and dialed 999. There was no response just a low hum in the background, like the phone line was dead. Putting the phone down he tried his mobile, no signal.

“Ahh!” Mark heard followed by the sound of tumblerlling books hitting the hard wooden floor. He rushed back in to see the young woman sitting on the floor surrounded by the books that were staked on top of the bookcase.

“What are you doing?” He asked surveying the mess the young woman had made in his living room.

The young woman turned to face him tears falling from them soft blue eyes once again. “Lo…look..ing for wha…t I’ve lost” she slowly said.

The young woman was shaking seeming scared as she sat among the pile of books. She reached down and opened one of the books up, it was a library book with a return date for tomorrow written inside. “I… remember this” the woman softly said as she stood and looked Mark in the eyes.

“What do you remember?” he asked quizzical

“This…” said the woman as she walked out of the living room and into the dining room at the back of the house. She seemed to know her way around the building mark though to him as he followed her. Was it possible? She couldn’t have been inside his house before. He only met her half and hour back.

The woman stopped in front of the fireplace in the dining room. She placed her fingers down on the wooden mantle gripping it and then her other hand against the wallpaper behind it.

“Something’s missing, something’s different!” Said the young woman bring her hand up and holding it against her heart. Once again she looked like she was about to cry.

“What’s different?”

“There…. There… was a photo… and” The woman then fell to the ground holding her face in her hands. She was shaking again, the tears falling once more. She seemed distressed like something from her past had just been reviled in her mind. Mark knelt down at the side of her and softly stroked her hair as she pulled him close, crying now in his arms.

The warmth from her body was strange and yet familiar to him, as was the sound of the soft teardrops rolling down her cheek and onto his shirt. ‘Was this real?’ He though to him while the woman pulled herself closer to cuddle up against him.

“I… Remember,” she said her voice, starting to tremble. “I… Remember… The words that were said to me and my heartbreaking… I remember falling to the ground, and the blood as the knife ripped at my body like…….. Like the wound that was stabbed right into my heart.” And then she stopped talking it’s like she didn’t want to continue with her own words.

Mark sat speechless at her comment. What had happened to her and who had broken her heart? Why did she find comfort in the arms of a stranger? All these questions that ran though his head. He tried to look her into her eyes once more. Make her feel welcoming and comforting and try to be understanding towards her.
“Who broke you’re heart? How did they do it? You can trust me you know?” He asked moving his hand towards her face and softly wiping the tears away from her eyes.

The young woman stared into her eyes and replied with a brave smile. “He told me, his love has died and with them words my world ended.” With them words she pulled him down towards her their noses brushed against each other as she leaded him in to kiss.

“You never told me who?” Mark asked trying to pull himself away from her. He could feel his heart racing and he wanted to kiss her but he knew he shouldn’t. Her heart was broken in two and his lust would only make it worst. Her next words made him freeze however.

“You did” she said in a low voice as she pushed him to the ground and positioned herself on top and then gently pressed her lips against his softly kissing him while her tears continued to fall. Mark found himself unable to move laying under her body. He kissed her back without thinking about it, everything in this whole night had felt so strange to him. Mark moved his arms around her and then his mind fell blank.

************************************************

He awoke the next morning with the sun on his face. He stood up and looked around but found no trace of the young woman. ‘Was it real? Perhaps it was all a dream?’ He asked himself as he looked at his soft green eyes reflected in the mirror. Everything had felt real, but it all seemed fuzzy in his head.

He moved over to the telephone and picked up the handset. The buzzing sound from the dialling tone, the phone lines were back up. As he moved though the house retracing the steps he took with the young woman last night everything seems normal until he found his way into the living room.

The books were back on top of the bookshelf, all but one of the books that remand on the floor. Mark walked to the book picking it up and he knew he had only seen this once before. It was a library book, the book from last night the one the woman remembered and one that he couldn’t explain how he came to hold it.
Mark turned the cover and read the title of the book “Amante di fantasma.” He placed the book in his bag planning to return it to the library when he visited as usually later in the evening.

************************************************

He reached the library in the early evening as he normally did. The book safely in his library bag and approached the return desk where he heard a familiar voice talking to the librarian on reception.

“I’m looking for a book, named Amante di Fantasma” asked a young woman with soft dark brown hair. Mark froze looking at her, he knew who she was. She was a younger version of the same woman from the night before. The same young woman he had in his house and the same woman that kissed him in what he though was his dream. Mark stood staring at her speechless was this real? He kept running the nights events though his head until he was woke from this daydream by the librarian.

“I’m sorry Mrs But our records show there is only one copy of the book and it’s currently out.” Hearing these words he mark reached into his bag and approached the two woman saying “excuse me” before he placed the book on the desk in front of the young woman from his dream.

“Well I guess we’ve found you’re book, I’ll just process it for you then Mrs” the librarian said taking the book away into the back.

The young woman turned and looked at him with the same innocent smile she had used the night before. “Hi my name is Chelsea, thanks you’re a lifesaver. I don’t know what I would have done without that book. I need it for a project on my creative writing.” She said to him holding out her had for him to take. Mark clasped it and returned the warm smile and as they looked at each other he knew that last night was no dream.

Mark and Chelsea have become lovers now but the memories of that night haunted his dream. Her crying and her broken heart, he promised himself he wouldn’t become that man and leave her that way. The photo of the two of them sits in the dining room and that fatefully book sits on top of the bookshelf to remind him of the past and that night they shared

Hey there Mitsunari! Glad to hear you’ve taken up the pen again!
---

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He leaded against the glass…

‘leaned’ instead of ‘leaded’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…waited, alone again.

I like the idea of the sentence, but I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Go to the library stay to closing and then make his way home to his empty house.

I’d add a comma after ‘library’, since the sentence is a little like a list.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

There was no excitement in his life, he had no friends he just lived the same boring existent.

I’d add a comma after ‘friends’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The street was quite around this time.

‘quiet’ instead of ‘quite’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The only lights came from the street lamps, the only sounds made from distant cars.

I really, really like this sentence. The fragments add a really nice effect. But instead of a comma, I’d make it a new sentence or add a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

It was an unfamiliar sound a sobbing sound.

I’d put a semi-colon after the first ‘sound’.
“It was an unfamiliar sound; a sobbing sound.”

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He stopped listening for a moment before leaving his front garden.

I think maybe you mis-wrote this sentence. If he stopped listening, why did he go towards the sound? Did he start listening again?

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

A young woman huddled against the brick wall.

I’m not sure why this sentence is a fragment. I think ‘There was a young woman…’ or ‘A young woman was huddled…’ would flow easier.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Her skin was pale and appeared almost as white as bones he though as he crouched down beside her.

I think you mean ‘thought’ instead of ‘though’. I also think this sentence needs to be broken up some. It seems to run together and be confusing without any punctuation.
“Her skin was pale and appeared almost as white as bones, he thought, as he crouched down beside her.”
I also think, if you’d like, that you can cut out ‘he thought’ and talk about his crouching down beside her in the next sentence. Mostly because if he’s thinking it, you wouldn’t use the word ‘was’, but ‘is’.
So there’s a couple ways to fix the sentence to flow a little better.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“…is everything ok?”

‘okay’ is the technically correct term. ‘O.K.’ also works, but it looks a little funny written.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He asked wondering who this young woman was he had never seen anyone like her around here before.

Here’s another sentence that’s a little convoluted. I’d put a comma after ‘he asked’ and a period after ‘was’.
“He asked, wondering who this young woman was. He had never seen anyone like her around here before.”

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The woman looked up tears…

I’d add a comma after ‘up’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…expression, on her face.

I don’t think you need the comma.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

It’s now he noticed that her cloths had been ripped…

I’d use “That’s when” rather than “It’s now” so it keeps with the past tense.
Also, I think you meant ‘clothes’ rather than ‘cloths’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

It looked fresh whatever happened...

I think a semi-colon belongs after ‘fresh’,
“It looked fresh; whatever…”

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…something very important to me” she said crying harder than ever now.

You need some kind of punctuation after ‘me’, and a comma after ‘said’. I think you can drop ‘now’, since it doesn’t sound quite right in a past tense story.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“My name Mark.”

‘is’ should go between ‘name’ and ‘Mark’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He said introducing himself to her whist the young woman took his hand…

A comma should go after ‘said’.
And did you mean ‘whilst’? ‘Whist’ is a card-game.
If you did mean ‘whilst’, while I like the word, it seems an old word that doesn’t quite fit with everything else. I’d alter it to ‘while’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

As they held hands there was something strange in the area.

Strange in the area or strange between them?

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…he though he saw a glimmer of happiness in her eyes.

‘thought’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Mark led the woman inside and took her into the living room.

His living room? Living room where?

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

That she felt at home as she sat on the leather sofa facing the blank TV screen.

The ‘that’ at the beginning of the sentence throws me off a little. Could it be “she seemed to feel at home…”?

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Was it all in his imagination Mark though as her left her alone wondering what to-do next?

I think you need a comma after ‘imagination’ and ‘thought’. I also think you can change the question mark to a period.
“Was it all in his imagination, Mark thought, as…”
[The ‘though’ should be ‘thought’. And ‘her’ should be ‘he’.]

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“Call the police, let them sort it?” Mark though.

I don’t understand why his thoughts are in quotations now and not in the rest of the piece.
[‘thought’]

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Putting the phone down he tried his mobile, no signal.

I’d add a comma after ‘down’. And instead of the comma after ‘mobile’ I’d put a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Mark heard followed by the sound of tumblerlling books hitting the hard wooden floor.

I’d add a comma after ‘heard’. And I think you meant ‘tumbling’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He asked surveying the mess the young woman had made in his living room.

‘He asked, surveying…’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“I… remember this” the woman softly said as she stood and looked Mark in the eyes.

You need some kind of punctuation after ‘this’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“What do you remember?” he asked quizzical

Quizzically? I think you could drop it and just end it at ‘asked’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

She seemed to know her way around the building mark though to him as he followed her.

‘…building, Mark thought, as…’
I’m not really sure what ‘to him’ is there for.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He only met her half and hour back.

‘half-an-hour’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Mark knelt down at the side of her and softly stroked her hair…

I think you could change it to ‘at her side and softly…’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

‘Was this real?’ He though to him while the woman…

‘thought’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

I remember falling to the ground, and the blood as the knife ripped at my body like……..

You only need three ‘dots’ for ellipses.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

And then she stopped talking it’s like she didn’t want to continue with her own words.

I don’t think you need this sentence. The reader can pretty much tell that this is hard for her to talk about.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

All these questions that ran though his head.

I don’t think you need ‘that’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He tried to look her into her eyes once more. Make her feel welcoming and comforting and try to be understanding towards her.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“Who broke you’re heart? … You can trust me you know?”

‘your’. And the second sentence either needs to be altered into a period, or you should add a comma after ‘me’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“He told me, his love has died and with them words my world ended.”

I’m not sure why she continues to mention the man who broke her heart as ‘him’ when she knows it’s Mark.
And instead of ‘them words’ it should be ‘those words’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

With them words she pulled him down towards her their noses brushed against each other as she leaded him in to kiss.

‘those words’. I think you should end the sentence at ‘her’ and start a new one at ‘their’.
“With those words she pulled him down towards her. Their noses…”

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“You never told me who?”

I think it should be a period instead of a question mark.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

… kiss her but he knew he shouldn’t.

A comma should be after ‘her’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Her next words made him freeze however.

I don’t think this sentence is needed. The ‘you did’ comes as a much bigger surprise without it.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“You did”

You need some kind of punctuation after ‘did’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He kissed her back without thinking about it, everything in this whole night had felt so strange to him.

Instead of a comma, I’d use a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

************************************************

You really only need three.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

He stood up and looked around but found no trace of the young woman.

There should be a comma after ‘but’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

‘Was it real? Perhaps it was all a dream?’

I don’t know why there are single quotations for his thoughts here, when they aren’t anywhere else.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The buzzing sound from the dialling tone, the phone lines were back up.

I think you need to fix the fragment. “There was a buzzing sound…” I also think the comma should be a semi-colon.
[Also, it’s a dial-tone rather than a dialing-tone.]

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…seems normal until he found his way into the living room.

I think you should use ‘seemed’ instead of ‘seems’ to keep with the past-tense instead of switching to present.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The books were back on top of the bookshelf, all but one of the books that remand on the floor.

This sentence contradicts itself. Are all the books back except that one, or are all of them on the floor except one?
[Also, ‘remained’ instead of ‘remand’.]

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…to the library when he visited as usually later in the evening.

I don’t think this sentence is needed since it’s stated rather nicely in the next.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

************************************************

Like I said above, you only really need three.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

The book safely in his library bag and approached the return desk…

I think the first part of this sentence is missing the word ‘with’. I don’t really know why ‘and’ is here if you’re using a fragment to begin the sentence.
“With the book safely in his library bag, he approached…’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…in what he though was his dream.

‘thought’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Mark stood staring at her speechless was this real?

I’d add a comma after ‘speechless’.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…until he was woke from this daydream by the librarian.

‘woken’

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

“I’m sorry Mrs But our records show…

Mrs. is the beginning of a name, Miss is what’s used to address women whose marital status is either single or unknown. You could also use ‘Ms.’ if you’re going to state her last name: “Ms. Smitherson” for example.
For Miss, you don’t need a last name.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

Hearing these words he mark reached…

You don’t need both ‘he’ and ‘Mark’. One or the other would be great.

Originally Posted by Mitsunari

…I’ll just process it for you then Mrs”

Miss or Ms. like I said previously.
--
This ends really abruptly. A little too abruptly, I think.

I also think that you should tell us a little more about how odd this is from his perspective. Even if this felt ‘right’ to me, I think I’d be a little more freaked out by a sobbing person who kept wanting to get on me.

As a few general grammar rules, you’re going to want to add a comma before ‘but’ and after anything like ‘He said,’ or ‘She asked,’.

Also, ‘though’ is as in ‘although’ and ‘as though’. ‘Thought’ is the past tense of ‘too think’.

Otherwise it’s a very interesting piece and a concept that I think was a very interesting idea to delve into!

Ok thanks for the feedback. Glad to see most of it is about my bad grammer. I should be getting a program named dragon dictate soon, I've used it when when writting essays in the past to counter act my dislexia. Hopefully that can route out the bad spelling when i write.