Hello there! I hope you’re still checkin’ up here.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I was walking through the desert trying to find my way home, I realized that dehydration was setting in.
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There doesn’t really seem to be anything holding these two sentences together. I suggest making them each their own.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I realized that dehydration was setting in.
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Interesting, but why? Show us (the readers) how she realizes it. I know her legs give out in the next sentence, but depending on the severity of the dehydration there can be so much more than that. Is she just starting into dehydration? Or is it getting brutal? Is her tongue swelling? Is she so dehydrated she can’t sweat? If you’re going to bring up dehydration, you should play with it more.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I kept walking until my legs gave out, tired from exhaustion I sat on the sand while leaning against a rock.
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I think these should be two separate sentences too. After ‘out’ I think the first sentence can end. Otherwise it’s something of a run-on.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep, when I finally woke the sun was setting.
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Another sentence I think can be cut in two. This one after ‘asleep’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I could not help but gaze in wonder at this magnificent being.
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A very interesting thing, but why? I know it’s a dream, but there has to be something that’s calling her to this figure? His Adonis-like stature? Is he glowing? Is there simply something in her chest pulling her towards him?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
But I still didn't know who the god like stranger was.
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‘god-like’. Without the hyphen it looks more like a half-made simile than an adjective.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I wanted the dreams to stop and maybe if I find the guy they will.
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Again – why? Why is she disturbed by the dreams? Or is she just tired of them? A lot seems to be happening when you write, but the reader doesn’t really have any insight to it. Insight is especially important when it’s a first-person narrative.
Also, you start in past tense and move to present. Instead of ‘they will’, it should be, ‘they would.’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I walked to school that morning trying to clear my head.
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I feel like there should be some kind of break here. It’s a scene shift, so maybe an extra space or some such?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
As he removed his helmet…
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This feels a little repetitive. I think you could replace it with something like “As he did” since you just stated that he was taking off his helmet.
[quote=LunaBlack720]
I decided that now was the time to act, to stop just staring…
I think the comma should be a semi-colon and that ‘just’ can be dropped.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
… the sluttiest girl in school.
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‘sluttiest’ isn’t really a word, we just use it in comma speech. You can get away with it since this is first-person, but I suggest changing it to something like ‘slut of the school’ or something along those lines.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
She was all over him like ketchup on a hotdog.
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Was this line supposed to be funny? Because I laughed. I don’t know if you’re going for humor in this, since you haven’t really made any other jokes in the piece.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
As Joe got closer to me, I happily realized that even though Becca and Taylor were still making out…
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I don’t really understand what this has to do with Joe getting closer to her. It seems kind of needless to state.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
…Taylor looked over at me.
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You need to establish at some point that motorcycle-man is named Taylor. You kind of throw his name at us without actually telling us who Taylor is or how she suddenly knows his name.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
That prolonged hug, was all it took to infuriate Taylor.
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So, wait, this Taylor (who I’m assuming is the motorcycle-man) is making out with Becca and is suddenly upset because Joe (who I assume is a friend) hugged the main-character?
I… I’m a little confused? Why does this guy even give a hoot? I wasn’t even under the impression they even knew each other. If they did, why was the main character so surprised to see him at school?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
“I don't know what you mean” replied Liz.
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Who? Is Liz the main character? You need to tell us who people are before you toss names at us. Also, since this is first person, instead of ‘replied Liz’, it should be something along the lines of ‘I said in reply’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Taylor just kinda growled and walked to his seat.
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Just like ‘slutiest’, ‘kinda’ isn’t a word. You
can get away with it, but I wouldn’t recommend it. ‘Kind of’ would really be better.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I kissed full on, letting it last seconds before I pushed him away and left him.
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When did we establish that she even
knows Taylor? It almost seems to me that she just kissed a guy who is perfectly fine with Becca, a known slut, out of the blue and with no reason. On top of that, I still wasn’t under the impression she’d known Taylor for longer than today.
Maybe it’s just me, but that seems like an atrociously bad idea.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
“Always leave them wanting more”
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Since this is a thought, you probably shouldn’t use the same tags you use for dialogue. Instead, I suggest either italicizing it or using single quotes.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
When I look into his dark brown eyes I immediately know two things.
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You randomly switch from past tense to present tense here. Watch out for that.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
He was like one of those underwear models you'd want to be with day and night.
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Again, are you going for humor? I really can’t be sure.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I knew I should look away but it was like I couldn't.
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I’d drop the ‘but it was like’. Really, she either she could or she couldn’t.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I hadn't seen him the rest of the day but he was on my mind the whole time.
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There should be a comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
He was supposed to be in my 7th hour class but today was different.
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There should be a comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
He wasn't there like usual, but did Angie have anything to do with it this time.
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Instead of a period, a question mark would make it easier to read.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
So they couldn't be together could they?
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Why not? They may not be at all alike, but they are related. So I don’t really understand why they couldn’t be together. Are they living with estranged family or something?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I was going to accept but just then Joe came along.
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Another comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
He gave me another prolonged hug and a swift kiss on the lips.
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I think you should really explain what the relationship between these two are. It kind of seems like Joe is all over the main character (Liz?) for absolutely no reason? Are they going out? Are they friends? Is he a total creeper?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
This infuriated Taylor till no end, he left without a word.
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Instead of ‘till’ I think you meant ‘to’. “This infuriated Taylor until no end” doesn’t really make much sense.
I think the comma should be a semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
When I told Joe how I felt about about Taylor his usual smile was gone…
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There is an extra ‘about’ in this sentence.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
About five hours passed, I heard in the distance an odd snarling noise.
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This scene shift comes so suddenly and without any introduction that it’s rather jarring. I suggest adding some more transition in.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
She never saw Joe's broken corpse lying on the ground.
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You’ve either got to tell this story to us in first person or in third. Switching back and forth for the sheer sake of explanation doesn’t really work. I’d drop this sentence. Let us find out when the main character does.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
School the next day seemed kinda quiet.
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‘kind of’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Was I ever so wrong.
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I think you should end this sentence with a question mark or move ‘was’ after ‘I’:
“I was ever so wrong” or
“Was I ever so wrong?” or even
“Was I ever wrong.”
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I glanced toward Taylor's crew but he wasn't with them.
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A comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Blood was discovered where he was last scene, as well as nail marks.
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This is his
son he’s talking about. You might want to add something in about how distraught the chief sounds about this. Otherwise, you might change it so that the man speaking is not Joe’s father.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
As I heard chief Myers…
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‘chief’ should be capitalized.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
With that, the Chief's announcement was over.
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Since Chief Myers’ name isn’t mentioned in the sentence ‘Chief’ should not be capitalized. You only capitalize titles like that when the name is mentioned directly afterwards.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Everyone well almost everyone shuffled to class.
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You need to separate ‘well almost everyone’ off from the rest of the sentence.
“Everyone, well almost everyone, shuffled…’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I noticed the woods behind the house and decided maybe that would be the first place to look.
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Why? Here’s another part where I feel like there should be some explanation. What made her decide to check the forest rather than, I don’t know, ask his friends or something like that?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
If so was said animal in here currently.
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There should be a comma after ‘If so’ and I’d change the period to a question mark.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
... some of his clothes was ripped to shreds…
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Instead of ‘was’ it should be ‘were’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I wasn't able to see what is was.
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‘is’ should be ‘it’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Joe said that something silvery helped him.
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I guess I can see the logical that equates ‘Taylor’ to ‘must be beast’, but how did we go from ‘silver animal’ to ‘Angie’? I realize she’s trying to stop Taylor from doing things, but this seems like a really big jump of logic to make simply for the sake of moving the plot along. I suggest stretching this logic out a bit and over some more time so that it flows more naturally rather than ‘Oh hey! This is it!’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I thought about taking him to the hospital but I wasn't sure how I would have explained the bruise and his other wounds.
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I was under the impression that Joe was pretty seriously beaten, judging by the way you described his ripped clothes and unconsciousness. I’m a little surprised that the main character is more concerned with how she plans to explain things than getting her friend(?) help.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I had asked if he wanted me to stay but he said …
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Comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
You may not know it but bad things seems to happen…
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Comma before ‘but’ and ‘seems’ should be singular: ‘seem’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I decided to try to stay away from Taylor for a while.
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Joe was very probably beat the crap out of by Taylor and the main character was willing to overlook that. However when barely warned by Angie about some vague thing she is suddenly willing to give Taylor some distance.
I don’t understand that at all.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
OK so staying away…
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‘OK’ should really be ‘okay’. There should also be a comma after it.
“Okay, so staying away…”
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
It just happened, my curiosity got the best of me.
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I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Now I was feeling kinda bad for ignoring him these last few days.
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‘kind of’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
But it was more Angie's fault than my own.
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Is this supposed to sound selfish? Pushing the blame off on someone else (even though I, personally, am in full agreement with Angie) really makes the main-character sound selfish and juvenile. Is she meant to come off as such?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I had no idea, of what he wanted to talk about…
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I’d drop the comma.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
"What is it with you and Angie telling me its better if I don't know things?
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‘it’s’ The apostrophe makes it a contraction. Without it, it’s possessive.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Even if he didn't, I still had a good chance of finding out what he was so intent on hiding.
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Even if he didn’t what? I feel like your missing something there.
I also don’t understand why her chances are high. Is it just because she’s so determined?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I sat in my car and watched him while he was standing in the parking lot with his friends.
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I am kind of worried about her now. This seems to be turning into an obsession that cannot be healthy in any way.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
… I followed the trail he left behind.
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How? What trail? There needs to be some kind of explanation here.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
… but more importantly he had started to care for me.
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When did we find this out? All I’ve seen is that he is a jealous, violent person with extreme emotional problems. Are we supposed to gather that he cares for her because he apologized to her rather than Joe (who he brutally mauled)?
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
Once I finally reached, I held his muzzle softly and looked at the dark brown eyes of the wolf, knowing without a doubt that this was Taylor, my Taylor.
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I’m a little confused: Are you working under the assumption that werewolves retain some kind of metal stability after they’ve changed or not? I can’t really tell. But you really need to pick one or the other. Playing with both in a single story doesn’t usually work out well.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
In return, he layed his head across my lap.
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‘laid’
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I don't know what had gotten into me but I suddenly felt sleepy.
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A comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by LunaBlack720
I layed down beside Taylor in his wolf form and fell asleep.
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‘laid’
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There seems to be a lot of “this happened and then this happened” without much emotion put into it. While you can sometimes get away with this in third-person POV, in first-person POV you really need to play up the emotional card. When something sad happens, the story-telling needs to be sad. When something funny happens, the story-telling needs to be funny.
It’s a hard thing to do, but it really needs to be done when telling a first-person story.
Time moves really,
really fast in this piece. I think you need to stretch things out, let them stir in their emotions and details for a while before moving on to something different.
Along with that, you don’t really seem to have any transitions between scenes. One thing happens and BAM something else happens five hours later. I know that you’re trying to get everything out, but it can be kind of jarring to read. Transitions between scenes will help smooth things over and let things happen longer instead of simply stating that it happened and them moving on.
Overall it was entertaining. There are a couple of things that don’t quite make sense to me. I hope I didn’t come off too strong; it’s just really hard to sell me on romance stories.
I wish you the best of luck with this and hope that you continue to write it!