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Blueeyes
⊙ω⊙
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02-09-2010, 02:25 PM
Okay, well, I'm just guessing that this is where this thread belongs. I was hoping that perhaps that some of you could tell me what you think of my story...
Prolugue:
Usually when you would sit upon a tall hill and look far below you, you would see the forests, the flowers, and the rolling hills of Virginia. If you would look up you would see the fluffy white clouds slowly moving across the sea-blue sky. And on one of these fantastic days in the year of 1980 two girls were born. One was named Tara and the other was named Lisa. These two girls soon became orphans. At the age of three their mother and father died of cancer. (Or so they were said to) The poor twins were then taken to an orphanage. At the age of five they were separated since no one knew they were twins even though they looked alike. One child (Lisa) was picked out by a nice man, while the other was taken by an evil witch. Poor Tara was treated horribly, while lucky Lisa was getting spoiled.
I plan on adding more.
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BellyButton
☆☆☆ Assistant Administrator
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02-09-2010, 05:50 PM
Good guess! But the Literature Spot is more geared towards sharing original works. There is a subforum there where you can get feedback on your writing. I'll move this over there for you. :)
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Blueeyes
⊙ω⊙
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02-09-2010, 06:00 PM
Sorry, I'm really new. Just joined yesterday.
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Kitt
Poet Laureate
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02-10-2010, 05:00 AM
To me, this sounds really rushed. One of the most important things you need to do when writing is to establish your character. It's not enough to say that the kids are orphaned and separated. You need to go into detail about the experience to make the reader get inside the character's head and empathize with them. Also, wording such as "nice man" and "evil witch" is a little too simple. It's better to demonstrate that the man is nice and the witch is evil, rather than just saying it. It'll have a much more powerful effect.
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sunshinebug90
(-.-)zzZ
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02-17-2010, 09:11 PM
It's... a nice start. Rather than saying "One child (Lisa)", just say Lisa! When was the last time you read a book that did things like that? And it just seems like an info-dump. Show, don't tell. The beginning was good, but don't drag the reader into this. I've never been to Virginia; I don't think that I could even begin to tell you where Virginia is!
"Flesh" it out more, take out the parenthesis, and "you" and ad at least 20-25% more details, and I think that you'll really be getting into something here!
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-GuiltyInk-
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02-23-2010, 02:01 AM
Your story seems a bit rush-unless this is just like an outline. But you need to really slow it down, and describe it more.
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