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Daren_Snow
Domani è un altro giorno. Ma io ...
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#1
Old 04-18-2011, 04:49 AM

This is my most recently-created story, The Fifth Level (title still pending). Posted below is the prologue. Hopefully someone will come along and let me know what they think.

The colors red and black were his signature. Red and black shirt, black and red pants, a fitted black and red jacket, black and white sneakers with red stitching… Thin white chains adorned his pants, hung from the belt loops, and ran down the front of his shirt. His large, piercing blue eyes were hidden beneath a short mop of black hair. Though he spent most of his time outside, his skin was rather pale. His demeanor was uncertain, with bad posture and a placid expression that hid most of his emotion. Residing within South District, Lou could take care of himself. The young demon appeared fragile and easily manipulated, but many an overconfident thug had fallen at his hand.

Lou’s last name had been lost over the years, but he left a small legacy within the island‘s underground tunnel system. On the eve of Halloween, about a month into the rainy season, in 1984, the young man had retired to his hideaway in the basement of a South District apartment building, once inhabited by paper mill workers. Like all basements on the island, the walls had been built very powerfully and water-resistant from the months of rainfall. Lou hated Halloween, and would always find a very dark place to curl up in as the gangs wreaked havoc on the south side of the island. Wearing masks of pigskin or animal fur, they paraded in red or black cloaks and attacked any stragglers without mercy, laughing their way down the street after leaving their victims battered in the alleys.

Lou could handle a few liquor-rattled street-rats, but in groups of ten or more they were nearly unstoppable without appropriate weapons. The only thing Lou ever carried was a well-used hunting knife, which would do little to fend off so many people. The basement he chose as refuge, though waterproof, was not soundproof, and he could hear the hounds prowling the streets above. Werewolves in their human form howled, vampires called and screeched high and madly. Some corrupted angels even walked among them, sporting their light magic in dark ways. Demons were abundant as well, but kept to their own race; running and leaping and screaming through the alleys, they searched for blood more desperately than a ravenous vampire. Above the basement, in the atrium of the five-floor apartment building, thuds exploded.

Lou listened with eyes softly closed, curled like a dog in the farthest corner of a small storage room, lying underneath a musty blanket. A scream cut the air, silenced quickly into a sputtering cough. Voices, low and growling, hummed through the walls; demon voices that were thick with a wild frenzy. They walked heavily, as though weighted down with heavy boots, and then became silent. Lou’s tensed muscles began to relax, until something exploded so powerfully it shook dusty paint off the ceiling. He pulled the blanket over his head, peering at the door not six feet away. Voices erupted in anger, shouting back and forth. But as soon as it started, silence fell again.

The only sound after a while came from the thunder. It rolled and shook the ground, pouring rain out of the skies and letting it slap against the roof. In the deep evening, amid the carousing mobs and rain, Lou shut his mind away from the world.

When morning shed its gray light upon the streets, rain still fell. Through the patter, Lou heard nothing else. The mobs had dispersed, gone to hide from the harsh light while their alcohol-induced headaches wear off. Lou stepped out of the basement and into the atrium with his black backpack, smelling death and dust and blood mixed with one another. He moved an overturned bookshelf aside, kicking molded books. Several bloody handprints smeared the walls from the dark puddle that had spread from a lifeless figure in the middle of the damp carpet. She was an older woman; what clothing remained on her body told Lou a story: She had wandered into South District on the worst of days, possibly lost, and was attacked by at least three demons.

The demons had done quite a number on her; handfuls of hair had been ripped from her head. Her nose was twisted and bloody, as though from several hard blows. Scratches grazed her torso, but what killed her was a deep cut along her throat. In the heavy humidity, she had already begun to stink of decay. He stepped over her body, past the blood, and out the door. The morning was hot, but the rain cooled him. The gas station nearby was his first stop of the day.

Roka
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#2
Old 04-22-2011, 08:26 PM

I love it. I absolutely love it. It's one of those stories where, if it were a book, a person wouldn't want to put it down to see what comes next. I think you should continue on with it.

Are you a roleplayer on Mene? If so, I'd love to do a roleplay with you, or something.

Daren_Snow
Domani è un altro giorno. Ma io ...
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#3
Old 04-23-2011, 02:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roka View Post
I love it. I absolutely love it. It's one of those stories where, if it were a book, a person wouldn't want to put it down to see what comes next. I think you should continue on with it.

Are you a roleplayer on Mene? If so, I'd love to do a roleplay with you, or something.
Thank you, very much. It's usually the reaction I try to go for in the beginning, but there have been many more fails than successes.

The only person I really roleplay as is my own character that makes up the basis of a series I started about a year ago, unfortunately. I'm not the best at keeping to the already-set personality of those from movies or shows or the like.

I find writing with someone else opens many a door for inspiration for both participants. I would gladly join you in a bit of writing, if you have the time to spend on a stranger. Let me know, yes? Perhaps through a message; I'm usually online early and late. I hope to hear from you.

fishyfey
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#4
Old 04-28-2011, 12:43 AM

I enjoyed your prologue very much. Would love to see where this leads.

Daren_Snow
Domani è un altro giorno. Ma io ...
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#5
Old 04-28-2011, 02:10 AM

Ah, thank you. I've got more down, just not posted. I think I will just put it up in my blog, or wait until I have more than fifteen pages written.

 


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