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RaeKitty
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03-21-2010, 06:43 PM
So this is the start of a story I'm currently hard at work on. Just the prologue. Might increase it's length if I need to. But I'd like to have a bit of input on it because I've yet to receive any except from my best friend and I'd like more please. So feel free to offer up some constructive and nice critisism. Graci ^-^
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A hand to her heart…Eyes at the floor…Breathing decreasing steadily. Quietly she sighs, removing her hand from her chest and she picks her eyes up off the floor. With a final glance to the darkness around, the door closes and she walks away from countless memories. Some good, others bad, but all very real. As she emerges into the light, a smell drifts towards her, causing a disgusted look to appear on her features. Her body shows no movement as her face only shows moments of disgust. The female seems nearly unphased as she starts to move her feet, walking past many unconscious people, a few bleeding slightly, but all alive.
Her eyes were glazed over; pale and almost unseeing, icy blue under the glaze as she continued to walk passed the human beings who lay scattered on the ground. The sound of her flat sandals was all that could be heard as she walked out of the antique banquet hall. A once loud crowd fell silent as the pale woman came out, staring at them with a deadly, ruby smirk on her lips.
A small child ran out from the crowd and up to the ethereal beauty. The young boy tugged on her silken gown and giggled. He seemed to be unafraid as the young maiden knelt down to his height. Her lips curled into a soft smile as she lifted a hand up to his head and onto his hair. She ruffled his blond locks gently before standing straight once more, patting his back to usher him towards his frightened parents standing in front of the large, silenced crowd. Once the boy returned to his parents, the woman’s body stiffened as she scanned her pale blue orbs across the crowd.
No one was naïve enough to misunderstand a situation like this. It was quite apparent to her what they wanted, yet were too petrified to accomplish themselves. For a long moment, all stood quiet, still, and on guard. Then, the woman stepped forward carefully, sending the crowd into a startling stummble backwards as they tried to remain the same distance from her. Out of the fearful crowd, one brave soul found a stone, hoisted it above the heads of innocent humans and hurled it towards the goddess. It smacked her hard across the cheek and she recoiled with agony. Emotional pain swept through her. Had she really lost all trust from her people?
A confirmation started to grow throughout her being and she slowly nodded, ignoring the slow drip of sticky crimson blood that fell to her snow white gown. The goddess stepped forward and down onto the concrete steps of the banquet hall. Glenice the Uncorrupted would make one final performance to please her people. She outstretched her arms wide and with a final glance around the crowd, at seeing on the little boy who’d earlier shown her a kindness, Glenice paused. There would be no more pain of joy or love for Glenice. And her people would forget this day. They would carry their lives remembering something much more tragic and deep. "Carry your head high." Glenice heard in the distance. It was the boy. He would be the only one to remember. She smiled as a bright, overbearing light consumed the entire countryside: city, banquet hall, hilltop and all.
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Hayzel
[MiniMee]
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03-22-2010, 02:14 AM
It's a little slow paced for a prologue. Even though you don't want to give too much detail, I'd still give a little more.
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continued to walk passed the human beings
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When you use "Pass" as an adverb, it's "Past." You would usually only use "Passed" as a verb. Although you may just want to replace it with "to walk by" because it's a bit clearer on the what's going on.
Good Luck =)
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SugarRos
⊙ω⊙
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03-30-2010, 07:31 PM
Before you continue, find out which tense you want to write in.
In the first paragaph you write in present tense:
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Quietly she sighs, removing her hand from her chest and she picks her eyes up off the floor. With a final glance to the darkness around, the door closes and she walks away from countless memories. Some good, others bad, but all very real. As she emerges into the light, a smell drifts towards her, causing a disgusted look to appear on her features. Her body shows no movement as her face only shows moments of disgust. The female seems nearly unphased as she starts to move her feet, walking past many unconscious people, a few bleeding slightly, but all alive.
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Now I'll take it and change the words so they're in past tense: (changed words are bold)
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A hand to her heart…Eyes at the floor…Breathing decreased steadily. Quietly she sighed, removed her hand from her chest and she picked her eyes up off the floor. With a final glance to the darkness around, the door closed and she walked away from countless memories. Some good, others bad, but all very real. As she emerged into the light, a smell drifted towards her, causing a disgusted look to appear on her features. Her body showed no movement as her face only showed moments of disgust. The female seemed nearly unphased as she started to move her feet, walking past many unconscious people, a few bleeding slightly, but all alive.
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Now, here's a paragraph where you used past tense:
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Her eyes were glazed over; pale and almost unseeing, icy blue under the glaze as she continued to walk passed the human beings who lay scattered on the ground. The sound of her flat sandals was all that could be heard as she walked out of the antique banquet hall. A once loud crowd fell silent as the pale woman came out, staring at them with a deadly, ruby smirk on her lips.
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And here it is in present tense:
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Her eyes are glazed over; pale and almost unseeing, icy blue under the glaze as she continues to walk passed the human beings who lay scattered on the ground. The sound of her flat sandals is all that can be heard as she walks out of the antique banquet hall. A once loud crowd falls silent as the pale woman comes out, staring at them with a deadly, ruby smirk on her lips.
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You also seam to use past tense in the rest of it, so maybe sticking to past tense is the best course for you? It's rather difficult to write in present tense, imo, but it can be done. However, I suggest changing your first paragraph and being aware of what tense you're writing in when continuing the story. :)
Last edited by Flink; 03-31-2010 at 11:33 PM..
Reason: Quotey, quotey
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ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn
⊙ω⊙
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04-06-2010, 06:02 AM
wow....i love it!
see, i disagree on it being too slow for a prologue. That's what's so awesome about it! It's so mysterious, it leaves so many questions to be asked! See, that's always good in a story, prologues especially; it keeps you guessing. It really catches your attention, it leaves you wanting more. Which is also great for a prologue. I love the amount of detail put into it, and the way you portrayed how she was feeling.
the only error is that whole present tense past tense thing, which can be easily fixed. I, personally, think this would just...sound better in present tense. It seems to suit this better, or at least to me. But, this is a matter of opinion.
I love your writing style, you've got talent! <3 I think the lack of information just adds to the mystery. And trust me, that's a very good thing. The length is good, i dont think you should make it any longer.
Really, great job! You made me curious. Do you think you'll be continuing with this?
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