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Quaking_Stampede
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Old 11-29-2010, 06:54 AM

Any input I can get for this would be wonderful, have some ideas where it's going but haven't written that far yet. Thanks for reading and enjoy!


The cord to the phone came flying out of the wall as one pissed off female stormed through her house, the ringing cutting off quickly with the lost connection. The same person had been calling her for the past day, making her wonder if the man had anything to do with his life if he could spend so much time calling one number. Then again, he had always seemed open when she called even though he was supposed to be some type of professor. Just another reason not to answer that annoying phone and one thing that made her grateful her cell number wasn’t given to anybody else other than the certain culmination of people that she had to contact regularly.

“He’s still pining for you after being such a jerk, huh. Well, we can always change the phone number or I could answer next.” The voice was very formal, a hint of a british accent that had dropped to some big guy’s deep voice at the send of the talking but this wasn’t coming from a man.

The creature sat there, tail wagging, sleek fur unruffled and short, adorable floppy ears, bizarre eyes and a large collar covering up it’s neck.

“Alog, you plug that phone back in and I’ll cut your head off again and give Frostein more work for the month.” The voice dripped warning venom, something most people flinched at when she spoke but those large eyes blinked uncaringly at her, letting her know that no matter what she threatened it would change nothing.

A knock sounded from the front of the house, a set pattern that was a perpetual joke that Cam always used when she came over for the day, having come in more than once on Zera getting busy with someone. Then the door opened and she spotted the two, both now staring at her, one uncaring, the other sparking fury still.

“Take it she got another clingy one and he won’t leave her the fuck alone?” Cam walked in the rest of the way, kicking the door shut with her foot, bag on one shoulder as she strode in, her purely fabric shoes making no noise on the metal floors. “You know, it’s your own fault that you always get them, you’re the one who hunts them out first.” She set the bag on the table, unzipping it and pulling out a light metallic arrow that had been broken by something. “Hey, can you give me a hand with the arrow? It got broken on the practice field earlier.”

“Why should I help my servant, especially one as rebellious as you. I thought your parents taught you better seeing how they grew you up in this twisted place.” The words held no sting as the arrow seemed to call her, begging her for the reforming of it’s tiny body, wanting to work like all the other one’s that lay collapsed in the bag. Unable to resist she came forward, lightly picking up the item, a slight hum resonating from herself into it. “Alright, fine, but be gentler with them, Cam.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know Zera. You’ve told me that a million times already and my parents raised me to put up with your annoyingly slow aging ass, my bad for being well trained.” She had no venom in her words, just a slight quirk on the side of her mouth until she strode over to Alog, squatting down and petting him. “You been a good boy for queeny there?”

“I resent that. I may share the anatomy of a dog but that doesn’t mean you need to demean me in that manner. Plus, my master is just annoyed after the male, Bryan, has called about twenty hours straight the day before her departure for the monthly meeting.” Those eyes followed Zera still, all for paying attention to anything she spoke, only sparing a few glances for Cam as she petted him in pleasant ways, making the tail wag slightly against his will.

“Whatever.” She continued petting him until she heard the whole house echo with music, a beautiful humming noise that felt comforting as she knew Zera was quickly fixing the arrow, the whole house speaking with her. The song seemed to end to soon as she stood, eyes closed as she listened to the music of the metal, her whole body relaxed as even Alog laid down, something the thing seemed to rarely do.

The metal seemed to twist under invisible hands reforming the bent shaft, straightening it between the two ends, then the mechanism inside twisted allowed the metal to layer into itself when needed to be put away. Zera’s eyes glittered, the zinc color to them becoming very prominent, her voice smooth as the metallic surfaces in her house, inviting the shifting of the minerals that formed the metal.

“There.” The humming stopped with that simple word as the arrow looked as if nothing had ever happened to it, looked fresh from the labs that Frostein and a few other members ran in there own areas. Zera laid the metal against her head, letting it’s noise resonate in her and relax her tension and stress.

As she gently pulled the arrow back, she seemed to cradle it to her chest like a child and walked back into the other room where the two were so relaxed they looked ready for sleep. Of course, Alog instantly came back to attention, always the attentive creation that he was, noting everything with those almost eery eyes. Cam on the other hand took longer to come back to herself, making Zera tap her foot with the slightest impatience.

“It’s perfect!” Cam snagged the arrow, triggering the mechanism to retract the whole arrow, then flicking it out and watching it slide out perfectly, ready to be knocked and used once more. “Thanks! Now I can go back to the practice field... Or since you’re going on your monthly trip then I can use the field out back.” She gave a smile to Zera who just waved her acknowledgement and got a squeal of joy in return before the girl snagged her bag and disappeared out the back into the metal garden.

“The girl is so young and enthusiastic... Makes me wonder sometimes what she thinks to stay as happy as she does.” Zera sighed, then trudged up the stairs, Alog following right on her heels.

“There is absolutely no knowing but you need to depart within the hour, master, otherwise you will miss your flight and have to exhaust all your energy on those metal objects for travel and get there late, sweaty and tired.” Yeah, that was enough motivation to get her dressed up in her usual attire.

Her outfit she always slid into consisted of a black and silver corset, normally with some chains but planes didn’t enjoys those, so she went without this time, just wearing a plain plastic boned one. Then he put on some dark jeans over her black and grey thigh highs and her typical black leather shoes, ones that came up just over the ankle for her comfort. Her closet held little color other than that of a gray scale, matching most of her tastes because they made her think of the metal she relished living in everyday.

“Ten more minutes before you must leave, try not to heat stroke in those clothes in this heat.” Alog then turned and left the room, the voice shifting accent to one of an animal, trotting outside to make a roar behind Cam, the poor girl jumping, her shot going haywire as she turned on the thing, ranting to it before giving in and petting it.

Zera just stood and watched for the moment, enjoying the sight before her cell beeped, the warning bell from the head of the group, letting them all know they were expected to begin leaving from wherever they were. The phone was a specialized model that the whole group had, something to stay in contact while they all lived in separate areas of the world, like Zera who lived in Florida.

“Time to touch base at home.” With that Zera left, a small smile on her face, even as she plugged it in to find it still ringing.

---

“Looks like I’ll be going out of country for a while for this mission... But why did I get stuck with those two idiots and only one sensible person? Why?!” Zera stormed through her house, travel bag still in hand, swinging around and threatening anything in it’s path with one hell of a nasty bruise if it got in the way.

“Well then, I shall accompany you as well I guess, or am I still stuck with Cam and her wonderful arrows?” The pelt of Alog’s coat was no longer as smooth looking, meaning Cam hadn’t realized Alog was out amongst the statues and had become the prime target, expecially since he tended to slink about.

The idea of leaving Alog was already determined because she had Harlon who tended to fit his language to the place they were. All the dud had to do was be around some of the accents, rip out his vocal cords and give them a minute to regenerate and he would be their expert in that language.

“No need to come, we got Harlon. I’m the only chick stuck with them again. Is it fun to put me with Delcom and Acrom so much? Those two bastards are just such a pain in the ass sometimes and that means that this mission will be more difficult than needed. Stupid goofs.” Zera didn’t know why she was ranting but the urge was just irresistable with how often those two ganged up on her to scare her out of no where, just like they did yesterday, using that disgusting ability of Acrom’s.

All she got in response was a sigh from Alog as the dog trotted off at that, knowing that if he stayed to listen he would most likely have to hear the house creak under the frustration she radiated. Yet, she couldn’t care less, she knew the creature would be within easy ear shot for her, all she ever had to do was call and it answered quickly, slipping into wherever she was.

Taking a calming breath, Zera headed back up for her room, glad that she could at least relax on her bed for a few moments before her phone would let her know the meet up point for the team, after all, they had to leave all together. Got too out of hand when you went one at a time, especially with the two jokesters, figured they would kill themselves by now with how they went about everything... Yeah, this was going to be a long trip with them and she just prayed she didn't rip their heads off in absolute fury by the end of the trip... No matter how tempting that sounded.

Last edited by Quaking_Stampede; 11-30-2010 at 06:03 AM..

MiriuOniaya
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#2
Old 11-29-2010, 07:05 AM

I haven't read your story but I have to tell you that at the moment, I won't. A big wall-of-text can be difficult to sift through; you have to consider your readers. If I were to start reading and for some reason looked away (switching to a different window, talking to a person in my house, going to the bathroom, etc) it could possibly be tricky to find where I left off.

I read A LOT of original and fan fiction, and if I click on a link / go to a page / view a story and it's mashed altogether with no real breaks in the text- no paragraphs, no separation between paragraphs, etc- I WILL NOT read the story. I click myself away from the page and find something else to read that won't annoy my eye sight.

It's harder to go from one line down to the next, when there are endless lines on top of lines. A reader could accidentally skip a line, or end up re-reading the same line more than once. I know that this doesn't bother everyone, but it is something that I do not like, and something I suggest writers don't do.

Plus, imagine in you're reading a paperback book, or some other type of published print; there are usually breaks in the text. So this is just a friendly note with my opinion! I read the first paragraph though and it's well written! ;)

Quaking_Stampede
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#3
Old 11-30-2010, 06:04 AM

I hope that makes it a bit easier by putting spaces between the paragraphs, if not... I'll figure someway to amke it so but thank you for the input on that. I appreciate any type of help, even if it's just posting help.

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#4
Old 12-05-2010, 08:11 PM

This really belongs in the main forum, so I'm going to move it on over there. :yes:

 



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