Okay now I've never personally had this problem but I've seen it a lot on TV and heard about it from friends and family. The night before a couple gets married there is usually a bachelor and bachelorette party. But for some reason the women always get mad at the men for going to strip clubs or something close to it. now I'm sorry but the entire idea of the parties is to celebrate your "last night of freedom" and I really don't understand what the big fuss is all about. It's not like the guy is cheating in my mind, and I'm a girl!

I'll keep this here to see if any debate actually gets started, but this may be more suited for General Discussion. We'll see. :)

Well, for one thing, if you really view the last night you're not married (at least, for a few years until you get divorced) as a "last night of freedom", you probably shouldn't be in a relationship period. Regardless of whether or not you're legally bound to a person, if you're in a relationship with them, the same rules that applied when dating most likely will apply when married, and if going to a strip club or whathaveyou will be considered off-limits when you're married, it probably is beforehand.

There's also the enormous double standard that you unintentionally pointed out yourself. "Bachelorette parties" are expected to be relatively tame. If they get a stripper, it's seen as a joke. A cake with a dildo sticking out of it is just about as raunchy as is permitted. If they do what men often do -- get completely drunk, go to a strip club, occasionally have one last tryst with someone other than their fiance`, arrive at their own wedding with a hangover and some random stranger's phone number written on their hand -- they are shamed, and if the man "forgives" her, she has to deal with everyone else making snide comments about how she's lucky he'd "take her back".

Speaking of which, there's also a major trust issue when it comes to bachelor parties. I will most likely not ever marry a man, but if I did, I would be at least a little concerned that society seems to condone horrible behaviors at bachelor parties. After so many drinks, who knows what he might be willing to do that he would otherwise know would hurt me?

As to your comment about going to a strip club not being cheating, you should realize that that's you. You may not consider a mostly nude young woman giving your hubby-to-be a lapdance "cheating", but many others do. And yeah, if my fiance`was planning on doing something I viewed as cheating on the night before our wedding, I'd be pretty pissed too.

Personally I'd see no issue with it as long as the look-but-don't-touch rule was adhered to. However, there are people who get threatened about such things, and it's my opinion that a lot of them are lacking confidence in their mate and their relationship. But that's just me.

Also, as to the bachelor party storyline on television, it is used generally for the sole purpose of drama, hence last week's CSI: Miami.

Also, Phil, there is a hideous double standard between men and women. We've come a long way in equality and women's rights in the legal arena, but society still has some nasty habits. Again, I'm reminded of a recent CSI: Miami, where a cougar's cubs were murdered. The woman was dating younger men in response to her husband dating younger women. Her husband was who killed them, though, because it was embarassing for him that his wife had men on the side. A drama example of what can happen in real life (though I would hope the method of homicide isn't normally quite so convoluted).

I personally don't share this viewpoint, but my dad seems to believe that as long as she's not married, she's free. I personally don't adhere to that rule of ethics (not to mention chivalry), but I can understand his point of view. An engagement is nothing more than a promise, a marriage is a legally binding relationship. Before those papers are signed, you legally have nothing holding you back from whatever you want to do. It depends entirely on the man and women in the relationship, but if they're fine with it, there's nothing wrong with each having their own fun the night before the wedding.

And how come Sen can call you Phil, but I can't? Just wondering...

Originally Posted by Shtona

Before those papers are signed, you legally have nothing holding you back from whatever you want to do. It depends entirely on the man and women in the relationship, but if they're fine with it, there's nothing wrong with each having their own fun the night before the wedding.

There's nothing keeping you from going to a strip club or having an affair after marriage either, though. If you have an affair and your spouse decides to divorce you, it can be used against you then, but there's nothing legally stopping it while you're married. Some couples are perfectly okay with open relationships.

And how come Sen can call you Phil, but I can't? Just wondering...

Because she wasn't being a smartass when she said it.

Originally Posted by Philomel

There's nothing keeping you from going to a strip club or having an affair after marriage either, though. If you have an affair and your spouse decides to divorce you, it can be used against you then, but there's nothing legally stopping it while you're married. Some couples are perfectly okay with open relationships.


Because she wasn't being a smartass when she said it.

There are laws against out-of-marriage relations in some states. I can't supply the sources right now, but I'll look it up by tomorrow and see if I can find a source. I'm pretty sure I've heard of it somewhere...

Btw, I'm curious as to why you believe men often do the things you mentioned? I've never been to a bachelor party personally, but I find it hard to believe that most men would do that on the eve of their wedding.

I'll share my views on this. The whole idea of it being "your last night of freedom" is totally ridiculous...and it's a very chauvinistic view on marriage on my opinion. And how is it not cheating when a guy goes to a strip club? one answer: THE TWO PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFOREHAND. And I consider it just as bad to cheat on your significant other if you're married or just boyfriend and girlfriend (or boyfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend/girlfriend) relationship. It's still wrong. I just find the whole idea of Bachelor and Bachelorrette parties to be totally counter productive because it can cause big problems like that. When/if I get married, I don't plan on having a bachelorrette party...or maybe not a traditional one at least. I might take some of my girlfriends out for a night...maybe go to a bar...I dunno...have a nice dinner. Something. I don't want to hire a stripper or anything because that just doesn't appeal to me.

Bachelor parties have nothing to do with what they used to. Yes, a few hundred years ago people were part of arranged marriages and it really WAS their last night of freedom, though I doubt that the activities included "strippers" and "keg stands."

What bachelor parties have turned in to is the last night for a male's friends to party like they were in college because they perceive the wife as nothing but pure evil that will keep the hubby-to-be from ever doing anything fun in his life again. EVER.

Bachelorette parties, are claimed to be a spin-off of a bachelor parties but are really just an excuse for the bride to say "OMG GIVE ME MOAR PRESENTS RAWR."

In the process of planning my own wedding my fiance and I have decided that:
1) There is no need for a bachelor or bachelorette party as we already party pretty regularly, and we'll be drunk enough on the night of our wedding, and we wouldn't want to be hung over the morning of the wedding anyway (family already causes us enough headaches as is).
2) We're probably having two "weddings" because we'd both be embarrassed if our friends were near our families. The wedding for friends will be a casual event where we all get sloshed and talk about how I now wear the pants in the relationship and how my fiance will no longer be right about anything. The wedding for family will be more traditional and will be the first time (probably) that our families get to meet each other (as we have "four" and they're all scattered across the state). That will also be the actual "marriage date" as that's when we'll have our license signed.

No need for sucking gift money out of friends who are already poor enough, being college students and all.

I know I would be extremely offended if my husband to be saw getting married to me as the end of his freedom. If you are still in the state of mind where having a monogamous relationship seems like a cage I don't think you should be getting married in the first place. When you decide to get married all your desires for other people should be long left behind because until death does you part you will only have the one you chose to marry. You shouldn't try to squeeze in a few quickies at the last moment to tide you over until divorce or a funeral.

Originally Posted by Shtona

There are laws against out-of-marriage relations in some states. I can't supply the sources right now, but I'll look it up by tomorrow and see if I can find a source. I'm pretty sure I've heard of it somewhere...

"I'm pretty sure I've heard of it somewhere" does not make it fact. Until you provide sources, I will assume that such laws do not exist because I have never heard of them anywhere, and I live in a very conservative state.

Btw, I'm curious as to why you believe men often do the things you mentioned? I've never been to a bachelor party personally, but I find it hard to believe that most men would do that on the eve of their wedding.

From men. Who've thrown/attended bachelor parties. Bachelor parties aren't sleepovers for grownups, they're parties attended exclusively by close friends and unless you're Mormon, they most likely involve large quantities of alcohol.

Originally Posted by Philomel

From men. Who've thrown/attended bachelor parties. Bachelor parties aren't sleepovers for grownups, they're parties attended exclusively by close friends and unless you're Mormon, they most likely involve large quantities of alcohol.

Having attended non-Mormon bachelor parties, I can verify that claim that there are copious amounts of alcohol present as true.

Haven't been to one with exotic dancers though.

If I found out my boyfriend had gone to a strip club I'd blow a casket. Sorry, but if you're in a relationship you plan on being faithful to, you don't go and ogle other half-naked women. Think of it this way. How would you feel if your best female friend decided to get naked and give your boyfriend a lap dance right in front of you randomly and your boyfriend just went with it? Not so great. Why is the night before marriage suddenly any different. Marriage should mean that the two of you want to spend your life together, why would you want to go and ruin that by having some sleaze rub up against the outside of your pants? Wouldn't having sex with the person you love be better anyway?

Now, I'm not against bachelor parties, but I don't think any women should be in attendance...period. It should be the last night with your guy friends before your married, but that doesn't mean that things are necessarily going to change once you get married. Why do men seem to assume that they lose their freedom once they get married? If me and my boyfriend were to get married I would expect him to do more things with me, but I wouldn't deny him time with his friends, I'd want that to. Then again though, we have a lot of the same male and female friends, so we all tend to hang out together.

Originally Posted by Philomel

"I'm pretty sure I've heard of it somewhere" does not make it fact. Until you provide sources, I will assume that such laws do not exist because I have never heard of them anywhere, and I live in a very conservative state.


From men. Who've thrown/attended bachelor parties. Bachelor parties aren't sleepovers for grownups, they're parties attended exclusively by close friends and unless you're Mormon, they most likely involve large quantities of alcohol.

Oh, well, as long as you haven't heard of them...

Adultery Laws Do Exist!

However, They Vary From State To State...

Scroll Down In This One To The Penalties Section...

(Did I not say that I was going to supply the link today?) Sheesh...Now, for those of you who don't click the links, I'll briefly explain some facts concerning adultery laws. Although it is rare to hear of an adultery trial taking place, they do happen. The penalties vary from life in prison (harsh, but true) to a fine of only $10. Also, this topic is apparently widely debated in certain circles (that consist mostly of lawyers, I'm guessing). Oh, and interestingly enough, the life in prison penalty was in a blue state, so apparently this isn't something that hinges on one ideology. It's good to see that at least one group is crossing the aisle in this country...kind of ironic that it's adulterers though.

I love the assumptions. To quote someone rather close to me (on this page, not physically, or even metaphorically, or at all really): "Most likely," does not make it fact...

I only skimmed through some of the replies since they were so long. Might go back and read them. But I'm surprised a lot of people seem to feel similar to how I do about this sort of thing. I do not allow my boyfriend to go to strip clubs and stuff like that. I told him this way back when we turned eighteen, and his friends started going. I let him know I was not okay with him doing that sort of thing, and thankfully, he didn't argue it too much. It may not be actual "cheating" but there is something unfaithful about it, to me. If he's got me, why does he need to go look at some other girl? And of course I hold myself to the same standards I hold him to and wouldn't go to to a strip club either. I doubt I will have one of these parties if I get married. I don't see the point and I wouldn't be comfortable with my boyfriend having one either. Luckily I doubt he would want to since he doesn't drink alcohol anyways. I don't really see much fun in having parties separate from each other if you love each other enough you want to spend your lives together. Maybe that is just my view too because my relationship is long distance and I cherish every moment I get to spend with him in real life, since we spend much of the time apart. When I'm out having fun with friends I'm always wishing he was there too.

I agree with what everyone said about it making no sense for it being a last night of freedom thing. The relationship starts long before marriage in most cases. I've been with my boyfriend eight years and counting. We've given up any freedom long long ago.

A friend of mine's sister recently got married and my friend told me about the party. They had it at her house and had a stripper come, and the whole thing really did sound hilarious. But I just don't think I could have a party like that, I'd feel guilty about it and jealous if my boyfriend did the same. I honestly don't know what I would do if I was ever invited to someone else's though. Don't think any of my friends will be getting married soon, none of them even have boyfriends, except for one friend who got married a long time ago, but didn't have a party or wedding to my knowledge. But I remember when my stepcousin got married I was invited to hers, but she got married a month before I turned twenty one, and the place they were going was over twenty one, so I couldn't go. I was super bummed out about it because everyone else got to go out and have fun and I felt like such a baby being too young, and only by one month too. But now I realize I probably didn't miss much. I have no idea if it was just drinking or if it was strippers too... I never asked. I don't really know what kind of place they went to. It might have been awkward if I had been able to go.

Honestly, I believe that if you are in a trusting and open relationship- I see no problem with a Bachelor party or a Bachelorette party. I've been with my significant other for almost 8 years. However he shows no interest in a Bachelor party, he thinks they're stupid. The stripping and all of that sort of thing. When I was younger I felt that it was a very... big no-no, but I've become more open minded as I've gotten older.

If my boyfriend would like to go to a Bachelor party, I don't see why not as LONG as there's no touching, or doing things that would be considered "cheating" involved, like lap dances. Guys are GOING to look at women no matter what. Why not allow them to do so? I say this because girls; coming from another girl; you DO ogle men. I mean how many times have you fantasized about being with Johnny Depp or Hugh Laurie? Or looked at hot pinups of men?

Hell if you like yaoi or hentai or whatever; isn't that sort of... Well still being 'unfaithful' in a way if you want to get strict about it?

I trust my boyfriend and I know he loves me and sees me as a sexy little fox if you don't mind the silly metaphor. I trust him and he trusts me, and I would never do anything to jeopardized that trust nor would he. So allowing him to go to some silly party, cracking up with the guys doesn't bother me... Just as I would enjoy going to a bachelorette party and giggling with my friends over girl talk.

I've recently went to yaoi-con, my boyfriend went with me despite it not being his cup of tea. And in all honesty I don't see what's wrong with it. Yes I saw guys stripping but come on, we're adults. As long as NOTHING goes on that would hurt the relationship, why not? Yaoi-con was a huge bachlorette party pretty much.

If you're not confident enough in your relationship with your significant other to allow them to have a Bachelor party, Bachelorette party, then really... I feel that there's a lack of trust somewhere within the relationship. It's just how I see it. But that's just my opinion on the matter.