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GypsyDancer
I AM THE WARRIOR!
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#1
Old 06-01-2010, 05:24 AM

This was an assignment for school, but I wanted some critique on it. So...

~~~

A dark, stormy night in the historical town of Brunswick sprouted out of nowhere from the cheerful, sunny day it had been earlier. The street lights were dim, it was a new moon, and there were too many clouds to see the stars. It wasn’t so bad. That was until the fog moved in, making a dark figure visible in the headlights of the family car. It had bright yellow eyes and a sneering, green grin. A grotesque looking thing it was. It looked neither man nor animal, but it stood on two legs and had claws at least four feet in length. It was holding an object, but I couldn’t really make it out at a glance. A closer look revealed it holding a body. Of what, I couldn’t be certain as it dashed in front of our vehicle, causing my father to veer off the road and into the huge, mossy oak tree. There weren’t many people on the streets this time of night, so nobody was there to report the crash except one of us.
Many of us forgot about that dreadful night, but I never forgot. I told myself that it was only my imagination and that I’d do myself good to forget. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get the figure out of my mind. After our accident, many people had reported sightings of the strange beast. Of course, there were also the rumors that had started. Today as I sat in class, people were talking about how the beast had taken another victim late last night. It was sad, true, but that person would never remember the face that took him. Light brown eyes flicked around the room, person to person, as I memorized the faces of them all. Will one of them be next? I, Isabelle the heartless, thought, returning my eyes to my notebook. An inaudible sigh escaped my slightly dry lips as I saw that I’d drawn the face again. That’s where the clue was, the face. It was so strange, yet so beautiful at the same time. An unknown factor, but familiar and warm, all at once. “I’m going to solve this if it kills me,” I said, storming out of my class just a second before the bell rang.
It was going to be a new moon again tonight and that was when I was going hunting for my case. It was a perfect opportunity to find out more about it, to find clues, and possibly risk my life to uncover the truth. I’d found a few people, who also wanted to know more about the local scare, to come along with me in the adventure. A curfew of nine o’clock would keep me in until around ten or so, but I had a plan to escape from my second story room and my annoying little sister. It was genius! I had no doubt it would work.
As I opened my window, I thought about leaving a note to tell them where I’d gone incase I never came back. I quickly shook away the thought and threw my duffle bag to two of my adventure mates, who were waiting below. The wind blew as I reached for the oak tree just outside. It took a total of two minutes, at the least, to climb out of the tree and into the dark blue van we were using tonight. There were a total of ten, including me, most of them I recognized from the astronomy club yearbook photos. A few of them were from around campus and I didn’t really know them too well. Our driver for the night was a tall dark haired boy; he looked around the age of 17 or 18 and he had green eyes. I’d never seen him before, but he’d introduced himself as Shiloh Jefferson, a transfer student from Orange County, Florida. I had given him a smile and a nod, but didn’t introduce myself by name; simply the heartless. In the van, I was placed between a red-haired girl with blue eyes and a light trace of freckles across her nose and a blond headed boy with dark, forest green eyes and dimpled cheeks. The boy droned on and on about the differences between one ply toilet tissue and two ply, not noticing that not a single person was interested. Not even the guy who liked to make art out of cotton balls cared about the boy’s rambling. My mind wandered back to the night of the accident; I quickly pulled out a small notepad and a pen to start jotting down notes about what I knew about the beast. “What’re you writing,” said a deep, rough, throaty voice. A boy sitting across from me was looking over at the notepad with wonder. I sighed and said, in my smooth and quiet tone, “Writing down what I know about the beast. I’ve got a personal experience with the dreaded thing.” He cocked his head slightly to the side and asked “You’ve seen it, then?” I nodded once and went back to writing. “Can you tell me about it?” He interrupted. I glanced up at him and said, “I’d rather not. I’m sure you’ll see it tonight, anyway.”
Twenty-five minutes of driving lead us to a final stop in front of the old gas station where we’d leave the van before setting out on foot. We split ourselves up into two teams of five, each with an assigned leader. “Gather your important things and report to your leader,” shouted the boy who’d driven us. I shook my head with a smirk on my face. Our footsteps were quiet as we scrambled about gathering our equipment. A light humming sound could be heard from a neighboring power plant. A crack of lightning illuminated the sky in an assortment of strobe-like colors, followed by a loud and boisterous roar of thunder. “Quicken your paces!” I shouted with a look on my face that couldn’t be named. I felt a large hand touch my shoulder and tensed. My footsteps were slow and careful as I turned around, only to find the boy from earlier.
“Are you trying to scare me to death?” I said in a harsher tone than needed.
“N-no, I’m not. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Des. I’m sorry if I scared you; I didn’t mean it, honest.” He had a slight stutter and lisp.
I smiled and said, “Great. I’m Heartless.”
A look of confusion flashed across his face for a beat. He raised an eyebrow with a curious gleam in his eyes, as if he was thinking.
“Isabelle? That’s you, right?”
I nodded and smiled.
“You don’t seem heartless, but then again we literally just met fifteen minutes ago.”
We got the order, in the form of an owl’s hoot, and split up and spread out. Half of us were to take the north path and the other, the south. After five more minutes of planning in our groups, we set out on our designated paths.
The wood was quiet, maybe even too quiet for the Georgia summertime. There was always some noise, even during the rain. Our footsteps were quiet, but quick as we trudged through the muck. A few complaints were heard about how their mom’s would kill them if they got their new shoes dirty, but all complaints ceased as a growling was heard. The leader of our group came to a sudden halt, causing most of us to crash into him with a collective groan. “Quiet.” He ordered in a strict, but quiet tone. We all huddled together, shivering in fear. Almost all of us I should say, because I wasn’t shaking in fear of the growl. For I knew it was not the beast; the beast didn’t growl, but instead it would snarl and sneer maybe even howl. I shone my torch on a light colored bush and shook my head as I walked toward it with ease. “Isabelle, get away from there!” That’s what I heard as slowly reached for the bush with my long, bone-like fingers. I felt a hand on my shoulder, a familiar one. “Des, go away. It’s not the beast. I know it isn’t.” I said calmly. I jerked away some of the shrubbery and watched as a wild dog sprinted off. Many of the girls screamed, which only made me smirk at how skirmish they were. “He was hiding from something.” Des said quietly in my ear. His breath was warm in the chill of the night air. I shivered slightly and nodded in agreement.
We trudged on with our senses alert and minds open. A girl, much younger than me, gripped onto my sleeve and held on as if I were a life raft in the middle of a raging storm in the sea. I lightly and soothingly rubbed her shoulder whispering, “It’ll be okay sweetie. There’s nothing to worry about.” She seemed to believe me, but I secretly had my worries that she wouldn’t make it if we found the beast. She’d said her twin sister had been murdered the night of my crash and I had made the connection to the beast. He’d pick off the smaller ones of the group, the ones that couldn’t put up much of a struggle. The thought made me hug the girl close to me, wishing that if I was right that I’d be able to protect her no matter what. She buried her face in my shirt and breathed in and out, deep and even. Des had come up on the other side of the small girl and walked with us, keeping us company with his funny stories. For that, I was grateful that the little girl could at least get a few laughs tonight. I smiled at him and mouthed thank you, which he returned with a nod as he continued with his next story. We’d made several stops since the growl, but none of them serious. Most of them were animals that were hiding from something, but a few times it had been a decomposer feasting on a shredded body. I knew it was around, but where? I thought looking for a sign of some sort. That’s when I heard it. It was a deep rumble that erupted into an earsplitting snarl of rage. I instantly reached for the little girl in a protective stance. “No matter what, I want you to stay safe. You got that?” I whispered in her ear in a serious tone. She nodded meekly and stood behind me, gripping my belt loop. Des looked at us concerned. “He’s here.” I leaned towards him and whispered lightly.
He’d told everyone to keep on their toes and be ready to make a run or put up a good fight. I sighed and looked at the girl with sad eyes. My assumption was going to be correct and she probably wouldn’t make it to tell the tale. Most of us probably wouldn’t, but as long as some of us did it’d be okay. A slight trace of a screeching could be heard in the distance and I knew it was a female from the other group having a struggle with the beast. We all said a small prayer for her, hoping she’d make it. We continued on, deciding not to find the beast, but to find its domicile. That was if it had one, but I assumed it did since most victims were missing personal belongings. Most of us had become rather paranoid, tensing up at every little sound. Those people would be the ones that get us all killed, if it ever really came to that, but we all know it most likely would. A smacking sound could be heard along with several grunts. The beast was close and we could all feel it. We all dimmed our lights and stood completely still as a figure moved around.
I could tell it was him simply by the way he stood. If it weren’t for the small girl, I would’ve ran immediately when I saw the horrid face again. The yellow eyes were as deep as ever and his grimy green sneer were as distinguishable as the nose on my face. His head turned this way and that while he sniffed the air, searching for another meal. I cringed as he looked my way. He remembers. I’m one of the ones that got away. I thought, watching as a slight smile formed on his animal-like face. He stalked toward our small gathering of people, with slow and elegant movements. He let out a howl of rage as some of the group tried to run. A few screams of pain could be heard as he sliced through some of them. The beast had chosen his first victim, the driver for tonight, which gave us the chance to run for it. I grabbed Des and the girl’s arms quickly and ran as fast as I could while dragging them behind me.
“Do you even know where you’re going?” Des asked as we came to a fork in the path. I rolled my eyes and said, “Of course I do.” I really didn’t, but I wasn’t one to admit that. A sigh escaped my trembling lips as I pulled them along with me down the path to the right. “He’s coming.” Des said, as a snarl broke through the silence that I hadn’t noticed.
The little girl quietly gasped as I picked her up and placed her where she couldn’t be seen, or smelt. I ran back to where Des was standing, keeping a look out for the beast. He raised an eyebrow, which I answered with a shrug. “She’s safe and that’s all I care about. If I tell you to take her and run, you do it without looking back. Keep her safe and you’d better stay safe too.” He nodded and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I was glad for the darkness because he couldn’t see that I was blushing as bright as a clown’s nose. The beast appeared and stalked forward, towards Des. When the beast leaped for Des, I pushed Des out of the way. I lied there gasping for air as the wind had been knocked out of me. The beast let out a growl of rage and looked down at me. I flinched as he ran his claws from my left temple to my chin. I looked the beast in the eyes and cringed, there was no way the beast was completely animal. The beast bowed back, ready to take another slice at me. He suddenly stopped and sniffed the air. I looked around and saw the girl standing there shaking. “Take her and run Des!” I yelled, kneeing the beast in the stomach. The beast glared at me and sliced into my mid-section. I refused to let out a cry of pain as I watched Des grab the girl and run. I looked into the beast’s eyes and watched them change from yellow to light blue. A set of eyes that was all too familiar.
“J-Jason, is that really you?” I stammered out.
The beast let out a low, rough chuckle and said, “So you do remember me, Isabelle?” I nodded and stared up at him. Jason and I used to be neighbors and close friends as younger kids. One year, he had just moved away and I hadn’t heard from him since. Until now, I hadn’t even known he was still alive. Jason let me stand up; he sighed and said, “It’s too bad, though.” I raised an eyebrow and said, “You’re going to kill me, right?” Jason smirked and said, “Still as sarcastic as ever, but yes I will.” He looked at me and said, in a rough voice, “I do wish we could’ve caught up earlier. I’ve missed your sarcastic demeanor; I really have.” The wind blew slightly, causing my hair to fall into my face. A shiver crept up my spine as I backed away, causing him to creep forward. I reached for a large fallen branch and swung it at his head, taking the chance to run. I’d gotten a couple hundred meters when I felt claws dig into my ankles, causing me to collapse to the ground.
Jason turned me over, so that I looked him directly in the eyes. My expression turned grim as I realized that this would be the last face I ever see, the face that will kill me. His breath was warm on my cold skin as he looked down at me with a furious expression. A sinister grin grew across his face, revealing elongated fangs. I cringed at the sight and closed my eyes. I had passed out after several minutes of the claws and teeth ripping and digging at my flesh. When I woke up, I was in an ambulance with three figures looking down at me. I would have screamed had one of them not kissed my cheek, lightly. Des and the little girl with a medic were all looking down at me. I almost started crying, but then I finally remembered that I didn’t know what had happened.
Des smiled and said, “I’ll explain when you’re more stable. For now, just go back to sleep.” I smiled weakly and nodded. Despite the fact that I felt safe now, I couldn’t relax. Something just didn’t feel right, but to stop them from guessing, I looked at the girl and smiled. “I never got your name.” A sweet smile spread across her face as she said, “I’m Keller. Kell is what my friends call me though.” I nodded and fell asleep again. The next time I woke up, I was in a hospital room with about fifteen wires and tubes attached to me. I hit the call button and asked for a notebook and a pen from a polite nurse who looked around thirty or so. A few minutes later, she returned with my requests and I nodded a thank you. A cramp coursed through my hand as I wrote with a purpose, everything that had happened to me that night. Only one question haunted me: What happened to the beast, aka Jason? That was a question that I never got the answer to. The only reason that you can read this now is because it was beside my hospital bed the day I died.
In some ways, I’m glad I didn’t survive because I can’t be haunted by the face anymore. On the other hand, I’ll never know what happened after I passed out. Is the beast dead or is he still lurking around Brunswick, waiting to make his return? If you find out, just come visit my grave. I’ll be listening, I promise.

Nolori
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#2
Old 06-25-2010, 02:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A dark, stormy night…
I’m not sure if this was meant to be a reference to the old noir openings. I would change it, if only because the rest of the story doesn’t really fit the noir theme.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… sprouted out of nowhere from the cheerful, sunny day it had been earlier.
This is kind of contradictory. You say that it came from nowhere, and then that it came out of the earlier sunny day. I’d cut out one of the two. Either that it was from the sunny day or that it simply came from nowhere.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It wasn’t so bad.
Huh? I didn’t understand why anything would be considered bad in the first place?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A grotesque looking thing it was.
I’d put ‘it was’ at the beginning of the sentence.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It looked neither man nor animal, but it stood on two legs and had claws at least four feet in length.
“It looked neither…” sounds kind of awkward. Maybe ‘It was neither’…?

Having a detail like ‘at least four feet’ in a moment of suspense seems out of place. Maybe something more like ‘claws as long as its arms’ or something like that?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A closer look revealed it holding a body.
Maybe ‘revealed the object to be a body’ or something along those lines?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Of what, I couldn’t be certain as it dashed in front of our vehicle…
I don’t really understand this. If she can’t tell what it’s the body of, how can she tell it’s a body at all?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… so nobody was there to report the crash except one of us.
I think ‘one of’ is a little superfluous here.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Many of us forgot about that dreadful night, but I never forgot.
I have a little trouble believing that she’s the only one that remembers this. I don’t know anyone that had a crash who forgot about it.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Of course, there were also the rumors that had started.
Since nothing else has happened in response to it yet, I don’t think you can use ‘also’. Maybe ‘Of course, that was when the rumors started.’?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Today as I sat in class…
I’d drop this into a new paragraph and put a comma after ‘Today’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but that person would never remember the face that took him.
I… don’t understand this sentence. How is this ‘but’? The fact that he wouldn’t remember makes it better?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Light brown eyes flicked around the room…
I’d put ‘My’ before ‘Light brown eyes’. Also, Isabelle talks like a normal person when she’s talking to others, how come she talks like a narrator when she’s talking to the reader?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I, Isabelle the heartless, thought…
I never saw anything in the story that showed she was ‘heartless’. Here’s another instance where I wonder why she talks like this. I don’t know anyone who says something like, “I, Nolori, thought”. It makes her seem a little pretentious, which really doesn’t seem fair to her. She seems like a nice person who really cares about people.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… slightly dry lips as I saw that I’d drawn the face again.
I’d cut out ‘slightly’, mostly because I don’t see its significance.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
That’s where the clue was, the face.
I’d change the comma to a colon.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… I was going hunting for my case.
Case? To me, that makes it sound like this is her profession rather than any personal quest. I’d change the word.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… and possibly risk my life to uncover the truth.
This is listed among the good things, does that mean she sees this as a good thing, too?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It took a total of two minutes…
This is another detail I don’t see the importance of. Why two minutes as opposed to a few? There’s really nothing wrong with putting in details, but I think they belong in a place where the reader will take something from it and remember it throughout the story.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Our driver for the night was a tall dark haired boy…
There should be a comma after ‘tall’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… he looked around the age of 17 or 18…
Since its over ten, you don’t need to write out ‘seventeen’ and ‘eighteen’, but I think it would look better if you did.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but didn’t introduce myself by name; simply the heartless.
I’m a little disbelieving that no one is weirded out by this. In all other aspects she seems like a normal high school/college(?) kid, but she introduces herself as ‘heartless’. I don’t understand why.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… not noticing that not a single person was interested.
I’d change the sentence around so you don’t have two ‘not’s in it. Maybe: “… not noticing that no one was interested”?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“What’re you writing,” said a deep, rough, throaty voice.
Since a new person is speaking, I’d drop this down into a new paragraph.

And maybe ‘asked’ instead of ‘said’?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I sighed and said…
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“You’ve seen it, then?”
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“I’d rather not. I’m sure you’ll see it tonight, anyway.”
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Twenty-five minutes of driving lead us to a final stop in front of the old gas station where we’d leave the van before setting out on foot.
Not vital to the story/editing, but I was curious as to how they know where they’re going? I know they get to the forest and split up, but how do they know to go to the forest in the first place?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I shook my head with a smirk on my face.
Did she shake it yes or no?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“Quicken your paces!”
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… we set out on our designated paths.
You take time to tell us that they’re splitting up north or south, so why not tell us which way she goes.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… the Georgia summertime.
‘Georgian’. Just a little tense issue.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… we trudged through the muck.
Since you talk about them being quiet, I’d change the word ‘trudged’ to something else.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but all complaints ceased as a growling was heard.
I’d change ‘as’ to ‘when’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but instead it would snarl and sneer maybe even howl.
How does she know that? All the reader knows is that she saw the thing once, very briefly. So how does she know so much about it?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… at how skirmish they were.
I think you meant ‘skittish’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“He was hiding from something.”
New paragraph.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… as if I were a life raft in the middle of a raging storm in the sea.
I’d change ‘in the’ to ‘at’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
It’ll be okay sweetie.
I’d put a comma after ‘okay’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but a few times it had been a decomposer feasting on a shredded body.
I’d use ‘scavenger’ or ‘animal’ instead of decomposer. From my understanding, a decomposer is mostly bacteria. It may or may not include insects like ants, but I’m fairly certain it doesn’t include animals. Animals are scavengers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I knew it was around, but where? I thought looking for a sign of some sort.
I feel like this is a little awkward. By adding ‘I thought’, it sounds like that’s exactly what she was thinking at that moment. Yet the thought itself is in the past-tense like everything else. Maybe: “I know it’s here, but where? I thought, looking for a sign of some sort.”

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but as long as some of us did it’d be okay.
I’d add a comma after ‘did’.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A slight trace of a screeching…
I have a hard time picturing a “slight trace of a screeching”. Maybe “There was screeching…” or something like that?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Most of us had become rather paranoid, tensing up at every little sound.
I’m a little confused as to why no one has tried to run or get out of the woods.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… but we all know it most likely would.
‘know’ should be ‘knew’. Just a little tense issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
The yellow eyes were as deep as ever and his grimy green sneer were as distinguishable as the nose on my face.
As deep? Deep as in ‘intelligent’?

I’d add a comma after ‘grimy’ and ‘were’ should be ‘was’.

As far as the nose thing, since everyone has one I don’t really understand why you use this as a simile. Unless she has a particularly distinct looking nose? If so, I’d add it earlier in the story so the reader understands.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’m one of the ones that got away.
And the rest of her family. Why does it want her any more than her family? I know that she ends up knowing him as Jason, but as her neighbor wouldn’t Jason know the rest of her family as well?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
A few screams of pain could be heard as he sliced through some of them.
I’d cut out ‘A few’ and ‘some of them’. When we get to the more frightening/suspenseful parts the sentences are usually served better if shorter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I rolled my eyes…
She seems a little snarky for someone running for life. I know later on she’s described as sarcastic, but I’d expect a pointed remark or something equally snappy rather than her rolling her eyes. At least here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… where she couldn’t be seen, or smelt.
How does Isabelle know the girl can’t be smelt? Also, most animals can smell things even after they’ve been wading through water or mud. If Jason/Creature simply ignored the girl, I’d understand, but not smelling her doesn’t make much sense to me.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
She’s safe and that’s all I care about.
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… blushing as bright as a clown’s nose.
This simile seemed rather comedic for a scene that’s taking place where Jason/Creature is chasing them.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… I pushed Des out of the way.
I’d change this ‘Des’ to ‘him’ because you just mentioned him by name.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I lied there gasping for air as the wind had been knocked out of me.
‘laid’ instead of ‘lied’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… there was no way the beast was completely animal.
Why not? Until the next line we aren’t given any reason to believe that. If you describe the creature more to us before hand, show us it isn’t entirely animal, then this whole next segment will make more sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Jason and I used to be neighbors and close friends as younger kids. One year, he had just moved away and I hadn’t heard from him since.
This comes completely out of nowhere. For this to make the impact you want it to, you need to establish Jason as a character earlier in the story.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I raised an eyebrow and said…
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
Still as sarcastic as ever…
New paragraph.

I also don’t really understand this sentence. When has she been sarcastic? And if she’s right, how is this sarcasm?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’ve missed your sarcastic demeanor; I really have.
I’d change the semi-colon to a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… the face that will kill me.
‘would’ instead of ‘will’. Just a tense issue.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I almost started crying, but then I finally remembered that I didn’t know what had happened.
I don’t understand why this makes her not cry?

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
“I never got your name.”
New paragraph.

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Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
… with about fifteen wires and tubes attached to me.
I’d take out the exact detail of ‘fifteen’ here, too, if only because that makes it seem like she sat there and counted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
What happened to the beast, aka Jason?
I’d take out or rephrase ‘aka’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
The only reason that you can read this now is because it was beside my hospital bed the day I died.
I don’t really understand this sentence. If we’re reading what she wrote before she died, then how are we reading this part that is obviously written after she’s died?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyDancer
I’ll be listening, I promise.
I really, really liked this ending line.

---

When you’re posting on the internet, you need to double space between paragraphs. Otherwise it’s just this huge block of text that scares readers off in droves.

I think this was an interesting idea and I really liked that it feels like a prologue to another/longer story.

Also, was Jason a nod to Friday the 13th?

I hope I was helpful. Good luck with it!

kimkimk
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#3
Old 06-25-2010, 06:19 PM

For a dark stormy night, it doesn't sound right, it would sound better if you put it was a dark and stormy night. after you mention the town you should put a period, or alteast a comma. it makes the sentence shorter and gives variety to your sentance structure. the way you described the guy was awesome, you could really picture what he looked like. you should really describe the crash more, what happened to the car? were the people ok, you know, answer questions like that. you should explain what the nickname isabella the heartless mean and how she came to be with that name. you have great details describing how things look but you don't describe the 5 W's which is key to any great author, who what when where why. when you say you threw your bag to your two adventure mates you should write about her meeting up with them and maybe put something about them, like who they are, how they act. then you should probably have a small conversation because your writing is great but people talking is key to get your readers to understand what's going on because it kind of confuses me how it went from her wanting to find out who he was to her having two adventure mates. another good thing to have in a story is what the main character is thinking, it gives insight on who the character is and makes the reader feel closer to the story making them want to read it more. it says you shook your head with a smirk but why did you? you should really explain why things happen for a reason, i can't stress that enough. it's great that you explain the details of how things look but you really need to explain why people do the things they do.

Over all your story is good, it has a good plot line and interesting character, i'd give it a 4/6. a four because even though it was a good story you didn't explain everything and it was kind of confusing to read making the story very unappealing to read.

 



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