Just some background:

This is only a few paragraphs on the whole story. Depending on the replies I get, I'll start showing the rest.

The story pretty much revolves around two twins. Melor and Melia. I only have about 3 or 4 chapters written out, for my own reasons. But yeah. Let know what you guys think please ^_^


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Melia woke up to the rays on the orange-red sun glaring at her lightly tanned face. In the room of silence her alarm began its usual ringing of what news had been on with Miss Spears. It was strange how she would awake before the sound of the clock. Her crimson-amethyst eyes fixed themselves on the clock. Barbarically she took her hand out from under the covers and slammed the clock, only to have it disintegrate all over her side table. Once again Malia had accidentally used her skill to smash apart another clock.

Slowly Melia kicked the blanket from her feet. Her vision blurred as her head lifted off the feather soft pillow. Weak legs brought the light body to a standing position. Melia waked out of the room as the smashed clock began to repair itself.
Melia walked out of her bedroom and strait into the bathroom. There she took her shower, and wrapped a fluffy towel around her waist. The crimson-amethyst eyes began to fix themselves into a perfect view of her surroundings. Her apartment seemed quiet. Most so than usual. It appeared she was alone again, not that she wasn't used to it. She took a quick turn into her bedroom again and dropped the towel to the floor. Instantly the frost hit her skin.

She stepped into her walk-in closet and closed the door behind her. There was a full wall of the average Gothic Lolita dresses, corsets, and even a few plan black shirts. Melia walked among the racks of dresses before choosing one. It was black of coarse, and decorated with belts and two chains. It only fell to her knee.
Easily slipping on the dress, Melia walked out of the closet and looked at herself in the mirror. Picking up two ribbons, Melia tied her plum hair back. Half up in a pony tail, half down flowing behind her. She looked at her Clock once more and noticed a note on the side table. Not wasting a second she opened it and it read;

come to the church in the old woods at nightfall my dear
love: him


As the young women finished up, she laced her heels up and started towards the door. On the way out she grabbed her phone, some chap stick, and her gun. Not wasting a minute longer, Melia began to walk outside the door and onto the busy streets of her beloved city

Hi Black||Ash,
I hope whatever your ‘own reasons’ are, they aren’t something too bad. If it is something unpleasant, I hope it gets better soon.

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Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Melia woke up to the rays on the orange-red…

I think ‘on’ should be ‘of’.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Barbarically she took her hand…

There should be a comma after ‘Barbarically’.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Once again Malia had accidentally used her skill to smash apart another clock.

I think by having both ‘once again’ and ‘another clock’, it seems a little redundant. I think you only need to have one of the two to establish that this is a reoccurring event.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Melia waked out of the room as the smashed clock began to repair itself.

I’m a little confused, was the clock smashed or disintegrated? If it’s disintegrated, is it repairing itself atom by atom?

I’m also a little confused about the nature of the clock. You say that she’s broken lots of clocks, but this one repairs itself. Does that mean that she’s broken this multiple times, or that this auto-repairing clock is a new thing?

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

…and strait into the bathroom.

‘straight’ instead of ‘strait’. A ‘strait’ is the term for a thin waterway. =]

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Most so than usual.

‘More so’ instead of ‘Most so’?

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

She took a quick turn into her bedroom again…

‘again’? I understand you’re going for a sense of repetition throughout the piece, but I feel like there’s a lot of ‘again’s. I think you can delete this one.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

Instantly the frost hit her skin.

You should have a comma after ‘Instantly’.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

It was black of coarse…

Wrong ‘coarse’. ‘Coarse’ is to say something is thick and/or heavy. ‘Course’, while also used to signify a path, is used in ‘of course’. =]

This might flow easier if you set apart ‘of course’ entirely:
“It was black, of course,…”

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

She looked at her Clock…

Is there a reason ‘Clock’ is capitalized?

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

…and it read;

While I’m not sure if a semi-colon is actually wrong, usually a colon is used to begin a letter, note or other sort of document.

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

As the young women finished up, she laced her heels up and started towards the door.

I don’t know anything about Gothic Lolita fashion, (my Lolita knowledge ends at the actually book, heh) but I have a hard time picturing someone lacing up heels rather than the shoes themselves. Is there a picture of that? It sounds funky. =]

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

On the way out she grabbed her phone, some chap stick, and her gun.

A Lolita dress, heels and a gun? Is there any particular reason for this that’s explained later on? I’m only curious because if someone is carrying a gun (and therefore expecting trouble), it seems like they’d be wearing something easy to move it.
(Unless the person is undercover or some such. I’m just curious as to why this is.)

Originally Posted by BLACK||ASH

…and onto the busy streets of her beloved city

You need some kind of punctuation at the end of the sentence. =]
--

It’s hard to really form an opinion of the piece since this only the very, very beginning. But I think it could be interesting.

My only overall suggestion was that the piece felt very detached. Was that intentional? We have a line or two of what seems to be introspect into her life/personality, (with “…not that she wasn't used to it.”) but for the most part we don’t get very much to work with to form an opinion of whether we (as the readers) actually like Melia or not. I think some personality and introspect in this piece, especially since we have just met Melia, would be great.

I hope you keep at it! And if not at this piece, then with something else. It seems like you’ve got stories in you. =]

Perfect. You have helped me a lot. For that, I'll do some explaining. ^_^

~The 'my reasons' part was just because I am very shy when it comes to my writing.
~I am very bad with spelling and punctuation. Not to mention i wrote this part years ago, to yeah. Still have to touch it up in many places before I hand it in.

~I want people to be in mystery about Melia. I'm very happy that you are left with many questions.

~Melia is the twin sister of another character, Melor. The were originality used for a myspace roleplay. The idea was to get a bunch of people, and make them into a family. Thous Vengance was born. (Spelled wrong on purpose. I do not remember why.)

~The clock is a semi lead in. You see, Melia has the power of disintegration. The ability to disintegrate matter through touch. She can also bring them back at times. A clock is just small enough. The guns are just her weapons. The 'family' was always under attack.

Here is a good pic of what they look like. http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u...0218_make1.jpg

Were there any other questions? I may have forgotten in reading your response.

I think you got 'em all. =]

As for being in mystery about Melia, I think you still left a bit to be desired. While I'm curious about her, I feel like I'm so detached from her that the curiosity is only passing. If you could put something in about her thoughts or (if you want to keep away from her personal thoughts/feelings) put in actions that would give us an idea of her personality.

Right now, everything is pretty basic about her morning (with the exception of the clock and her clothes, I guess, but I don't know if that kind of clothing is common anywhere). I think the reader could connect to Melia more if she showed some reactions to things.

Let's take the clock for example. This kind of thing must be common to her by now. So does she sigh in frustration? Grumble? Smash her fist on the desk out of spite?
Or her being alone: Yes, she's used to it. But does it still hurt her at all? Does she still worry? Is she acutely not worried?
Even the most basic things, like her taking a shower, can have a personal feel to it. Does she sing in the shower? Does she take quick showers? Does she have to wipe the water off the door before she's done?

It's little things like this that can add a lot of personality to a character. The mystery remains because we don't know why she acts like this.
I hope that made sense. =]


For the clock, may I suggest writing a bit more about it? I think it would clear up confusion if you had a line that was something about "Dust swirled about, reforming the clock". Or something to that effect. That way, we see that she has actually disintegrated the thing instead of just thinking the author has used a colorful metaphor.

I see. Looks like i have some re-writing to do. Thank you very much again. You have helped me a lot^^