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Baileyy
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#1
Old 01-14-2011, 05:06 AM

This is my first short story. This is not the first paragraph, maybe the middle part. Plus characters So critic is welcome, and so is opinions.(:
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Jayson Trevor packed up his rucksack and threw it over his shoulder. He pushed his chair in and walked over to the door, "Hey Abbs, wait up! The crowd is swallowing me, haha!" he yelled at his best friend, Abigale Lawsson. Abigale was talking to a group of friends near the opening. She turned around and soon found her friend, person after person. "Jay don't call me that, please! It's getting old after oh what, fifteen years?" she pleaded. Abigale put her arm around him. "So what do you think of the idea of buying a poor old maiden some lunch?" she chuckled.
"Uhh, how about no." he stated.
"Then what about my math homework, please..?" she said in a soft voice.
"Choose one, I'm not going to live your life for you." he looked at her with a smirk.
"Homework. But sheesh, it's not my fault my dad doesn't give me money!" she argued.
"Get, a, job!" he said with emphasis on the spaces. They both burst out laughing. Abigale the Prom Queen, Head Cheerleader, Straight-A Student would never get a job! No stereotypes would stop her. "Fine. Fine, get me a job at.. Eh, wherever you work." she muttered.
"You would distract me, Abby. You know you would." he sighed.
"By my beauty? I don't think so, mister Jayson." she laughed.
"Uhh.. Ye-- ah-- I mean, no. Fine, I'll get you a job." he looked away as the walked near the lunchroom.
"Yes! W- wait. Did I hear a yes?" she leaned next to him. "Just admit you like me. It'll all be over then!"
"Pffft, keep dreaming." he laughed.
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That's it. :B I know it doesn't really make sense but, hey. I tried. ;D

fairywaif
Flitting free Girl
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#2
Old 01-14-2011, 09:15 PM

Okay, the first thing you should do it break the dialogue off and make it separate so it's easier to read in the first paragraph. Every time a new character speaks a new paragraph should start.

What did you mean by the phrase 'person after person'? Consider rewording that.
'Poor old maiden' sounds like it's from another time period. Unless you want your character to sound like they use terms from the middle ages, I'd change the wording to something like Poor girl, or even Your poor friend.

Why is she asking him to do her homework? That has nothing to do with money and seems out of place.

'Get, a, job' should have periods instead of commas for extra emphasis. Also, you don't need to state it has spaces. That's what punctuation is for!

Why would stereotypes matter in her getting a job?

You said she wouldn't get a job, but then she still wants one? Which is it?

I hope this is helpful. It seems like an interesting Slice-of-life story.

 


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