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Bellydancer540
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#1
Old 05-31-2010, 04:30 PM

This is from a story I am working on and I would like some critiques, thanks.

Thousands of years ago, in ancient times, two worlds existed. They were known as Earth, and Eloru. Both worlds supported life, and both coexisted, together. People could travel from one world to another by the use of magical gates. They could trade, see various different creatures, or just travel and explore. It was a time of great peace, and prosperity, and the time of the rule of the Kimastu Crystal.

The Kimastu Crystal was the source of power that held the two worlds together. Through this powerful crystal, the goddess known as Kima was about to see the happiness of both worlds. No one sought to take the crystal, knowing it would destroy the connection between the two worlds, and no one at that time wanted power. Though, this peace was doomed to fail.

Several powerful and evil sages of both worlds met, and in this meeting they created the Boketsu Stone. This stone was powerful, and filled with dark and dangerous power. Upon its completion, the stone killed those who created it, and sought out a worthy wielder. Soon, on Eloru, the stone found a person to take over. This person was the Fifth Emperor, Noe.

Emperor Noe was able to wreak havoc with his new powers, and soon, all of Eloru was under his dark control. His dark armies slowly began to leak onto Earth, and it was at that time Kima found what he was trying to do. She called forth two guardians, one from Earth, and the other from Eloru and had them placed to guard her crystal. She feared the emperor would come for it, and she was correct.

Within five days of her calling her guardians, her hidden temple was found, and so was the crystal. The guardians fought their best, the Noe killed them without breaking a sweat. It was then, Kima got an idea. Before Noe could touch the crystal, it broke in two, each half became the guardian’s and Kima revived them, giving them the power to fight this evil. After a long battle, Noe was defeated, and the stone was locked away in a dark prison, never to be seen again.

It was, at this time that the guardians decided it would be best the worlds separated, that Eloru would vanish form the skies of Earth. The guardian from Earth returned to his planet, and watched with many others as Eloru disappeared, for what was feared to be forever. Knowing that it would be unwise for the people to remember Eloru, the guardian used the power of the crystal one last time to erase the memory of the other world from them. The only thing that would be left, would be the strange gate buildings, and stories of this world that were written before the attack. And the human race moved on….

kougerkat
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#2
Old 06-01-2010, 02:56 PM

What you have here, seems like a summary of a book, or an interesting intro to start with it having been several years or decades later after Earth has forgotten. Over all, I think it's a really interesting concept, though the editor in my really wants to fix some of it. You've got a few too many commas, ones that jump out at me specifically in that first paragraph.

But over all, it's very interesting.

Bellydancer540
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:28 AM

Thanks, it is still rough outline, so to speak, and I hope to add an edited and revised version when I can get onto a computer again, or when I have the time to type it all up from my phone. Lol.

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#4
Old 06-02-2010, 06:46 PM

I have to say I'd be really interested in an edited and revised version. Though the thought of having to type it up on my phone, makes me cringe because it's a lot to type on a phone.

Ryn Gray
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#5
Old 06-03-2010, 01:42 AM

Grammar-wise, I agree with Kougerkat that you overuse commas. When you do get a chance to edit, look them over critically. Is that a place you would really give an extended pause when speaking? For example, your second sentence does not need a comma after the world "Earth." Having one makes it read oddly to me.

Anyway, just a little suggestion. As to your content, it sounds interesting, but you dump a lot of information on the reader all at once. I think that this would work great as a prologue if you were going to start the story in a time period much later on (after Earth forgot, again as Kougerkat said), but if you are having the story much closer to the time where the two worlds split, then you should consider other ways of giving the reader all of this information. And definitely spread it out.

I also want to caution against many of the Asian-sounding words and names you are using for Eloru. This is fine if Eloru is an Asian-like world, but if it is very modern or very western, I'd advise against using Japanese sounding names for no apparent reason. Since you haven't given us any insight into the culture of Eloru yet, though, this might not be something you have to worry about. Good luck!

Last edited by Ryn Gray; 06-26-2010 at 04:58 PM..

 


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