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Ryn Gray
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#1
Old 12-29-2009, 06:11 PM

((UPDATE!) Currently closed while I work on quite a bit of editing. Will return shortly...)

Okay! Recently I've been working on a story as part of a team. The story and characters are something we create and work out together, and we all write different sections whenever ideas come to us, then share them and iron things out into one cohesive story. It can be challenging, but it can also be a lot of fun to work in a team. I tell you this to explain the fact that what I'm sharing with you is a very rough draft. I somehow ended up being dubbed project manager, mostly because my job of retail slave allows me much more time than the rest of the team to organize everything together. I do most of the combining of the different ideas into a coherent story.

What I'm going to post is a rough draft of the first chapter, written out by me from combining the ideas of everyone in the team. They all have a copy to work on, but I'd like some perspective from someone not involved in the story. I'd love whatever feedback you can give me. (Also, please point out if you notice any typos. I've been known to occasionally type things like "clam" instead of "clan" and "was" instead of "way" and so on.) I'm going to try to get as much text into one post as I can, but it's twelve pages typed in Word so I may have to use two posts. Thank you very much. (By the way, I use "~*~*~" to separate scenes and italics for thoughts. But it's pretty self explanatory.)

Last edited by Ryn Gray; 08-24-2011 at 11:46 AM..

iinsanely Sane
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#2
Old 12-30-2009, 03:31 PM

Woww! hahaha, alright. Well let me just say, the start was a bit dull.. You should make more jokes, or do something funny. Maybe include a little romance if you see fit to add that in the story, just an idea.
But as I kept on reading it was real good! I loved it! I'd love to read more. There weren't many spelling errors, nor were there many grammatical errors, and your use of vocabulary was excellent!
Have you written anymore?

Could you read mine too? In my sig.

Ryn Gray
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#3
Old 12-30-2009, 11:32 PM

Thank you for reading! I know that the beginning is a bit slow so far, but I wanted to get some feedback before editing it any further. I'll work on adding something to make it a little less dull. Adding some more humor is a good idea, thanks for that. And there is the possibility of some romance, but we haven't fleshed it all out completely. I'll try to keep it in mind when I do my eventual re-write of the intro.

Ryn Gray
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#4
Old 03-26-2010, 12:54 PM

Updated the first post a bit. ;) We do have a prologue written, which comes from the perspective of an antagonist character. It does have some action and intrigue to draw in a reader, but right now I just want some feedback on the first chapter. Bringing this thread back up!

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#5
Old 06-26-2010, 04:53 PM

Awesomee!!! *starts reading*

Ryn Gray
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#6
Old 06-26-2010, 05:54 PM

Just to note, the first post has been updated a second time with a completely revised draft. It's still a draft, though, so any thoughts are appreciated!

And I know it's horrendously long. It's only around fifteen pages, but it looks much worse in a forum format. I know most people don't want to read that much, but even if you read a tiny bit let me know what critiques you have. Thanks everyone.

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#7
Old 06-26-2010, 06:35 PM

By the way, you might want to make the writing smaller to make it less page stretching... just a thought. xD

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#8
Old 06-28-2010, 06:51 AM

either than the spelling it's pretty good. a suggestion i have is more conversations to help learn more about the other characters. it's good how you wouldn't tell what the mission was at the beginning, making the reader want to read more by letting their own imaginations run wild with thoughts of what it could be. over all your writing is great and your story line is interesting, keep at it!

Ryn Gray
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#9
Old 06-28-2010, 01:52 PM

Thank you very much, Kim! I will keep that in mind when I do my next overhaul of this chapter and when I work on future chapters.

iinsanely Sane
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#10
Old 03-03-2012, 02:46 PM

Ryn Gray! Where is the second chapter?! xD

 


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