I am posting one of my short stories, I would love some feedback, and any ways to improve the story.

The Witch and the Strange One


"Look!" Shouted a strange brown haired girl, her light blue eyes glittering with mischief.
"An undead monkey!"

The normal people around her laughed like hollow conforming shells, at least until the undead monkey began it's attack.

As the mindless fell, blood seeping from empty eye sockets, it became apparent the young woman was not alone. A strange man was hiding from normality, hiding in plain sight.

The young woman ignored this person and took to sitting on a cold stone bench as screams still radiated around her from the small creatures rampage. Her eyes focused on a pentacle she held in her hands, fingers tracing over the old silver as a shadow stood before her.

"I think you dropped something." A strange voice said. The young woman looked up, only to come face to face with the undead monkey. The voice belonged to the strange person who was now holding the small monkey by it's bony tail.

She fell back onto the cold pavement, shocked that he caught the undead creature, let alone knew that it was her's.
"How did you wind up catching Fluffy?" She asked, her voice curious and containing a child-like innocence. She slowly rose to her feet watching the strange stranger closely.

"Fluffy here was too busy removing the mayor's eyes out, so I grabbed him... Or her... Whatever it is.." The strange one said.

"An undead monkey." The young woman said, an innocent giggle mingling with her voice. "I conjured Fluffy up this morning."

"That's all well and good, but what of the bodies?" The strange one questioned, watching carefully as the undead monkey jumped onto the girl's shoulder.

"Let society sort them out." She remarked nonchalantly, though soon a small dark grin spread onto her lips.
"Or, Davey Jones always needs a crew." She laughed, but this time was joined by the strange one.

"To the sea then." The strange one said, smiling.

"Me likes your thinking." The witch said, laughing as Fluffy jumped onto the tall man's shoulder.
"And so does Fluffy." She scanned over the many bodies, standing near the strange stranger, a smile playing at her lips.

~Fin~

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

Shouted a strange brown haired girl, her light blue eyes glittering with mischief.

I understand that people are meant to be just ‘strange’ and ‘normal’ in this story, but ‘strange’ is such a vague adjective that, for this introduction to the character, I think you should have a brief explanation as to why she’s strange. Did she have an odd presence? Odd mannerisms?

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

"An undead monkey!"

I don’t really understand if this is meant to be a warning or a statement or… what? If it is a warning, it seems odd to me. Since, well, she summoned it.

I really don’t understand that people aren’t scared if they can see the monkey. Or can they not? I mean, the thing has a bone tail. I can tell this is meant to a fable like story, but that still doesn’t make such sense to me.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

… laughed like hollow conforming shells…

I’d change the word ‘conforming’ because it doesn’t seem to make sense in the sentence. I know it goes back to the idea of the ‘normals’, but it just seems odd in the sentence itself. You could even cut out the word ‘conforming’ with the same effect.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

… hiding in plain sight.

How so? Standing among the crowd? Running with the crowd?

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

…as screams still radiated around her from the small creatures rampage.

I’d change the word ‘radiated’. I know what you mean, but it seems an odd word choice. Maybe echoed?

‘creatures’ needs an apostrophe: “creature’s”

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

The young woman looked up, only to come face to face with the undead monkey. The voice belonged to the strange person who was now holding the small monkey by it's bony tail.

I’d switch the two sentence around, so that we know the voice came from the man instead of the monkey. It seems a little backwards as is.

‘it’s’ doesn’t need the apostrophe.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

She fell back onto the cold pavement, shocked that he caught the undead creature, let alone knew that it was her's.

She fell onto the pavement, but she was already sitting on the bench? How did she get off the bench?

I’d end the sentence at ‘creature’ and start a new one at ‘let’.
I also don’t really think it’s that surprising that the strange man knew, considering she was not only the first person to notice it, but is the only person it isn’t killing.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

She slowly rose to her feet watching the strange stranger closely.

Maybe the ‘odd stranger’? ‘strange stranger’ seems a little redundant.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

"Fluffy here was too busy removing the mayor's eyes out...

‘removing the mayor’s eyes’ or ‘ripping the mayor’s eyes out’. ‘removing’ and ‘out’ doesn’t really sound right together.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

Whatever it is.." The strange one said.

You have an extra period after ‘is’.
I’d also use ‘The strange man’ or else call the woman something else earlier in the story. Since they are both referred to as ‘strange’, it could, technically, be referring to either one of them.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

"An undead monkey."

That seems a little redundant to me since he obviously knows that’s what it is. Why didn’t she just answer whether it was female, male or that it didn’t matter?

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

… though soon a small dark grin spread onto her lips.

I’d cut out ‘soon’, but otherwise I really liked this image.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

"Or, Davey Jones always needs a crew."

I’d mention something about the ocean earlier in the story, otherwise it seems a little like it comes out of nowhere.

Originally Posted by Bellydancer540

… standing near the strange stranger, a smile playing at her lips.

‘strange stranger’ again, which I still don’t much care for.

Maybe ‘lingering’ instead of ‘playing’, since she is already smiling?

---

I think the biggest problem was just word choice. I quite liked the idea of the story, though I think certain parts need more explanation. I know it’s meant to be a very short-story - possibly micro-fiction? – but there are just some thinks that leave the reader wondering why. Address those few questions and I think this’ll be great!

I wish you the best of luck!