I love details! Let’s get to reading!
What class was this for, if I may ask? I really love the concept of the assignment (what you posted of it, anyway). I really want your teacher! Haha!
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
…vibrant moonlit rays illuminated every rift and path way of the forbidden valley.
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‘path ways’ is usually one word: ‘pathways’
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
…embrace of their moonlit marvels.
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Since you’re going for lots of detail, I suggest changing this ‘moonlit’ to something else. Only because you used it in the first sentence.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Hair the color of midnight swayed against the wind taunting it, as if to say it was free of its capture-its playful caress.
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This sentence confused me. I got the general idea of it, but the grammar seemed off enough to make it convoluted. Perhaps add a comma after ‘wind’? And the ‘free of its capture-its playful caress’ didn’t seem to flow as well as it could. ‘Capture’ and ‘playful caress’ don’t seem similar enough to relate to the same thing at the same time.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Pale porcelain hands once cold from the dew, warmed as the sun reached higher into the slate blue sky above.
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I’d add in a comma after ‘hands’. “Pale porcelain hands, once cold from the dew, warmed…’ it sets the thought apart a little more.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Suddenly like an unwanted guest, pain bloomed in the deepest recesses of the girl’s thundering heart.
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I’d add a comma after ‘suddenly’ to set apart the thoughts.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Tears sprang forth-clouding her vision and plump full lips tensed into a frown.
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I’d change the hyphen to a comma or semi-colon. If you want to keep the hyphen, you need to put a space between it and the words. Without the space, it’s like you’re trying to connect the two words, which I don’t think was your intent.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Even surrounded by the calming beauty of this secluded place- she could not elude the pain.
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I think the hyphen could be dropped altogether. I don’t think you even need a comma there.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Displaying a regal sense of grace; highly uncommon in one so young, the girl arose from her spot amongst the oddly colored green lilies and lightly perfumed roses, that only bloomed under the glow of lunar rays.
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While ‘arose’ and ‘rose’ mean the same thing, I think ‘rose’ would suit the situation better. This sentence is also something of a run-on. It starts out being about her standing up and moves on to being about the flowers. I’d split the two thoughts up.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Glancing one last time at the forbidden valley- she imprinted the serene display into her memories.
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I’d change the hyphen to a semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
The wind caressed her cheek, swirling about her midnight colored locks, whispering sweet reminders in her ears.
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I like the ‘sweet reminders’ bit. I like having a sound to add to the visual picture. My suggestion here isn’t an edit so much as an opinion. You use the word ‘swirling’ a lot. I suggest changing some of them to a synonym.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Seemingly harmless this valley masked it’s over whelming danger behind a very charming facade.
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‘Seemingly harmless’ either needs a comma to separate it, or needs to be put elsewhere in the sentence. ‘Over whelming’ could also be a hyphenated word: over-whelming.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Even in such picturesque surroundings phantoms and gruesome creatures haunt the darkened pathways, hidden along the horizon they are shrouded between the denial of their existence and the curiosity of humanity.
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This sentence feels like it goes on more than it needs to. I suggest breaking it up after ‘haunt the darkened pathways’.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
She knew for those who dared the ghastly trek through the Ritarhuna mountain range- or dwelled within its boundaries for to long, encountered these dangerous fiends.
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I can see that you tried to set apart the thoughts here, but you need to pick punctuation and stick with it. Either put a hyphen after ‘long’ where the comma is, or put a comma before ‘or’ where the hyphen is.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Hiding behind faces of immeasurable beauty and allure-these fiends enchant the desires and inflame the darkened passions harbored within.
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I suggest a comma in place of the hyphen.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Those who bare such misfortune to come across one of these fiends would pay the horrid price-in the only currency they demanded-Blood.
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I like that you set apart the though with two hyphens, but you should add a space after ‘price’ and one before ‘blood’. And, the way the sentence is written now, ‘Blood’ doesn’t need to be capitalized. However, if you change the sentence so that it ends after ‘demanded’, ‘Blood’ can be its own sentence and keep the punch that comes with capitalization.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“Rosette!! Roseeette!! You bloody child, where are you?? Oh my poor nerves they won’t stand for this!! How could she do this to an old woman like me? Blasted”
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I’m not a huge fan of multiple exclamation points or question marks. A single one will give the same effect and seem a bit more like a regular book. ‘Blasted’ also doesn’t have any punctuation. Why not move one of those exclamation points over there? =]
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Passersby’s gave looks of astonishment as they harmlessly eavesdropped into her rants..
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I don’t understand why they are astonished. Surprised by the outburst I could understand, but I’ve heard people ranting like that to themselves enough that I’m not really astonished by it anymore. Are such rants in public uncommon in her world?
(Also, there is an extra period at the end of the sentence. Just a little mistake. =] )
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Dingy unkempt stands and weather worn stores make up the majority of the Nightingale bazaar.
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You tend to dance along the edge of past or present tense. It would be more fluent to read if you picked one and stuck with it all the way through.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Narrowly avoiding an accident with a rushed carriage driver, the woman zigzagged frantically never taking into consideration where she was at.
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There should be a comma after ‘frantically’.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
She called out into every back alleyway and store front.
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Having ‘out’ and ‘into’ right next to each other seems like they negate each other. You could drop ‘out’ completely, but if you don’t want you, you may consider finding another word.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Merchants swindled eager would-be customers through cunning words and hard bargains-feverishly trying to sell everything they had.
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I’d change the hyphen to a comma.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
White paint once a vibrant hue had dulled and taken on grayish color.
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I’d set ‘once a vibrant hue’ apart from the sentence with commas. (Or hyphens if you wish.)
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Rusty colored mud speckled the lower sides of the walls and had become hard under the sun’s golden light, giving it an overall tarnished look.
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I feel like I’ve heard ‘golden light’ (or ‘golden rays’) quite a bit. Could you throw in some synonyms in its place once and a while?
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“Oh Nicolas-Nicolas!! Good day!!” Slightly startled by the greeting the man looked around the market place.
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Pointing out the extra exclamation points again.
Since it’s not the man who’s talking, I suggest putting the ‘slightly startled’ on its own line. That way no one mistakes the voice talking for Nicolas’.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“Nicolas, I’m right here!! This way-near the street! It’s Catherine!” Once Nicolas heard the name a smirk appeared upon his face.
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My comments here are the exact same that I wrote for the above.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“Oh my, oh my, what is this? It’s the lovely Madam Catherine! What brings you down this way? ... And at such an early hour too.”
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I don’t understand the point of the ellipses here. I suspect he’s pausing, but why?
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Finally at the front of the cabin, Madam Catherine could clearly make out the brightly inscribed “Nicolas’s Mystical Herb Tonics”- It was the only thing that looked new in or out of the entire store.
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I think you could drop the hyphen altogether and just make ‘It was…’ its own sentence.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“Oh my Catherine, there you are! What is this, a confession of secret love for Nicolas? Why I never would have guessed. ” a light enchanting voice interjected.
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‘a’ should be capitalized.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Jumping slightly at the interruption, a blushing Madam Catherine swirled around to see the object of her search trying to contain- and failing miserably, a laugh.
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Another well set apart thought that you need to keep a consistent punctuation on. Comma or hyphen.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
“ROSETTE!! Where have you BEEN? And and… You know... It’s not like that!!! I’ve been looking all over for you, working up my nerves and you have the gall to laugh at me?”
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Just pointing out the extra punctuation.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Narrowing her emerald colored eyes Catherine began to.
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I think you missed something in this sentence. I don’t understand it.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
…he was more toned then anything else.
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Something about this part of the sentence is unlike the style you’ve been writing everything else in. I think it could be dropped. Re-worded if you like.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Even though he was nearing mid-thirties, the years had been kind to him-he still had the face of a twenty year old; clear of blemishes and untouched by wrinkles.
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I think the hyphen could be replaced by a semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
His hair was like hers; midnight colored yet took on a silky, healthy hue.
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‘Midnight’ is another word you seem to use quite a bit. Raven as a synonym maybe?
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Yet there was something off about him, an underlying feeling he gave off that made her naturally shy away.
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I like the idea, but I think the word ‘off’ could be replaced to ‘strange’ or ‘odd’.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
The uncomfortable pain had seemed to wane; it was still there hiding beneath her pulse-only now it was bearable.
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I think the ‘only now it was bearable’ could be dropped. It seems a bit redundant.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Colors became vibrant and captivating- sights and sounds became blurred and muffled causing a disorientated view of the market, yet her sense of self increased.
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I love the feeling this evokes, but I don’t entirely understand what ‘her sense of self’ is. It can mean quite a few things depending on whose writing it.
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
On the ground broken pottery of redden clay made it treacherous to walk, for the tiny razor sharp pieces could get lodged in a foot or in some cases pierce all the way through a sandal’s sole.
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Did you mean ‘lodged in a shoe’? I figure if it’s in a foot it already made it through the sandal, yeah?
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Originally Posted by Laurelee
Powerless to stop her frantic thoughts, Madam Catherine began to shake Rosette, trying to wake the dazed girl from whatever had taken over.....
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I’m confused as to who ‘her’ is referring to in the first part of the sentence.
I also believe that the ellipses at the bottom only needs three dots.
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Overall, I like the detail. I don’t think it’s too much, rather I think it’s just too smooshed together. The more you spread details out, the easier they are too read and the longer it will take someone to think “geeze there’s a lot of detail.’
I liked how you really made us see and feel the areas Rosette was in. You might also try editing some of the detail to change some of these sights to smells or sounds. Just to shake things up a bit.
You use hyphens quite a bit, which I mentioned as edits above. While using hyphens isn’t wrong, per say, it is often used more to set apart a piece of a sentence rather than in the place of a semi-colon or comma.
When you do go through to edit, remember to either use hyphens or commas to set things apart all the way through. By choosing only one it makes it all uniform and easier to read.
A good beginning.
Good luck with it all! I hope you keep up the detail here throughout the story.