Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A dark, stormy night…
|
I’m not sure if this was meant to be a reference to the old noir openings. I would change it, if only because the rest of the story doesn’t really fit the noir theme.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… sprouted out of nowhere from the cheerful, sunny day it had been earlier.
|
This is kind of contradictory. You say that it came from nowhere, and then that it came out of the earlier sunny day. I’d cut out one of the two. Either that it was from the sunny day or that it simply came from nowhere.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It wasn’t so bad.
|
Huh? I didn’t understand why anything would be considered bad in the first place?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A grotesque looking thing it was.
|
I’d put ‘it was’ at the beginning of the sentence.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It looked neither man nor animal, but it stood on two legs and had claws at least four feet in length.
|
“It looked neither…” sounds kind of awkward. Maybe ‘It
was neither’…?
Having a detail like ‘at least four feet’ in a moment of suspense seems out of place. Maybe something more like ‘claws as long as its arms’ or something like that?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A closer look revealed it holding a body.
|
Maybe ‘revealed the object to be a body’ or something along those lines?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Of what, I couldn’t be certain as it dashed in front of our vehicle…
|
I don’t really understand this. If she can’t tell what it’s the body of, how can she tell it’s a body at all?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… so nobody was there to report the crash except one of us.
|
I think ‘one of’ is a little superfluous here.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Many of us forgot about that dreadful night, but I never forgot.
|
I have a little trouble believing that she’s the only one that remembers this. I don’t know anyone that had a crash who forgot about it.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Of course, there were also the rumors that had started.
|
Since nothing else has happened in response to it yet, I don’t think you can use ‘also’. Maybe ‘Of course, that was when the rumors started.’?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Today as I sat in class…
|
I’d drop this into a new paragraph and put a comma after ‘Today’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but that person would never remember the face that took him.
|
I… don’t understand this sentence. How is this ‘but’? The fact that he wouldn’t remember makes it better?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Light brown eyes flicked around the room…
|
I’d put ‘My’ before ‘Light brown eyes’. Also, Isabelle talks like a normal person when she’s talking to others, how come she talks like a narrator when she’s talking to the reader?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I, Isabelle the heartless, thought…
|
I never saw anything in the story that showed she was ‘heartless’. Here’s another instance where I wonder why she talks like this. I don’t know anyone who says something like, “I, Nolori, thought”. It makes her seem a little pretentious, which really doesn’t seem fair to her. She seems like a nice person who really cares about people.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… slightly dry lips as I saw that I’d drawn the face again.
|
I’d cut out ‘slightly’, mostly because I don’t see its significance.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
That’s where the clue was, the face.
|
I’d change the comma to a colon.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… I was going hunting for my case.
|
Case? To me, that makes it sound like this is her profession rather than any personal quest. I’d change the word.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… and possibly risk my life to uncover the truth.
|
This is listed among the good things, does that mean she sees this as a good thing, too?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It took a total of two minutes…
|
This is another detail I don’t see the importance of. Why two minutes as opposed to a few? There’s really nothing wrong with putting in details, but I think they belong in a place where the reader will take something from it and remember it throughout the story.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Our driver for the night was a tall dark haired boy…
|
There should be a comma after ‘tall’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… he looked around the age of 17 or 18…
|
Since its over ten, you don’t need to write out ‘seventeen’ and ‘eighteen’, but I think it would look better if you did.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but didn’t introduce myself by name; simply the heartless.
|
I’m a little disbelieving that no one is weirded out by this. In all other aspects she seems like a normal high school/college(?) kid, but she introduces herself as ‘heartless’. I don’t understand why.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… not noticing that not a single person was interested.
|
I’d change the sentence around so you don’t have two ‘not’s in it. Maybe: “… not noticing that no one was interested”?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“What’re you writing,” said a deep, rough, throaty voice.
|
Since a new person is speaking, I’d drop this down into a new paragraph.
And maybe ‘asked’ instead of ‘said’?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I sighed and said…
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“You’ve seen it, then?”
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“I’d rather not. I’m sure you’ll see it tonight, anyway.”
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Twenty-five minutes of driving lead us to a final stop in front of the old gas station where we’d leave the van before setting out on foot.
|
Not vital to the story/editing, but I was curious as to how they know where they’re going? I know they get to the forest and split up, but how do they know to go to the forest in the first place?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I shook my head with a smirk on my face.
|
Did she shake it yes or no?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“Quicken your paces!”
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… we set out on our designated paths.
|
You take time to tell us that they’re splitting up north or south, so why not tell us which way she goes.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… the Georgia summertime.
|
‘Georgian’. Just a little tense issue.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… we trudged through the muck.
|
Since you talk about them being quiet, I’d change the word ‘trudged’ to something else.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but all complaints ceased as a growling was heard.
|
I’d change ‘as’ to ‘when’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but instead it would snarl and sneer maybe even howl.
|
How does she know that? All the reader knows is that she saw the thing once, very briefly. So how does she know so much about it?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… at how skirmish they were.
|
I think you meant ‘skittish’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“He was hiding from something.”
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… as if I were a life raft in the middle of a raging storm in the sea.
|
I’d change ‘in the’ to ‘at’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It’ll be okay sweetie.
|
I’d put a comma after ‘okay’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but a few times it had been a decomposer feasting on a shredded body.
|
I’d use ‘scavenger’ or ‘animal’ instead of decomposer. From my understanding, a decomposer is mostly bacteria. It may or may not include insects like ants, but I’m fairly certain it doesn’t include animals. Animals are scavengers.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I knew it was around, but where? I thought looking for a sign of some sort.
|
I feel like this is a little awkward. By adding ‘I thought’, it sounds like that’s exactly what she was thinking at that moment. Yet the thought itself is in the past-tense like everything else. Maybe: “
I know it’s here, but where? I thought, looking for a sign of some sort.”
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but as long as some of us did it’d be okay.
|
I’d add a comma after ‘did’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A slight trace of a screeching…
|
I have a hard time picturing a “slight trace of a screeching”. Maybe “There was screeching…” or something like that?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Most of us had become rather paranoid, tensing up at every little sound.
|
I’m a little confused as to why no one has tried to run or get out of the woods.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but we all know it most likely would.
|
‘know’ should be ‘knew’. Just a little tense issue.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
The yellow eyes were as deep as ever and his grimy green sneer were as distinguishable as the nose on my face.
|
As deep? Deep as in ‘intelligent’?
I’d add a comma after ‘grimy’ and ‘were’ should be ‘was’.
As far as the nose thing, since everyone has one I don’t really understand why you use this as a simile. Unless she has a particularly distinct looking nose? If so, I’d add it earlier in the story so the reader understands.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’m one of the ones that got away.
|
And the rest of her family. Why does it want her any more than her family? I know that she ends up knowing him as Jason, but as her neighbor wouldn’t Jason know the rest of her family as well?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A few screams of pain could be heard as he sliced through some of them.
|
I’d cut out ‘A few’ and ‘some of them’. When we get to the more frightening/suspenseful parts the sentences are usually served better if shorter.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I rolled my eyes…
|
She seems a little snarky for someone running for life. I know later on she’s described as sarcastic, but I’d expect a pointed remark or something equally snappy rather than her rolling her eyes. At least here.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… where she couldn’t be seen, or smelt.
|
How does Isabelle know the girl can’t be smelt? Also, most animals can smell things even after they’ve been wading through water or mud. If Jason/Creature simply ignored the girl, I’d understand, but not smelling her doesn’t make much sense to me.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
She’s safe and that’s all I care about.
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… blushing as bright as a clown’s nose.
|
This simile seemed rather comedic for a scene that’s taking place where Jason/Creature is chasing them.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… I pushed Des out of the way.
|
I’d change this ‘Des’ to ‘him’ because you just mentioned him by name.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I lied there gasping for air as the wind had been knocked out of me.
|
‘laid’ instead of ‘lied’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… there was no way the beast was completely animal.
|
Why not? Until the next line we aren’t given any reason to believe that. If you describe the creature more to us before hand, show us it isn’t entirely animal, then this whole next segment will make more sense.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Jason and I used to be neighbors and close friends as younger kids. One year, he had just moved away and I hadn’t heard from him since.
|
This comes completely out of nowhere. For this to make the impact you want it to, you need to establish Jason as a character earlier in the story.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I raised an eyebrow and said…
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Still as sarcastic as ever…
|
New paragraph.
I also don’t really understand this sentence. When has she been sarcastic? And if she’s right, how is this sarcasm?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’ve missed your sarcastic demeanor; I really have.
|
I’d change the semi-colon to a period.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… the face that will kill me.
|
‘would’ instead of ‘will’. Just a tense issue.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I almost started crying, but then I finally remembered that I didn’t know what had happened.
|
I don’t understand why this makes her not cry?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“I never got your name.”
|
New paragraph.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… with about fifteen wires and tubes attached to me.
|
I’d take out the exact detail of ‘fifteen’ here, too, if only because that makes it seem like she sat there and counted.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
What happened to the beast, aka Jason?
|
I’d take out or rephrase ‘aka’.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
The only reason that you can read this now is because it was beside my hospital bed the day I died.
|
I don’t really understand this sentence. If we’re reading what she wrote before she died, then how are we reading this part that is obviously written after she’s died?
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’ll be listening, I promise.
|
I really,
really liked this ending line.
---
When you’re posting on the internet, you need to double space between paragraphs. Otherwise it’s just this huge block of text that scares readers off in droves.
I think this was an interesting idea and I really liked that it feels like a prologue to another/longer story.
Also, was Jason a nod to Friday the 13th?
I hope I was helpful. Good luck with it!