Thread Tools

iLickmimes
is a boy.
6458.27
iLickmimes is offline
 
#1
Old 08-14-2010, 11:28 PM

This is a random story I wrote a while ago... The idea came to me in the shower, and I just had to write about it.

Any kind of constructive critisizm would be greatly appreciated.
And I'm wondering if I should continue the story, or just leave it at this.


It can be found here.

fairywaif
Flitting free Girl
8022.58
fairywaif is offline
 
#2
Old 08-24-2010, 07:27 PM

Though most human's completely ignored their existence, she was not deterred.

Should be humans right there.

"After the two-hundred day incubation period, we, what we call, stimulate them."


I would change that to "After the two-hundred day incubation period we stimulate them." If you want to keep the what we call then you might want to change it to "Do what we call stimulation."

I know this sounds weird, but I get more of a feeling of an elected official than a scientist from her tour guide. I'm not sure why though.

That is a really cool story idea. I would really love to read more, if you wanted to write it. Your style is very easy to read, and I think the pacing is excellent.

iLickmimes
is a boy.
6458.27
iLickmimes is offline
 
#3
Old 09-05-2010, 12:02 AM

Thank you so much... Most people say my style is weird. -.-

Thanks for the critique too, I love it when people help me. :3

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts